According To Kate

Thoughts on a Shake Table

2011-10-20T00:05:00.000-07:00

As most of you know (or at least SHOULD know by now), I have a penchant for most things Science-related. I find Science very beautiful in its direct, measured elegance, but also for its occasionally unspoken attachment to faith.

I recently took a weekend sabbatical to Lake Tahoe just to get away. The weather was inexplicably tailored to my preferences (one day a full sun, one day of 75% sun with breeze, and one day of light, constant rain). Part of my intentions of going to Tahoe was to photograph the Fall colors, but I was about 7-14 days too early.

However, I have two friends in the area - Mike, a professional photographer, and Ben, a student at University of Nevada, Reno studying physics (also a photographer). It's true - if I don't have dancers for friends they're likely either scientists or photographers. I spent my last few hours the area with Ben touring the UNR campus and there was something of particular interest that caught my attention (aside from the view from the roof of the physics building or the new library that made my heart quite elated) - the construction of the new shake table.

As I gazed out over the massive construction site from our perch in their general Science and Mathematics bldg, Ben educated me about the university's shake table, which is a device used to stress various materials to see if they're able to withstand oscillatory vibrations similar to an earthquake, often to the point of structural failure. The engineers can then do a full analysis of the material, see where the points of failure are, and then make their recommendations on how to correct for these points of weakness within the system.

UNR has apparently done enough analysis in the past for various bridges that have collapsed during earthquakes to warrant building a larger shake table to accomodate increased workload and sample analysis. I was (almost) in love. There is little that gives me more excitement, pleasure and sense of fulfillment than putting principles into proper practice to solve a problem for the benefit of more than just a handful of people, and watching the construction of the future stirred my blood.

It was my memory of this moment and my time with Ben that came to me again as I sat in my Book of Mormon study group this evening. We were discussing Chapters 4-7 (links provided) in the Book of Jacob, more particularly about Jacob's run in with Sharem, an Anti-Christ, and his singular assertion regarding unshakeable faith. As the discussion evolved within the group regarding what nuances and differences between shakeable and unshakeable faith existed, my thoughts quietly twirled around the purpose of the shake table.

Faith, as I've come to understand it from my studies of the Bible, Book of Mormon, Pearl of Great Price, Doctrine and Covenants, Lectures on Faith and other assorted works, canonized and non, is not unlike a bridge to our Heavenly Father. In my personal opinion, Faith is the ultimate catalyst - that necessary agent or medium to move something from Point A to Point B. Its at the foundation of everything, including our access to the great and wonderful Atonement of Christ. We are taught that faith without works is dead and that an increase in faith is often preceded by a trial of our faith - a law of increasing returns, of sorts.

A trial of our faith.... like the counsel given to the Prophet Joseph Smith in Liberty Jail, or Helaman to his sons in Hel 5:12 or the parable of the wise and foolish men who built their houses on firm or sandy foundations, when the winds rise, the hail pelts and shafts in the whirlwinds come upon us, we are promised protection and deliverance if we have established our faith on firm foundations.

It's hard not to think about what those proverbial "storms" and "shafts" are (or will be) in our lives - they're different for everyone but the result is still the same.... a seismic disturbance applied liberally to our core material to reveal not only where our breaking points are, but also how well we've constructed that core material...namely Faith.

Like the engineering shake table, Heavenly Father allows for challenges to come. Sometimes they're benign and other times they're violent. Regardless, their purpose is the same: to allow us to prove ourselves obedient, worthy servants; to grow and to learn from our mistakes; to increase our faith and learn how to exercise spiritual understanding. In other words, to see where our imperfections are so that we can return to the Spiritual Drafting Board and get to work on the necessary improvements to better weather the Learning Modules he needs us to complete to gain those individual experiences that are necessary for us to learn.

Mmmmmmm..... Science really is beautiful... even if it is quietly brilliant about its connection to faith.

A Borrowed Musing on Forgiveness

2011-10-11T23:20:00.000-07:00

"The Gift of Forgiveness"
Life is a study in forgiveness. No one gets through life without needing to forgive. And no one escapes the need to be forgiven. Perhaps the central test of character, forgiveness brings out the best in us. It leads us beyond our own pain and suffering and helps us feel God’s love. Ironically, we help ourselves in the most profound way when we give the gift of forgiveness to others.

Charlotte Brontë’s literary classic Jane Eyre addresses the theme of forgiveness so well. Young Jane, orphaned and sent to live with a spiteful aunt, endures years of neglect and cruelty as a child. When Jane is old enough, her aunt sends her away to a substandard boarding school, where she is again mistreated. But Jane learns a vital lesson from Helen, a dear friend there. Helen explains to Jane one of life’s great secrets: "Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity, or registering wrongs."¹ Helen teaches Jane to forgive: to forget wrongs, to love enemies, to "bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you . . . [and] despitefully use you."²

Jane’s life is different ever after. It doesn’t necessarily become easier—Jane still has to endure injustices, hardships, and betrayals—but she is better prepared for all these things because she has learned not to hold on to grudges and ill feelings. She frees her soul from anger, bitterness, and revenge. In fact, Jane even returns to her malicious aunt and attends to her during her dying days. Ultimately, Jane finds true joy—and even true love—because she learned to forgive.

And so can we. It may be the hardest work we ever do, but it is also the most rewarding. Resolve now to let an old grudge go. Decide in advance to forgive any future offense that may come. Determine never to let a mistake get in the way of a meaningful relationship. As the 18th-century British poet Alexander Pope wrote, "To err is human, to forgive, divine."³
1. Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre (2006), 60.
2. Matthew 5:44.
3. Essay on Criticism (1711), line 525.

borrowed from the text for the Music and The Spoken Word from 10/9/11

Types, Shadows, and Parallels

2011-08-25T00:33:00.001-07:00

A spiritual pinnacle of my Wednesday came during Institute. We're studying the first half of the Book of Mormon this semester and what I love about our instructor's approach is that he's more conceptual in addition to teaching by the Spirit, which I think drives concepts home even more. Today's discussion took us to Nephi's "thesis statement", found in 1st Nephi 1:20, where he says

"But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender ^cmercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of ^ddeliverance."

We looked through 1 Nephi 1-17 at various instances from Nephi's life where he benefited from the Lord's tender mercies, what those mercies were, and how it resulted in his or other people's deliverance. While discussing one of Nephi's trials, our instructor, Dan, brought up the ancient Hebrew prose form of historical parallelism, where past events that are held in reverence are used to illustrate a point, such as the Lord's consistency in delivering His people, in this case, as Nephi often cited Moses' experience with the deliverance of Israel from Egypt and various experiences they had during their 40 yr sojourn in the desert.
As we delved further and further into the scriptures, and other's continued to comment on various things, Dan asked a question at the end that caused a lights on experience for me that got my heart pounding. "Why tender mercies?" he asked... and I couldn't help but think of parallelism in the ancient records we often see, especially those instances where we read how various people and laws are in similitude of Christ's Atonement for us. What greater tender mercy could we have than that, which ultimately leads to our deliverance from justice's miserable grasp and elevates us to a most joyous circumstance? It seems like every time the Lord sees fit to proffer a tender mercy on our behalf, for whatever reason, it should prompt us to remember the Atonement's place in our life and in turn humble us further.
This lights on experience was a signal to me that my heart was in a right enough place for the Spirit to be my companion tonight, feeding me insight, teaching me wisdom...a place I hadn't been in too long of a time. Much too long, and I felt my old friend return to me tonight. Much love.

Beastly

2011-08-15T10:43:00.005-07:00

I recently watched the film "Beastly" and was sorely disappointed. They took a perfectly deep and delicately beautiful tale of what it means to truly love and made it awkward. Not that budding love isn't adorably awkward in itself, but this is like 5th grade production of Shakespeare awkward. Little boy going through puberty awkward.
   Nothing puts out a romantic fire quicker than course, haphazard screenwriting and mediocre editing that makes the character development questionable. I guess what disappoints me most is that a more modern version could have been powerful. Gaah...
   What is the film industry coming to? It use to be what people looked forward to as a temporary escape with the assured knowledge that they would be entertained in a fairly civilized manner befitting their intellectual ability and then we get crap like this ("Beastly") being PRODUCED!

     ....MAY-be I'm overreacting. Then again, maybe I'm not. With the declining moral and intellectual initiative of today's youth in general as they're coming out into the world, they need all the examples they can get of what a complete sentence that uses words a little deeper into the dictionary sounds like and how it's used properly. So they have to go look a word or two up in the dictionary to figure out what guy is saying to girl to get her to see he's not so bad after all - that's fine, they won't die. In fact, that may be the entry way into the next level of thought for them.
       Don't get me wrong, I am in no way suggesting that today's youth are applicably inept. There are many out there who still give me hope for the future because they've taken it upon themselves to be responsible, accountable and ambitious without their parents pushing.
       However... when the gross majority use ambiguous abbreviations in typed correspondence, can't carry-on a conversation, let alone have an imagination or understand what the underlying themes of "Brave New World" or "East of Eden" are, this is when I have cause to be alarmed about the intellectual capabilities that the film industry is supporting with dime-store pulp fiction with bad dialogue and flawed storyline.

   Am I elitist? Probably. I have a right to be in this case. If it makes you feel any better, I still pick up Newberry Award Winner books because they're still a good story that present a constructive theme to ponder without yielding to explicit sex scenes only there to satisfy a housewife's fantasy. Maybe that didn't make you feel better... What can I say? The state of modern popular entertainment is just beastly.

Meaningful Play: The Transition of "Play" Across Maturity - Part 1

2011-07-09T14:55:00.003-07:00

One of my favorite lines from a theatrical production comes from Shakespeare's "Much Ado About Nothing", specifically the scene where the Prince, Count Claudio, and Don Leonardo have set the stage for the misogynistic, eavesdropping Benedict to completely misinterpret anything that now comes out of his sworn rival Beatrice's mouth to be cloaking her true feeling for him.

With the scene set, Beatrice, as part of the façade, is angrily sent to merely tell him "Dinner is ready." Of course, Benedict's mind, already primed, is sent spinning to make sense of the disconnect between what he has been lead to believe by his friends and the disdain with which she conveys her supposedly "true hidden feelings". It's at this point he delivers the classic line (beginning by paraphrasing Beatrice), "'Against my will I am sent to bid you come in to dinner' -- there's a double meaning in that."

So, what does this have to do with anything, especially meaningful play? A lot, actually.

One beauty of language is the many uses it inherently possesses, both practical and poetic. From the parables of Christ to the daily witty banter, words connect and disassociate ideas and draw parallels between two seemingly unrelated thoughts, conveying a deeper transcendent meaning/awareness to concept. Ever since I was young, my mind has been groomed to find these parallels (yeah, it made for a somewhat frustrating childhood), and I recently became aware of one while flying home from a trip to Utah.

As part of my training to become a physical therapist, a pediatric section was required and one of the integral ideas for intervention with children as the use of "meaningful play" - or using anything fun (games, activities, anything physical, visual, technological, quiet) to promote neuromotor or somatosensory integration.

The idea of meaningful play is an amazing tool when you see it put into action. It's not a cure all (like when the child just doesn't want to engage at ALL because it just happens to be a bad day), but most of the time, it has ways of evoking subconscious movement patterns that's almost unbelievable. It inspired me to muse on what the parallels are between what meaningful play does for children and what it means for us as adults as we continue to advance across the spectrum of aging, specifically in reference to: physical development, emotional development, cognitive development and the developing a skill set within interpersonal relations. So, for the next few blog posts I'll be delving into these aspects as they relate to our interpretations of "play". :)

Meaningful play is also very integral in a child's developing emotions, social skills, visual coordination - essentially normal development. There is so much that is learned on the playground that we miss as the Adult "voyeur", I think. This is where the Utah experience comes in. Flying home from a trip to Utah, my mother, who is a nurse at an elementary school, and I shamelessly and prively deconstructed the societal hierarchy and neurocognitive development of 7.5* children at a play table in the boarding area close to the gate. What fascinated me most was how innocently this social construct came to be merely because they were playing a game of Hangman, and how this basic blueprint does not change as we progress into adulthood. Sure, the "games" may or may not be different, but the rules, the benefits, the lessons learned (hopefully) do-not-change. Not to mention, if we don't continually practice these skills, we will lose them gradually.

Part 1 - Physical Play

My practice as a physical therapist primarily centers around adult patients and as much as I love creating functional exercises, I've come to find the ones who come to me as something a former boss of mine affectionally refered to as a "train wreck" are the ones who have forgotten to physically play. They have scores of non-genetic comobidities that likely could have been avoided if they had remained moderately active. Let's face it, when we think of exercise, we all have horrible images of past failed New Year's resolutions and disenchantment after 3-4 weeks to the point where we return to our relatively "sedentary" lifestyle (es, this does include those who are "on the go" because "on the go" is the norm...play is additional to the norm).

Why?

Is it because as we've meandered further toward the pied piper's call of the technological age, we're more apt to be passive participaters? Because we associate "play" with children and it has no place within an adult's lifestyle? I don't think this is the case necessarily, but I honestly wonder if, as adults, we've narrowed our view of what's enjoyable when it comes to physical activity. It's almost like we have a tendency to restrict ourself to what's appropriate for "adults" - since when did it become taboo to chase, kick, throw, tackle, and just flat out have a good time? Sure, you might get a little sore, but at least you had fun doing it.

In the end, I'd rather you have fun being active than variations of the alternative. There are several research articles showing the benefits of physical activity - in the broad sense of the term - for mental acuity, problem solving, emotional well-being....

So why not play instead?

Some modern adult versions of play could include:

Walking/running with a dog (sorry, Dan)
Recreational sports - either pick-up games or city leagues
Charity/Benefit races
Bicycling to explore your neighborhood, park, or preserve
Learning a new activity - take a look at Groupon for discounts to get you started on something you've always wanted to try - you might find a new love (activity) or find a new pool of friends
Just playing catch (one of my favorite pastimes)
Yoga or pilates, or even jumping rope (Tangent: this just reminded me of something - any girls remember Skip-it?)
Swimming, playing pool games with children
Gardening or yardwork
Social dancing (my ultimate game)

Those are only 10 out of a multitude of options that exist at your fingertips. Think back to what you find enjoyable and who you would like to share that experience with you - now go play, and keep yourself primed for life :)

Coming Soon - Part 2: Emotional development.

Mormon Reality Shows - A Call For Social Reform?

2011-06-28T20:29:00.001-07:00

As a diversion from my endless amount of paperwork that I take home with me nightly, I logged on to Facebook (because that's the natural thing to do when you're bored), and I saw a notice for something that made my jaw drop. No, not vitamin B infused Otter Pops (although that would be AMAZING) - The Mormon Bachelorette.

Now, I have no stones to throw - I did watch a few episodes of the secular one simply because I was bored one summer and needed a good laugh (I know, I'm horrible) - but really.... really?

Do we, of the YSA culture, really need to have something like the Mormon Bachelorette? In my opinion, there's nothing special about the people they pick to be the bachelorette nor the suitors who apply to be considered (and I mean that in the kindest way possible). In my relief society alone I associate with at least 20 beautiful, smart, ambitious, spiritual, creative, relatively normal daughters of God who are just as qualified as the young lady they chose (1 of which applied to be the next M.B. as well) and they don't have scores of guys vying to be their suitor. As for the suitors, apparently there are amazing guys who are sweet, smart, and funny still floating around out there unattached and almost out of the singles ward. What the he**??

Every woman of equal quality to the current M.B. deserves to have the following as she does. So why don't they? Now, this is where I get biased.

Not going to lie, I think half of those guys who applied to be a suitor are just looking for the fame of it all (what fame goes with a dating reality show who uses youtube as their TV network, I don't know, but I'm sure there will be some derived from it somehow),
Some of them are likely are feeling brave because the M.B. is not in their ward (complying with the urban legend that everyone in your ward is a look at someone you'll never date because it would be awkward if you broke up),
Its a less covertly-condemned-by-society version of speed dating.
Disenchantment with what's readily accessible
They're too lazy to put forth the same effort to get to know the equal-qualitied women in their own area.

As I re-read this, I realize this isn't completely fair, and it's not meant to be. But it does call into question: is YSA social culture in need of drastic social reform if this program is what we're resorting to to restore a proactive culture of dating instead of a culture of staring, wishing, hoping and waiting?

...Maybe this is what we need to get both parties to not feel awkward about asking and accepting dates from various parties and then proper acceptance or refusal of continuance.... Thoughts?

Me at 27

2011-06-12T22:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Me-At-27,

My my my, how you have grown. Maybe not so much in the waistline (I think you're still the same there), but that's okay - you lose it all when you turn 42 anyway, so you can save your energy for more important things.

I am so proud of you for finally making it out of school. I know it's been a bit of a shock to you to be out in the "real" world since you've been in school since you were 3 years old, but now its time to get down to business.

Why haven't you taken over the world yet?
......
Honestly. I know you said that you were slowly going to take over one batch of brownies at a time but I didn't think you were serious. I guess you were. Fancy that. Anyhow, don't be afraid to make a stand when you need to and to stand down when you ought to. You'll come to find in this world there are those Heavenly Father will need you to help and others to pave the way for. You may not be able to help everyone, but you need to try. You were blessed with so much - a loving family who has provided multiple opportunities for you, an education, a many gifts - that it is imperative you thank the source of all this goodness by giving to those who need them more than you do.

As you get further into the "real" world, don't forget to dance. I sound foolish telling YOU this, but at the same time, I know how you get when you don't dance, and you're more use to me when you're happy. So stop pussy footin' around.

On that same token, you need to trust your heart. When your heart and your mind are in sync, the world sings, no matter how hard or how horrible. When one of them gets out of balance, that's when trouble begins, but you already know that. True, you haven't been dealt the kindest of those particular lots, but in the grand scheme of things you have nothing to complain about. Your time will come and when it does, expect to see your mind and heart to sync and sing like you've never felt before. You'll know it when you feel it.

But a serious matter. You need to buckle down. You know what you need to do and the consequences of not following through are unfathomable. You were blessed with a degree of wisdom, you've gained some more and now its time to stop forgetting what you've learned. You're much too valuable to the work and what a glorious work you have ahead of you.

So...darling Me-At-27, the extra mile is down that way. Lead on.

Much love. Me.

Meaningful Play: The Transition of "Play" Across Maturity

2011-06-12T00:30:00.000-07:00

Coming soon...

Ode to the Odoriferous

2011-06-06T21:49:00.000-07:00

Note to self: if your perfume or cologne leaves a scent trail long after you've gone...you've dabbed on too much. That is all.

History Repeating

2011-05-30T23:09:00.001-07:00

One thing about being young, single LDS adult in a metropolis is that you are almost guaranteed to know at least 4-5 people to get married every year. That glorious and coveted exit strategy from singles wards, and usually around those times of multiple marriage celebrations, I feel the urge to pull out my A&E production of "Pride and Prejudice" to revel in that great double wedding scene (and who doesn't love Mr. Darcy - honestly...).

But in the process of getting to that great wedding scene at the end, you go on the roller coaster adventure of the Bennett sisters and this go round, I found myself being unusually cynical about Lydia's relationship. I hate that part when she pretty much shoves her eldest sister, Jane, out of the way after she and her husband, that dastardly Wickham, out of the way as they go back into the house, sneering, "Oh no, Jane. You must go lower. I take your place now, because I am a married woman!" Oooo, I wanted to kick her! Just to spite her and Wickham both, the thought of how their marriage wouldn't last instantly flashed across my mind, and I sat smugly back into my chair as if I had mentally just thrown the ultimate telepathic gauntlet. Ha! Suckers. Bad Karma coming your way.

Then I got to thinking.

I'll try to phrase this a delicately as I can, but mind you, I was in a purely academic mind frame when I started to go down this path. Lydia was very young, gestationally as well as emotionally, and from several scenes we know that Wickham realized that he hadn't made as wise of a choice when he took Lydia on in his little escapade through life. It's a fair assessment to say that if they were living in today's society, that marriage probably would have ended in divorce in less than 5 years, and that's likely being generous. Also, likely, Wickham would be more cautious when he goes to choose a companion that's more suitable for him (at least, logic would suggest so), and it got me thinking...

I know it'd be none of my business, but the male mind is one of those entities that continually fascinates me (because as much as we women make light of the male stereotype, they really do think, feel, love, hate, aspire, etc), I'd really like to know what advice men who divorced in their mid-late 20's would give other boy-men on what to look (or lookout for) when choosing a mate. And, as a follow-up to that, would the young man take that advice or would they marry the first pretty face without taking into account if they were emotionally mature to take on their new role?

Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?

2011-05-22T22:20:00.002-07:00

Hi...my name is Kate....and I'm attracted to older actors (or dead for that matter) from their younger years. I don't know what it is. I can't tell if it's the visual bravado, the fact that they're willing to go after the women they see and like, but I just love these actors in some of their respective character roles!

(This is likely due to watching too many classic movies over the past several years)

Marlon Brando in his 20s/30s, Rossano Brazzi, Paul Newman, Gene Kelly. (Vincent Price wasn't too bad in his earlier years, either.) Look at them! Uhh, how can I not without becoming disenchanted in my perception of many of the single males I interact with on a daily basis?

It's true, I just need to keep realizing people were different then than they are now, and maybe I really am an old soul in a young body, but these new guys just don't quite seem to capture the "whole" of what I think the "male" role is nowadays. True, today's contemporary thespian pool does have some winners in the likes of Denzel Washington, Brad Pitt, Hugh Jackman, Alex Pettyfer, James Marsden, Matt Damon, Colin Firth (I'm sorry, but Mr. Darcy trumps everything), and so forth.

Hmm...

Too bad we couldn't combine the two lists....

Times and Seasons

2011-04-26T23:43:00.001-07:00

If you've been stalking my status updates on Facebook, you're likely well aware that I'm not precisely bashful about sounding off my frustrations with the company I work for. I'm currently well-engaged in the process of finding alternate employment, but when I was just beginning to be truly committed to the idea of finding another job (I went through this same ordeal privately about 6 months ago when I thought shady billing practices were in the works and before I retrained my techs), I became VERY excited when I heard that there was an open position in the Sports Medicine department at the D1 university where I completed my Athletic Training degree.

What's not to be excited about?? Notoriety, free stuff, I get to rub elbows with my mentors, my patient/athletes/loyal subjects would actually do what I advised them to do (for the most part) because they cared about their injuries as much as I did, mentor new students, maybe teach a dissection lab, and the dancing would be FANTASTIC! (I'd get my two ballroom partners back, the swing/blues scene is legit, and I'd actually refine my west coast once and for all). Plus! I'd be back in the land of amazing (and economical) performing and fine art opportunities, let alone the opportunity that I might actually find someone whose not afraid of me enough to marry me. What could go wrong?

I was 90% finished with my application when I had a dose of reality.

I emailed my program director from PT school to ask if he would be willing to write a letter of reference for me. He had also graduated from this same university, knew me very well, and I had often sought counsel from him while in school. Although he said he'd be more than happy to write a letter on my behalf, he posed some questions to me that made me sit myself down and finally look the situation square in the eye and see it for what it was:

I'd be hired as an Athletic Trainer, not as a Physical Therapist, which meant: My life would live and breathe traditional athletics (not necessarily a bad thing), but I'd be traveling for most of the year, never see my family at Christmas (because the team I would be inheriting had practice the day after Christmas), and I wouldn't have the spare time that I had been blindly dreaming of. I'm A.D.D. when it comes to scenes I work in, and I would be feel committed to at least 5 years while there (in other words, burn out). I thought about splitting my time between the university and picking up PRN work for PT, but the scheduling would be a nightmare, let alone getting time off to go to conferences for Continuing Education Units for two professions. Not to mention, would the University be willing to pay for someone with a Clinical Doctorate education in a broader spectrum of neuromsuculoskeletal rehabilitation, not just a Masters? mmm...likely not. Not to mention, I never dated while I was in the program as a student - why would that change now when I would have less time and forget about trying to have a family when you're on the road, at practice, or with an athlete during surgery.

Essentially, I was so caught up in the "Greener Pastures" mentality of 1) changing my job, and 2) thinking I was going to be able to re-live my life as a college student that I completely bypassed the change in responsibilities I would be taking on and what it would mean to me in my life at this time. I LOVED my time in college because it was my "coming out" from my cocoon of Secondary education - I really found myself during that time and it provided me with the full spectrum education in a relatively safe environment.

However, that was the thing.... it gave me what I needed at the time I needed it. Those years are passed, I learned what was imperative for my development at the time, and since then I've passed through one new stage and entered my latest stage. The rules have changed - I'm a different person than I was when I was 18. So, why should I think the same "scene" would provide a similar feeling of security and fulfillment that it did the first time around? I've come to firmly believe that we're given what's necessary for our further development at every crossroad, be it a consequence, a good experience, a bad experience, a person, an acceptance, a rejection... To try to return to a "Level Completed"would be folly and temporarily damning, not to mention mentally/emotionally/characteristiacally unfullfilling.

So, as much as I long for the seemingly happier times, it won't solve my problems. I just need to bite the bullet, grow up, and use my oversized/hyperactive cerebral cortex figure out ways I can bring the things I loved about college into my adult life with a mildly more mature overtone.

....mildly more mature..... mildly.... (within reason).

Long goodbyes and perks of being intuitional

2011-03-23T00:16:00.004-07:00

I should hate long goodbyes, but like a typical addictive personality when it comes to human relations, I can't help but get stuck in them when the opportunity strikes. I guess that's one of the curses of being a strongly intuitive person as much of a science and imperative/explicit person as I am. However, I suppose there's something to be said for old flames and realistic dreams involving them.

I recently found out that the mechanical engineer I had attempted to date on and off for over a year (who burned me pretty sorely in the end and then tried to make it all better by writing an epistle to how it wasn't either of us that caused him to re-nig suddenly, it was divine inspiration.) is getting married after dating someone for only ....4 months. Now, in my culture, that's not uncommon, but for someone who only 6 months ago was coming to me because he was having trouble from realizing he was a self-centered individual who had never really learned to love someone else, let alone himself... this was a shock.

Well... a shock, a relief (because now I had the closure I needed from occasionally yearning he'd sort himself out and want to try "us" again for round 3), and bittersweet (because if he truly had figured out the beginnings of to love someone else, I envied the girl who cultured it in him). It's pathetic, but when this is the second man I've opened myself up to enough to allow myself to get burned like this, it's a meaningful thing regardless of how much I balance in my head the good times with the overwhelming ....discord.... that essentially defined our relationship.

So what about the dream? you ask. Well, before the engineer and I called it off again, I was away on an out of state internship and I had a very vivid dream that I was at a fair/carnival of some sort and I saw him walking up with a girl who is now one of my very good friends and they were holding hands. To make matters worse, she had a ring on her finger, and they said hello and walked off like there was no social obligation to explain what was going on. (which would have been about par for the engineer). Dreams, when they're that vivid, are very important to me. Sure enough, the months after that dream, the engineer decided to do somethings that were indicative that he was no longer in pursuit of my affections (after he verbally said he wanted to continue dating me while i was on my internships) without saying anything - not a word.

This brings us up to last night. I had a very vivid dream that he and I had crossed paths, and were actually having a kind of private tender moment. Eyes closed, foreheads touching, he held my right hand and said something along the lines of how I was associated with intelligence, but his fiancée was associated with the heart. I remember feeling my typical form of yearning, but then the acquiescence that one feels after their heart's been ripped out but realizes its for the best. Sometimes when I can't consciously put to rest what's over and done with, it's nice to be intuitional enough to have dreams that can put you in your place.

Clean Slates

2011-01-02T01:37:00.000-07:00

There's something to be said about the gift of choice. As cliché as it is to celebrate the turning of the new year with seemingly trivial resolutions, I've often found the zeal that accompanies such a tradition of reformation inspires a feeling of empowerment that is ubiquitous within us, yet not often utilized.

It's not often we sit down, take a look at whatever is going on in our life and actively resolve to do something differently outside of those extenuating circumstances we've all come to know, love and appreciate in hindsight. (But isn't that the point of having those moments where it becomes so bloody painfully obvious that something needs to change?) I could delve into my theories on why we don't have more meaningful re-evaluations that might lead to productive change... but, instead I think I'll stand to suggest that the waking moments we have in this life are an opportunity to make whatever we want of this we like!

So... what will you choose this year? Your paints are before you...

Thoughts on a reflection of a consecrated life

2010-10-31T01:37:00.012-07:00

I find myself particularly drawn toward an address by D. Todd Christofferson, entitled “Reflections on a Consecrated Life.” To consecrate something is to set it apart or dedicate it as sacred, devoted to holy purposes. In his talk, Christofferson draws from the example of Jesus Christ to outline 5 key elements that contribute to the consecration of one’s life to the building of the kingdom of God on this Earth in this life, namely: purity, work, respect for one’s physical body, service and integrity.

Purity
Purity, it seems, is the ultimate elusive goal. We have been instructed that to return to our Father’s presence, we must be pure, even as His Son, Our Lord and Savior, is pure and yet it seems like we are incapable of keeping ourselves free of sin to some degree. To be pure does not necessarily mean to be absolutely perfect in the sense which we imperfect mortals define it. It does mean, however, that we repent of our sins and transgressions, throw off the false mantles of pride in all of its forms, and adorn ourselves with the spirit of submission, adopting a desire for the correct, and acceptance of our individual developing subplot within the Lord’s Master plan.

We are constantly invited to come unto Christ, be perfected in Him, and become a “saint” through the Atonement of Christ. However, in this day and age, with the Adversary as bold in his tactics as he is, developing a pure constitution is becoming increasingly difficult. So, what do we do? To borrow from both B.H Roberts and a dear friend I knew many years ago, I submit this proposal. Everyone we meet and keep company with, takes a little of us with them. Doing what is necessary keep constant company with the Lord and maintain the standing invitation to the Holy Ghost will “by the very force of association,” allow us to eventually make “the light and wisdom of God [our] own,” as we consistently choose to consecrate our lives to His holy purposes.

Work
The Savior’s example of an established work ethic began at a young age. Work, in terms of our existence, takes many forms. As we convert ourselves to the Gospel of Jesus Christ, we feel a natural inclination to assist the Father and the Savior with Their work. While it is always good to “put your shoulder to the wheel”, per se, I’ve additionally taken fancy to the viewpoint of the Negro spiritual, “Ain’t got time to die”, which conveys the essence of a consecrated life: A man being too busy working, doing, and living the Gospel to be bothered with the pestering nature of death.

Temporally, work enables us to sustain and enrich our lives, as well as to survive life’s disappointments. Work can give us a sense of self-worth, assist in refining our character, and “ is the instrument of our service to one another and to God. A consecrated life is filled with work, sometimes repetitive, sometimes menial, sometimes unappreciated, but always work that improves, orders, sustains, lifts, ministers, aspires.” For anything to progress, work must be utilized – it cannot succumb to the siren call of stagnation., or idleness.

However, as we know, all work and no play doesn’t lead to a joyful existence. We must choose to balance our lives with wholesome recreation, taking in the best forms of entertainment that further enrich and support a consecrated life.

Bodily Respect
One cannot begin to fully engage in a consecrated life without the gift of a mortal physical body to house our eager spirit. If you think about it for a moment, this body you now enjoy is one of the central, catalytical reasons for why we are here now. Regardless of its shape, size, or imperfections, your body is essential for exaltation and is your personal mechanical vehicle by which your spirit gains experience and knowledge necessary to obtain the highest degree of glory. Because of our knowledge of our body’s purpose, we must “acknowledge our duty to God with respect to this crowning achievement of His physical creation” and in turn, earnestly care for it the best way we know how.

In my brief studies of anatomy, physiology, psychology, chemistry, physics, nutrition, and biomechanics, I have discovered that, for the most part, the body is a literal machine that puts out exactly what you put into it. The body doesn’t lie, and if something goes awry, it should not be because we didn’t take care of it properly.

Integrity
Integrity is the quality of being honest and having a strong moral character. We have been charged from the beginning to be honest in our dealings with one another, and any earnest seeker of a consecrated life would do well to remember that. We are accountable foremostly to God, who will judge our works from our allotted time here on this earth. A former Chief Justice of the Arizona Supreme Court had a famous piece of advice he would tell each of his children: Be good. And that was that. To “be good” meant for them to choose to conduct themselves in the way their Father in Heaven would have them, and summed up everything he wanted his children to remember as they transitioned into independence, as there is a right and a wrong, and a poor, better, and best decision to make in every situation. From Elder Christofferson, “A consecrated life does not seek to take to take advantage of another.” Being a person of integrity will afford you the ultimate trust of those with whom you associate, especially with your Father in Heaven.

Service
I transposed the order a little to make this the final tenet I discuss with you because it is the nearest to my heart. I want you to reflect on something for a moment: Why do you help someone? Is it because others are watching? Because of someone else’s expectations? Or because of genuine concern for that person’s welfare? Since I was a small, my parents had my brothers and I involved in doing what my mother called “good works.” In laymen’s terms she meant service, but she’s from Tennessee, so that translates to “good works” in her vernacular. These good works ranged from staying after most if not every church activity to help clean up, supporting service projects, donating blood when we were old enough, preparing meals for new mothers, you name it and my brothers and I did it. My mother would additionally direct our attentions to people who devoted much of their lives to doing good works, like the Savior, the prophets of God, as well as Eleanor Roosevelt, Albert Schweitzer, and even some of the local people we knew from Church and school. My mother’s focus on service even extends to her office at school where she works as a nurse. She has a tin full of lemon drops that she’ll reward to a lucky child if they correctly answer her one simple question, “What good have you done for humanity today?” (which is a heavy question if you’re a 7 year old, if you ask me, but lemon drops get handed out, so their answers must be legitimate)

For many years, I never really understood what good works, or service, was; I just assumed it was doing something because no one else was going to do it. As years passed and I matured, I learned through trial, and many hours of long suffering why my mother was so adamant about us lending a hand at every available opportunity - to instill in us the value of not only work, but that of learning to be helpful, what it was to fill a need, and to be grateful for everything that we have been blessed with but imparting of that substance to those who need it more than we do.

As part of the baptismal covenant in Mosiah 18, new members to the Church of God were described as being a people who are:

“8…willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;
9. Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort
those that stand in need of comfort.”

We begin to feel love for those we barely knew because we then began to see them more as our Father and Savior see them: as our brothers and sisters, regardless of race, religion, creed, body type, hair color, financial status, or orientation. As Elder M. Russell Ballard stated in a talk from the April 2001 Conference, “…a doctrine of inclusion…That is what we believe…If we are truly disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ, we will reach out with love and understanding to all of our neighbors at all times.” As my mother always said, “We all bleed red blood.”

From Elder Christofferson, “Jesus demonstrated that a consecrated life is a life of service. Hours before the agony of His Atonement began, [arguably the greatest act of service in this life], the Lord humbly washed His disciples feet, saying to them:

‘If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you. Verily, verily, I say unto you, The servant is not greater than his lord; neither he that is sent greater than he that sent him.’

Those who quietly and thoughtfully go about doing good offer a model of consecration.”

A consecrated life has the ability to influence many for good, as well as to lay the foundation for our own joyful eternity. We have been allotted a finite amount of time here on this earth, and what we choose to do with that time moment to moment, we will have to account for before the Lord at the end. I encourage each of you to develop the requisite faith to make the decision to wholly consecrate your lives to the cause of Christ, “that we shall appear to be like him” and be a united force for good on our Father’s behalf. I leave this with you with my testimony of its truthfulness.

Thoughts on a Sunday

2010-08-08T23:39:00.000-07:00

I'm a Visiting Teaching "district leader" in my Relief Society organization and I got an email this morning from my Relief Society President regarding some updates to Visiting Teaching assignments and some general business. One item that was raised in the email was that our monthly meetings with all the other district leaders and the RS presidency to go over the needs of the women in our group would now include the Elder's Quorum auxillary over Home Teaching to put our heads together regarding the sisters.

This got me musing about my past Home Teachers, especially about the ones that made a significant impact on my life through very small means. I'm still friends with my first set of HT's when I was a freshman at BYU, but my thoughts settled around a set that I had the following year when I was a sophomore. Due the course of events, I was living with none of my adopted sisters I made freshman year, but went "pot luck" in my transition to real world living (i.e. apartment and all the responsiblities that accompany that leap). That fall, I lived with 3 new girls, 2 other sophomores and a freshman and we were civil but I never really became friends with them. Two of them changed apartments for the following semester, leaving me with the other girl who was always at her boyfriend's. Add to this my being in a private room with a dash of cliquish activity from my ward and needless to say I had a lot of quiet reflection time to myself.**

All that alone time worked wonders on my grades as I prepared to apply to the Athletic Training program, let me tell you (3.81 semester GPA that winter compared to the 3.2 semesters before lol). Something else it did was allow me to develop my relationship with my Heavenly Father and Savior. Never before had I started out being so emotionally and physically alone, and it became pressingly apparent to me that I was to sink or learn to swim.

So I swam.

But I had some help. The Lord was very kind and very mindful of me that year and I saw His hand in my life almost everyday thanks to some cueing from my mother. She told me in an email one day that I should look for something good every day, even if it was just seeing something amusing, enjoying a particular flower on campus, or getting to view a sunset on my way home.

My way home....

Lots of things happened on my way home from campus, one of favorites involved one of my Home Teachers during the Winter semester. Barrett Edwards was one of THEE guys to know in the ward at the time. We had two Elders Quorums and he was the president of one of them, he was tall, handsome, had money and drove a 300 series BMW while in college. Yeah. Barrett was released from his presidency position before Winter semester and in due course became my Home Teacher along with his roommate Jason Hunter. Barrett and Jason came to visit me every month and were amazingly dilligent about doing so. Both of them were Mac enthusiasts, so we had something in common there as well, but the thing about Barrett that's stuck with me all of these years were the rides home he gave me. On certain days when I had my even Beginning Athletic Training course that ran into the evening, I'd be walking home at dusk and at least twice a month on those days Barrett would be driving home the same way. I'd be 75 yards from the entrance to our apt complex and he'd hail me down and give me a ride that short distance, simply because it was getting dark and cold outside.

For an out-of-place 20 year old, you can probably imagine what that meant to me. (nostalgic smirk) Barrett helped me to see more clearly what a genuine servant of the Lord can be, especially one who conducts himself with full purpose of heart - what a Home and Visiting Teacher should be.

Just some thoughts I had on a Sunday...

**Barrett Edwards was not the only God-send friend I had in that apt complex or ward by any means. There were some very genuinely good people there, and heaven knows I found them (Laurie, Jamie, Arienne, Jessica, Starlee, Scott, Amber amongst others).

Reflections I'm apparently suppose to be having

2010-08-01T11:49:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if it's because I've been wishfully thinking about guys I use to date or my hormones coming into imbalance (which weakens my defense against loneliness and social ineptitude), but I had a dream last night about a gentleman who asked me out in the Testing Center at BYU when I was a freshman. As in, ACTUALLY in the testing room with the proctors roaming waiting to pounce on someone remotely suspected of cheating. (It was a very smooth transaction - he dropped a very carefully torn and folded tiny lil note on the corner of my desk while walking by. We only went out once, very sweet and very smart, but I was 19 and immature, more concerned with trivial things than what matters most because I didn't have any true bearing on what matters most).

In the dream he still had his amazing intelligence (double major in Chemical Engineering and Physics Education) and his same humble sweetness, but the connection was different this time, almost like things had been waiting for me to turn my corner so I wouldn't be such a superficial jerk to such gifts proffered me - a good man, smart man, willing to devote himself to me and an "us" and for me to finally to be in the psychosocial position to do the same.

Heh, turning corners. An interesting thought to ponder. My interpersonal relation skills on a basal level have always been good, but it was a matter of refining them, and ultimately myself, in the process. Some things I've come to realize....

- I almost lust after intelligence and the ability to create physical items at the same time. Give me a machinist or carpenter, anyone who works with their hands with common sense, tenacity, deductive reasoning skills or an equivalent IQ of 150+ any day.

- Raw attraction completes what intelligence/common sense/loyalty/all other quality characteristics don't fill. It's a fact of life and that's that.

- I'm shy when I care, and brazen when I'm confident.

- Genuine loyalty and friendship is pretty quickly determined.

- I like feeling safe more often than feeling like I have to beat up someone (I don't take well to men I feel the need to physically protect)

- True charity knows no bounds - I admire the those who don't put a price tag or a mark on the balance sheet when it comes to helping someone else out who needs it; who love without repose; who ACT on behalf of another, not just think about it or delegate it off.

- Banter exercises my brain, but I respond best to a common sensed, honest and soft hand.

- Balance - too much of a good thing is still too much of a good thing, just as not enough of a good thing, or too much of a bad thing. Common interests are a spark and a glue, differences keep things healthy.

- Being able to dance is more than just being able to reproduce preconceived notions of steps and patterns.

- Ambition is almost as luring as intelligence.

- Extracurricular talents involving the performing arts are nice, but they're more the glitter than the substance.

- Intuition needs to be balanced with Imperitive - good touch says more than words for me, but that's not how everyone operates, and I've finally come to understand that.

- How boys are is drastically different than how men are.

- I prefer a long and steady road than a short quick route

- Fear is legitimate, but never an excuse.

- Communication, in all forms, but especially verbal, will make and break it all.

It's been a long and winding road that's gotten me to where I am, and I know there are many more long and winding paths ahead. I wish I could send thanks to all those I've had the pleasure of giving myself to in all forms so that I may learn more about myself in return, but I suppose they'll figure it out eventually. Maybe.

The "Rescue" Dog

2010-05-20T00:35:00.002-07:00

As a little background to this post: My parents and I share a purebred Rhodesian Ridgeback. He's 8 years old, now, but he's not exactly....old...in any way, shape, and/or form. He's partially tame, gets over excited about things that are to his benefit, gets belligerent if its not, and is just now gradually coming around to the idea that when I tell him to do something, he needs to do it. I've long recognized the parallel between my role as my dog's primary parent and that of real parents, who leave their children in the care of their parents, only to collect said children in a worse behavioral state than when they left them. *hangs head* (insert long sigh). No 8 year old dog should not respond to his name nor require a spiked choke chain to walk on a leash outside of his yard.

Anyway, since I've been home more consistently, I've been working with him on responding to commands more appropriately (i.e. not lying down when I tell him to sit), his overall visual-dynamic coordination (he can now catch something in the air from various positions), BUT he's still in transition from using the choke chain while on walks outside of our yard. The added quality time that I've had with him I've come to predict his behavior and thus deduce ways to improve his obedience.

My dog has the amazing ability to get himself worked up while going to the vet. So, I tested out my theories on him today and here's the box score for the end game: Walking up hills prior to going, good idea. Letting him watch me get my truck ready for his transportation, good idea. Including his stuffed pheasant in the cargo bay, useless idea. Cheese, good idea. Other dogs in the same room as the scale, not so good idea. Alone in the room with the scale, good idea. Having a culturally specific name that has a high incidence of mispronunciation, neutral idea. Leaving him alone with your parents for 8 years, not a good idea. Using a firm but calm voice, best idea.

In the end, he walks out of the vet's office all happy and calm, not pulling on his leash. Stark contrast to when we first got there, when he was a ball of hemorrhaging catecholamines. He was so bad, one lady who was walking past earnestly asked if he was a "rescue" dog. =) No... no no no. This is just the way he is.

All Is Fair in Love and Trust...

2010-01-25T00:13:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to write my thoughts on this topic for two weeks now, but for whatever reason I kept putting it off for more entertaining topics (like the cr-AZY stuff I see at the VA). But, now that I've finished my dessert, I'm ready to attack my vegetables.

I was sitting in Sunday School two weeks ago, and we were talking about the Council in Heaven. The discussion had gathered around Abraham 3:22-23, where the prophet learns about foreordination, seeing the "noble and great" intelligences amongst the droves and then being told by his Creator "thou was one of them." I cannot help but think how humbling of a moment that must have been, to learn that he was one who was most faithful and obedient during his pre-earth life. And in looking at Abraham, the proof was certainly in the pudding, he was noble and great prior to his birth was certainly most nobel and great during his time in mortality.

But in mentioning those descriptors along, "noble" and "great", someone behind me made an interesting connection that I don't think I will forget. Those spirits, or intelligences, who stood out to Abraham in this vision were most likely those other prophets who went before and came after him (and I believe the Savior was among them). I do not claim that as an all inclusive list by any means, but I know it includes them...minimum. Either way, the parallel the young man behind me proffered went something like this:

It is given that God's greatest work on this earth is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. This is not an easy task and the sheer gravity of thinking about such a prospect will drive that thought home. Just like any of our parents would only entrust their child's wellbeing into the hands of loved and capable people, Heavenly Father did the same. He chose those 'noble and great ones' to eventually become leaders of His people because He trusted them - He knew they would not fail Him. God's love does extend to every one of His children, that goes without question or doubt.... but He only trusts a few.

The thought of that hit me hard, especially in light of my Patriarchal Blessing and certain things I've experienced in my life that have testified to me that Heavenly Father must either need me for something or didn't want me to return to Him in such a state of little progression as I have obtainted (in which case only further proves His love for me as an individual). How despairing it is to think of God not trusting someone... to me that is just as grave a failure as anything else - one of the few beings who has the ability to love every single one of His children unconditionally and yet know He could not trust them w/ whatever aspect of His magnum opus...

But, indeed, we need not despair. Heaven knows we have our agency and are here to use just that. Because we have the ability to choose, we may resolve ourselves to be more consistently obedient and prove ourselves worthy of God's trust as a compliment to His love. How our agency can set us free... =)

Also, how this parallels our day to day relations we have with one another...

Something to ponder.

Come, Let Us Anew...

2010-01-04T00:03:00.001-07:00

It's hard to believe that a year has already passed, and what a year was 2009.

A year ago this month, I practically swore to my Bishop in Flagstaff that I wouldn't be taking out my endowments for a very long time, nor would I be getting married any time soon. Well... 10 months later, I received my endowment, but I'm still not any closer to getting married. One of these days...

A year ago come February will mark the 1-year anniversary my cousin and classmate, Holly, and I received a second chance at life. On a blizzardy early afternoon, February 9th, we were involved in a multi-car and semi pile up on I-40 W toward Kingman. Due to a sudden entrance into a low visibility stretch on a hill, Holly was unable to stop in time before sliding into the wheel-well of a semi that had already collided with another semi to avoid smashing into a longer stretch of piled up vehicles in front of them. I had the last look before impact, but I had the impression this wasn't the end for us. Holly and I ducked into each other and a few bangs and jerks later we were still. Holly had the inspiration we needed to get out, and we climbed out the back window which had miraculously been avulsed from the vehicle. We hopped the guardrail and ran upstream to warn other cars just as two other semi's hauntingly crashed into the area where we had just been. The snow lifted, the sun intermittently came out and as far as we knew, other cars behind us were able to stop safely. Holly's car was totaled and all we escaped with were a subluxed SC joint for Holly and a hematoma along my anterior tibialis and a few months of sensory nerve regrowth. If both of us had stayed, we would be dead. Thankfully, no one involved that day expired - a faith reaffirming experience that I'll expound for you in a more private forum if you ask me to.

Fly fishing trips, a grandmother's health in question, and hopes for the future to plan for. I still don't know if I made the right decisions in setting up my rotations as I have them, but only time will tell, and in the end, I am the master of my education. I was offered a research position with some professors that saved my sanity and improved my confidence in myself as a clinician and a person of character. However, cleaning cadaver tanks was an experience I shall never forget. I do miss dissection.

Leaving Flagstaff for Phoenix was harder than I anticipated. I arrived there from Utah ready to leave and I left there not wanting to go...

Moving back in with my parents was interesting, as it prompted a lot of house cleaning and many donations to Good Will. The discussions resumed about when my curfew would be: Dad said 10pm because after that I was going to get shot at a streetlight while driving home, I said Midnight. Mom broke the tie with Midnight. So began my matriculation back into Phoenix society - records transferred into new singles ward, met AMAZING people that I feel very small next to, helping mom with the house, volleyball on Tuesdays, and resume unspoken repartee with my unofficial "nemesis" (?) - not sure what I would call him...

Rotations beginning and my year long training on how to be a real therapist. Scary. Started out with outpatient Neuro rehab at SWAN. Had the most patient CI in the world who I swear, thought I was crazy half the time. We were cut out of the same cloth 20 years apart. I made amazing friends there and learned a lot about myself. Moved to Utah for my 2nd rotation to finally get some closure on my life there. The rotation wasn't what I thought I needed, in the entire 8 weeks I was there, I didn't do one initial evaluation and I about had a coronary the entire first week I was there. However, it gave me much needed experience in actually treating someone....now I just need to re-learn how to go through an intake form. While the rotation was a chore at times, the dancing was great. All I did was Blues, and I made some great friends while I was at it. The Blues scene made it hard to leave Utah. That and a couple prospects I left behind.

And what would a reflection blog be without a touch on the love life (as I know so many of you are on the edge of your seats). The close of this year also saw the close of some hoped for relations, both years in the making. Upon reacquaintance, one pushed too hard too fast and scared me off, the other didn't push enough over long distance and we lost each others hearts for good. Had a few nibbles since then, but I'm open for suggestions... (however, he must be of strong constitution for heaven help the man who courts and marries a Kate).

However, whenever a door closes a window opens. A new year is upon us and I realized I lived the last 5 months of my life in fear. Fear that I wouldn't be the perfect intern, fear that I wouldn't learn what I thought I was suppose to, fear that I had screwed up my potential for happiness, and fear that my Father was mad at me. The canvas is fresh, the paints are old, but there are other fresher colors and utensils to use as well. I have rarely been one to accept fear as a reason for not doing anything I was suppose to be doing - there may be uncertainty, but no fear.

So, with that, I say hello to this brave new year, full of possibilities, challenges, and growth. Let's dance.... =)

To Be or Not To Be...? I'll Take 'Not'. Wait what?

2009-12-23T00:48:00.002-07:00

I was on a blind double date with my former roommate Alyce, her husband, Mark, and Mark's friend Sam and the topic of conversation between Sam and I turned at one point to preferences, specifically of the personal nature.

Asked Sam, "So, if there's one thing you could change about yourself, what would it be?"

I thought about it for a moment - of course the first thing that came to my mind was my hip contour, then the unevenness of my eyebrows, and so forth, but as I thought about it further, the more I realized all those things that I would change would change the essence of who I am.

"Nothing."
"Really? Nothing?"
"Yeah. I'm actually pretty happy with myself."
"Mmmm..." replies Sam. "What about other people? If there's something you could change about one other person, what would you change?"

Heh, that's a whole 'nother can of worms... I thought about my frustrations with Sean. Nah. I thought about mother never apologizing for a thing she's done in her life that's involved me. Nah.

"You know, I don't think I'd change anything either."
"Why not?"
"Because then they wouldn't be them. Changing any of that would mold them into how we want them to be and not allow them to become whatever they're going to choose be naturally."

As much as I get annoyed and frustrated by the small things people will sometimes do, it makes them who they are to me. It's a nice idea to think about what small or large adjustments we wish we could make to people so they turn out more in line with what we think perfection is or they'd be better off if they just did... (some things are legit though, such as using it as a way to combat Indifference within the human soul).

Thoughts?

Natural Affection

2009-12-21T14:04:00.010-07:00

I was sitting in Stake Conference for the BYU 21st Stake a few weeks back and was caught up in one talk in particular that just struck me. The 4th speaker was the Stake's Sunday School President, one Bryan McKinnon, who spoke about traits that do not exist within a Zion-like community or individual. Toward the beginning, he made note of the Apostle Paul's observations regarding "natural affection" from 2 Timothy 3:1-4:

1. This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come.
2. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blashphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy;
3. Without natural affection...despisers of those that are good.
4. ....lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God;*

What resonated with me most was verse 3, the prospect of men being without natural affection. Paul did not expressly outline the definition of "natural affection," but from the passage one may deduce that it is essentially being sans charity, meaning the pure love of Christ, the love that innately starts out within us as the seedling known as the Light of Christ, that gently persuades us to do the good things we do.** This particular passage reminded me of A Picture of Dorian Gray and Brave New World, which are two of my favorite books because they illustrate what may happen when man does not possess natural affection.

I guess it's the prospect of rampant indifference which disheartened me a little more, as I feel that Indifference is more of a stonewalling emotion, per se - a true lack of natural affection, as there essentially is none. At least with Hate there's the potential for Love to counteract because it's active and fluid, and bridling this passion can eventually lead to Love. But with Indifference..... that's the silent battle dependent upon agency and counseling with one's Creator. Although, as I've developed this thought, it's come to my attention at how my suggestion for Indifference can be the same for Hate... Yet at the same time, I can't shake the impression that Hate can be helped more than Indifference, at least through the assistance of others. Please, feel free to proffer thoughts...

Wow, this post quickly turned into a downer, didn't it. I guess I better get on with the rest of my thoughts.

I'm not naive enough to not see that Paul's words aren't already occurring in the world, or that it doesn't exist in me to a certain extent. I do, however, have enough hope in people that they're smart and aware enough to ultimately choose the least destructive paths that are always presented to them. I mean, look around.... There are people bettering humanity out of the sheer goodness of their hearts because somehow they got the clue a number of us are all missing. Some may not be very consistent, and some may be trying to make up for misdeeds of the past, but the point is is that they're choosing to act upon how I think their natural affection is moving them to do so, which opens them up to some internal remodeling, if you will. (Sorry, I couldn't let this post get away without bringing in at least one health related analogy).

I guess the question then becomes, what more can we do to keep this flow going and prevent humanity from "drying up," if you will? Brother McKinnon gave some thoughts as to how, and with your permission I'd like to add some others of my own that I've picked up from others along the way:

Rededicate yourself to a constructive cause greater than yourself.
Modesty in thought, action, self-presentation.
"Shelter yourself beneath the roof of self-mastery" (can you tell the good brother's a contractor?)
Be honest with yourself and even more so with those with whom you interact.
Love (Trite? Simple? ... Maybe.... But it's true. And I DARE you to dispute me on this one)

Until then, we go on being us, I suppose...

*I hope you'll forgive my selective paraphrasing of verses 3 and 4 - verse 2 set the stage well enough, I believe, to be able to highlight the cruxes of those last two verses.

**If that's not enough, from the accepted definitions from Merriam-Webster, "natural" being innate and "affection" being "a gentle feeling of fondness or liking" potentially including "a physical expression of these feelings."

A Word of Advisement to Guys Hoping to Become Gentlemen

2009-12-08T21:54:00.007-07:00

Guys..... (Gentlemen, you're excused.)

I know you all have good, good hearts. And you mean well. But when a girl who is pretty by universally agreed upon social standards says she doesn't think she's pretty or looks good in pictures..... she partially means it.

Which also means she partially doesn't mean it at the same time.

It was once common knowledge that pretty much most girls will rarely like candid pictures they're in, and often use the superlative-laden statement... "I never look good...." Maybe its only other women who are attuned to this fact...

At any rate, she probably looks fine, but for whatever reason, in her eyes she doesn't, which is right in line with the way women naturally are. So, while it's a good thing to go above and beyond to make the "doubtful" young lady feel special and to attempt to boost her self-esteem in the photographic sense, anonymously or otherwise, it might be good to be mindful...in theory.... not officially, but in theory.... of what another girl you're potentially dating might think of your efforts for said pretty girl.

...Especially when you barely make an effort to make the girl you're potentially dating feel like she means something to you.

Don't worry boys, I still love you. But please try to be more aware of more than just one person, which I know is hard to do when you're excited. You've had practice of being stewards over multiple people, so this shouldn't be new to you. If it is, come talk to me and I'll write you a Dr's Note.

Things I've noticed about men lately

2009-12-06T23:30:00.005-07:00

1. They're just as capable of being as emotionally erratic as women. It's become entertaining to me at how each sex keeps pointing fingers at one another when really we're both doing the same thing just in different ways. Strangely entertaining

2. Poli Sci majors are the most entertaining conversationally, at least for me, because they love to talk about anything, I love to banter, and they're good sports about it.

3. Younger guys have more spirit, but older guys have more maturity and experience. There are a decent amount of pro's and con's to both, and I suppose the advantage goes to whichever trait the situation needs more of.

4. Girls like to dog on science oriented guys, especially physicists, IT, and engineers, for being odd, nerdy, short on emotion and long on awkwardness. While true in many cases, I think I've been spoiled because most of the science-oriented gentlemen I've had the pleasure of knowing are some of my best friends who have the biggest hearts I've yet to know - they're just not as animated as other men, so they often get dismissed as a result. While the case may be made that my present position is secondary to my being a nerdy girl (thereby being on the same plane they are), I'm decently liberal arts oriented, and a girl above all else. I think that alone neutralizes the argument.

5. Men who are serious about dance have a higher incidence of being emotionally vague. I've seen it in two states, spanning multiple cities in both respective locales, and in multiple style-scenes (i.e. ballroom, country, swing, etc). It's hard to be friends when they're trying to decide if they remember you from one week to another, especially if they think they're a better dancer than you. The more skilled ones WILL flirt with any pretty girl, even if they're dating or are interested in someone else, so ladies, keep your wits about you. While I am tonge-in-cheek about this particular observation, it isn't always the case, and I can cite just as many cases for both. Dancers are like engineers, you just need to take them as they are.

6. They're just as scared as women, they're just as quirky as women, and they're just as human as women. Treat them like a human and not like a stereotype.

To be continued...

Lessons Learned from "Wuthering Heights"

2009-11-28T12:23:00.010-07:00

I should be ashamed of myself... but I'm not. Yes, I will be reviewing this story based on the film version I recently tortured myself with.

1. One Bronte no equally the other. As much as I HATED reading Jane Eyre as a freshman in high school, I've decided that classic books of which I abhor the writing, I just need to watch the film version - so much more palatable than page-long run-on sentences that abuse the semicolon. Significance? I finally understood the story! It opened up the real world of Jane Eyre which I hadn't seen during my first introduction that I ended up absolutely loving the tale. So what happens when I run into Wuthering Heights? I watch the film version...and about stab myself because instead of run-on sentence abuse, there's the "Young and the Restless" of the 19th Century. Ironic juxtaposition, but I think the latter Bronte was crying out for help (maybe after actually reading her sister's story - she needed the film version).

2. Never date guys named Heathcliff - crazy name = crazier men, and crazier men revenge is a (insert your favorite negative adjective).

3. Self control is a good thing. I think if Kathy had had a little chit chat with Dorian Gray prior to her betrayal, she could have gleaned what happens when we throw our emotions around to whomever is in front of us. (and yes, I know those two books weren't contemporaries of one another).

4. Simple communication could have solved all of their problems, and cut this book down to a Cliffnotes sized pamphlet, or shorter.

When Reality Tempers Projections

2009-11-23T21:41:00.009-07:00

The title of this sounds a great deal more dour than I intended, but it is what it is. My thoughts tonight were prompted by somethings I've observed and heard over the past few weeks at my clinical site.

My CI is co-owner of the chain of clinics I'm working at presently and he works very hard to promote their offices. He often tells me that a P.T. wears multiple hats, and being in his position, if they want to stay in business, he has to attend meetings, address this, address that, and work every connection he has to keep his referral base up.

I've been particularly interested in my CI and how he balances all of his hats (hat fetish potentially contributing - chew on that one if you know me that well) because I've considered co-owning a clinic in the future. This is the plan I've been telling everyone until today when the Lead Aide (who should be a therapist, in my opinion (don't worry, she's applying)) said something during a break as she was transferring the daily notes into the computer. She and I were discussing some things that need to be brought up to the other aides and how they need to come from my CI (being the head honcho), "but he's never here" she bemoaned.

This got me thinking.

It was kinda true. My CI is scant at times, though he's usually pretty good about being in the office. However, there are days he comes in late when we're short-handed from an "authoritative" and resource standpoint (only one other staff therapist at this particular clinic, and I'm not trained to administer ASTYM, which a good portion of our patients receive). This got me thinking about my last clinical rotation where the clinic owner (also a practicing P.T.) didn't take a steady caseload because she was always on the phone with people, traveling, or presenting.

Now there may come a time when I'll want to phase more out of the patient care realm and more into administrative (potentially another projection that may get tempered by reality), but not now or anytime soon. I like being in the fox holes too much at the present - that's where I instinctively want to be. I am a healer, not a desk jockey. Not to suggest that those in administrative roles don't have a large hand in healing (I mean, who else fights the bureaucratic battles that allows the fox holers to do what they do best), and I'd be lying if I said that I don't have a tendency to pick fights to allow those coming after me a chance to get their hands dirty... Everyone has their strengths, but mine is not playing nicely with PR. I'll probably eat those words later.

I'm also the type of person who has been thrown into so many situations that I think I can do everything, and do it right. However, my thinking has changed and it'll probably be a lot longer if and when I ever decide to co-own a clinic with someone. Funny how oft times we either voluntarily or are forced to make premature decisions and hope they pan out like we hope they ought to. There are lessons always to be learned, whether or not we get our ideal or dream situation, as no education is ever wasted. Guess that's the beauty about the dance that is life.

Cracked.com summary of Twilight

2009-11-22T17:46:00.019-07:00

Edited for language and some content from the original article, which was obviously written by a man, which makes it all that much more funny. Everything below the dotted line is from Cracked.com (http://www.cracked.com/funny-36-twilight/)
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The 'Twilight' series contains four books about a dreamy vampire and the charmingly klutzy girl who loves him. It was written by Stephanie Meyer, presumably on the back of a trapper keeper while she was still in high school.

Just The Facts

1. Too many people take these books seriously.
2. Taken together, the series is the 'Manos: The Hands of Fate' of literature.
3. Either because they love comedy or hate themselves, the winners of this week's Topics Page Contest read every word of the entire series.

Our Protagonists

The books tell the story of the vampire Edward Cullen, who is described as an "Adonis" no more than every time the author is able to, and Bella Swan, a "plain" girl who reads "serious" literature like Wuthering Heights because she's so intelligent. Also, she is much more advanced than the students in the school that she has just moved to, but that's okay, because she makes up for it by being clumsy, since every well-developed character needs exactly one (1) flaw.

Stylistic Choices

Stephanie Meyer's exemplary writing style is demonstrated in this conversation between Edward and our narrator Bella:

"Aren't you hungry?" he asked, distracted.

"No." I didn't feel like mentioning that my stomach was already full - full of butterflies.

Book One: Twilight

Despite being so plain, Bella is admired by everyone in her new hometown of Forks, Washington, especially Edward Cullen. Originally, Edward just wanted to eat her, but, disappointingly, realizes eventually that in fact what he is feeling is true love, and after a couple of days they start dating. After two or three weeks, Bella is begging him to turn her into a vampire because of true love.

This isn't made explicitly clear in the book, but Edward has been creeping into her room and watching her sleep every night since he met her. More on that later.

Also, Edward has mind-reading powers, except they don't work on Bella. This isn't really as big a part of the story as most people think it is, and in fact we can (and will) get away without ever mentioning it again.

A mere number of days after they begin dating, Edward takes her to the woods and reveals the real reason that vampires don't go out in the sun: they sparkle. This is the turning point in what until now has been just a bad book. Bella gasps and swoons, and Edward takes his shirt off to show her all of his glitter infection, and then they lie there chastely on the grass. The rest of the book is spent talking about true love and Edward's rock-hard abs. Kissing cold, marble, statuesque lips is apparently sexy.

Later, Bella kisses Edward so hard he almost "loses control", but luckily, as the man in the relationship, it's his duty to keep poor little overexcited Bella in line, so he tells her to stop kissing him.

Three hundred pages after "Oh, you like me too? No way, I thought you hated me!", the plot arrives late to the party, drunk, in a beat-up '53 Chevy pick-up truck. It drives away about fifty pages later and crashes into a tree, gets sent to the hospital, and is rarely heard from again throughout the course of the series.

Book Two: New Moon

Book Two begins with Bella angsting about reaching the old age of eighteen, which she worries will make her some sort of cradle-snatching freak because her boyfriend Edward is eternally seventeen. The fact that a 109-year-old vampire is sexually interested in an emotionally immature girl 90 years his junior apparently doesn't bother her. Edward cheers up Bella by giving her a mix tape. Unfortunately, later Edward changes his mind, takes back the mix tape, and dumps Bella. He leaves her in the forest by herself, and being a woman and thus without a sense of direction, she gets lost and almost dies.

Bella spends the rest of the book going crazy, imagining Edward's voice and partaking in ever more self-destructive activities. During this time she befriends Jacob Black, who turns out to be a werewolf but is still way better for her than Edward. She finally regains Edward's attention after she deliberately jumps off a cliff and almost dies. Edward, being a thirteen-year-old girl, thinks Bella has died and goes to Italy to commit suicide. He attempts to do this by exposing himself to the sun at noon in an Italian town. Since sunlight doesn't actually harm Twilight vampires, one must assume that Edward is hoping some macho Italians will see him in at full sparkle and beat him to death for being [...].

Bella teams up with Edward's sister Alice to rescue her ex from his emoness. After a crazy mix up that finds Bella and Edward temporarily in an Anne Rice novel, Edward reaccepts her.

This novel thus teaches two important lessons to young girls everywhere:

1) If a guy dumps you and says he doesn't love you anymore, he doesn't mean it. All you have to do is beg and destroy your life to prove that you really love him, and he'll come right back and love you even more!

2) It is perfectly cool to string along innocent but decent guys who are crushing on you and then dump them immediately as soon as your ex-boyfriend reappears, and totally normal if said ex-boyfriend forbids you from seeing your old friend. After all, your love for your ex must be far stronger, because he makes you feel 'alive' and 'dangerous' since he's always on the verge of killing you. And stalking you. We can't really mention that enough.

Book Three: Eclipse

The plot revolves around a villain from the first book, who is stalking Bella. But this is just a background to the real plot, which is about Edward stalking Bella. The book focuses on the choice Bella must make between Jacob Black and Edward Cullen, two tall, good-looking, devoted men with cool supernatural abilities. This is exactly the kind of problem that normal women face every day.

Halfway through, Stephenie Meyer realizes that Jacob Black is far cooler than Edward and performs a quick character assassination by having him [take advantage of] her. Bella punches him and runs away, but later discovers she loves him, which teaches us more lessons:

1) If a girl says she doesn't love you, just keep sexually assaulting her. Eventually she'll realize she likes it.

2) Leading two guys on for years because you 'love them both' is perfectly acceptable, as long as you feel really bad about it at some point.

All through this we learn more about more secondary characters, who like Alice and Jacob are far more interesting than either Edward or Bella. These include:

1) Edward's sister Rosalie, who performed a massacre that sounds like Kill Bill with vampires. Kill Bill! With vampires!!!

2) Edward's brother Jasper, who is old enough to have fought for the South, and used to take part in vampire turf wars. Vampire turf wars!!!!!!!!!

Normal Vampire Turf Wars:

Twilight Vampire Turf Wars:

Unfortunately, we only get about five pages each on these guys. This gives us more space for Bella and Edward to stare into each others' eyes and quote from Wuthering Heights, in a good example of the old 'mask the inadequacies of your own work by quoting from someone who could actually write' method.

Also, Bella thinks about vampires some more.

"It was childish, but I liked the idea that his lips would be the last good thing I would feel. Even more embarrassingly, something I would never say aloud, I wanted his venom to poison my system."

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Bella Swan: eighteen and already looking forward to death, she is the perfect role model for your young teenage girl. After an unintentionally hilarious end battle Bella and Edward decide to get married, bringing us to the end of yet another 700 pages without any [rolls in the hay].

Breaking Dawn: The One With The Vampire [Consummation of Marriage].

The newly-married Bella and Edward embark on their honeymoon, where Bella spends a lot of time getting Edward to make love to her. We like to think that he is afraid of this partly because he is afraid of hurting her with his super-strength.

There's also some blatant foreshadowing right around the time that the "Denali clan" is mentioned. Apparently it's illegal for vampires to have babies (and it's supposed to be impossible anyway) and if that rule is ever broken, the Italian Mafia Vampires from the second book will swoop down and kill the baby vampire and its family. Then Bella has a dream about a baby vampire sitting on a pile of deadified everyone-she-cares-about. We imagine that Meyer's editor had to cross out the "DUN DUN DUN" in the original manuscript.

Around this point, the reader is shocked and disturbed to find out that Stephenie Meyer is actually using vampirism to weave quite a skillful metaphor for adolescent fears about love and physical intimacy. Bella loves Edward so much that she is willing to give up her life for him. This desire, which seems unhealthy at first glance, is only possible because of her absolute trust in the fact that he would never willingly hurt her.

Before all that, though, Edward and Bella have another one of their annoying arguments. Vampires, especially Edward because he's so special, are supposed to be super-strong and primal, and Bella wants to have sex with Edward before he turns her into a vampire. Edward thinks it will hurt Bella. Bella says she doesn't care. We skip a couple pages.

Right before they have sex, Meyer remembers that she's writing out her fantasies for an audience now, and so she abruptly pulls a PG-13 "fade-to-black", disappointing any male Twilight fans who were hoping for a closer look at [Bella].

When Bella wakes up, she is covered in feathers because the sex was so rough and passionate that Edward bit a pillow. Then Edward points out that Bella is covered in bruises. She brushes off his concern and then the two of them whine about how unhappy they are now because they've made each other unhappy by being unhappy, and then we kind of stopped reading for a couple of minutes. But we learned a few more things:

1) It doesn't matter if he hurts you

2) He only did it because he loves you.

Excluding all the questionable sex, you might start to think that maybe this book isn't an entirely bad influence on teenage girls, with its 'don't go to bed with anyone unless he has proven that he loves you' message. And then Stephenie Meyer takes that trust, uses it to get your address and credit card numbers, and then breaks into your house and poisons your dog.

Long story short: Bella gets pregnant. It goes downhill from there.

After a bunch of vampire/werewolf crap that nobody cares about, Jacob, Edward and Edward's sister all gather around Bella waiting for Edward's doctor father to return so that he can help her birth the fast-growing demon spawn. Bella has one [fetching] job, which is to not mess up until the doctor arrives. Being an adorably klutzy flawed heroine, she can't manage it. She trips on her way to the bathroom, and the reader is treated to the sound of the placenta displacing (a 'muffled ripping sound'--thanks for the image, Meyer) and a description of Bella's bladder releasing, racehorse-like urine flowing down her legs and onto the floor and - oh wait, this is a Stephenie Meyer novel, so the heroine only does more delicate things. Like 'vomiting a fountain of blood'. No, we didn't make that part up.

With the baby suffocating, Edward & Co. decide to perform a vampire cesarean. Jacob takes some time off to write down 'Vampire Cesarean' as a possible future name for his punk band, and then races to Bella's side in time to hear her spine break.

Once again, we are not making this up.

Another shattering crack inside her body, the loudest yet... Her legs, which had been curled up in agony, now went limp, sprawling out in an unnatural way.

"Her spine," he choked in horror.

It's only implied, but we like to think Edward tries to cheer Bella up about the whole paralysis thing by saying 'Hey girl, at least we don't need an epidural!' Bella gurgles some more, and Jacob takes some time out of the birthing to randomly beat up Edward's sister. That's just how Jacob rolls. At some point, Edward rips open Bella's uterus and delivers the baby.

He rips open her uterus.

With his teeth.

Then stabs her with a vampire venom-filled syringe.

At this point the reader is filled with something not unlike calm relief. At least nothing, nothing in the world, could be more disturbing than this. Except, like, quasi-child porn or something. Luckily, of course, that would be entirely--

Then Jacob falls madly in love with the newborn baby girl.

No, we don't mean in the sense of 'Oh, I fell in love with that kitten the moment I saw it'. We mean in love love. Really, what we're trying to say--and let us know if you don't understand--is that Jacob the borderline rapist and the tiny baby vampire chest-burster are going to get married and have babies.

What Jacob did, Meyer explains, was "imprint" on the baby. Imprinting, in the Twilight universe, is what happens when a werewolf finds his soulmate. It means that the two of them are now destined to be together, no matter what. What if the girl is unwilling at first? Too bad, because she isn't any more! It's the psychic equivalent of GHB.

We must have misunderstood, though, because we found this quote from the author:

"They ended up being vampires in the way they are because I have strong opinions on free will. No matter what position you're in, you always have a choice. So I had these characters who were in a position where traditionally they would have been the bad guys, but, instead, they chose to be something different-a theme that has always been important to me."

Apparently Jacob is choosing to be a pedophile.

Meanwhile, newly de-babied Bella wakes up and describes being a vampire, which to us sounds an awful lot like being on shrooms.

"The brilliant light overhead was still blinding-bright, and yet I could plainly see the glowing strands of the filaments inside the bulb. I could see each color of the rainbow in the white light, and, at the very edge of the spectrum, an eighth color I had no name for. Behind the light, I could distinguish the individual grains in the dark wood ceiling above. In front of it, I could see the dust motes in the air, the sides the light touched, and the dark sides, distinct and separate. They spun like little planets, moving around each other in a celestial dance."

She then stared at her hands for forty minutes and announced "The real person is like, beneath the skin, dude."

Then there is explicit vampire sex. Well, not really, of course, because it's Twilight. We do, though, get the next 300 pages of sparkly boredom briefly livened up by Edward's brother Emmett implying that Edward is unable to satisfy his new wife. Edward reacts to this by playing the piano and wearing khakis, because that proves that he's straight.

Meanwhile, Bella has been transformed into the most beautifulest sparkly vampire lady ever omg!!!11! Everyone comments on how beautiful she's become, because just when you thought this book was already its own fan-fiction the author changes her Mary Sue character into a... well, we're not even sure where you go from there. Also, Bella names her child Renesmee, after her mother Rene and Edward's "mother" Esmee. Renesmee immediately sets out to be one of the creepiest things ever, and it's only made worse when everyone talks about how perfect she is.

Originally the Cullens are afraid that Vampire Bella will escape and eat people, but she proves to be remarkably compassionate and able to control herself more than any vampire ever because she is a special snowflake. Also on her first "hunt" she wears a cocktail dress, and she is able to do that because it is sexy and she is so in control of herself and totally not klutzy. We guess characters don't have to be flawed to be interesting, then, although we wouldn't know because we started falling asleep at about this point.

Anyway, Jacob is left to take care of the creepy daughter while Edward and Bella just run around and do whatever. Bella is furious when she finds out that he's nicknamed the little monster "Nessie", which we think is actually a really appropriate name. Bella does not seem to care that Jacob the Pedophile Date Rapist Werewolf is babysitting the Little Loch Ness Monster Vampire Baby from Hell.

Finally something happens, in the form of the Italian Vampire Mafia from the second book swooping down in order to kill the vampire baby and its family. SURPRISE! Curiously, although one of the vampires actually mentions the fact that modern weapons are effective against immortals, the Cullens forego stocking up on rocket launchers and instead decide to take a stand using only their vicious vampire fangs as weapons.

Oh, wait.

At this point, Edward's cooler siblings Alice and Jasper are like 'WTF, we are OUT of here' and run away to start a new life. The remaining vampires team up with the pedowolves for a glorious, bloody fight against the evil powers of vampire oppression, a vampiredammerung that lasts hundreds of pages and puts the most epic of Tolkien battles to blushing shame.

As well it should, because a lot of the vampires have special powers, like the X-Men. We know, you didn't think this story was going to be awesome, and you're so wrong, because--

The Cullens sit down with the Mafia Vampires and talk about their feelings for a while. The Mafia back down without a fight and head back to Anne Rice land, and Edward and Bella kiss. Also, Jacob has made Renesmee a bracelet. Did we mention that Renesmee somehow is going to grow rapidly to seventeen and then stop growing? Jacob is going to marry her, and she will be permanently underage.

[What the heck], Meyer.

Book Five: Midnight Sun (unreleased)

Midnight Sun is Twilight, but told from Edward's point of view. It's a disappointment. Not so much because it's bad, but because you find out exactly how many times Bella was close to being eaten. Also because of the breaking-into-her-room-every-night-to-watch-her-sleep-without-her-knowing thing. And you thought we were joking about the stalking.

Several other interesting things revealed in Midnight Sun:

* Edward's brother Jasper is actually a barely restrained killing machine who several times offers to kill Bella simply because she's bothering Edward. He therefore gets about four lines before we go back to Edward playing his piano.
* Up until he fell in love with Bella, Edward's sister Rosalie thought that he 'wasn't interested in girls at all'. So did we, Rosalie. So did we.
* Edward is fascinated by Bella because he can't read her thoughts. This phenomenom is apparently genetic, because Edward can't hear her father Charlie's thoughts either. Rumors of a future book involving a forbidden Edward/Charlie romance are so far unconfirmed.

Apart from this, the most interesting thing about the book is that the word 'chagrin' is used once every 29.3 pages. This record is broken only by Stephenie Meyer's latest book, released in April 2009 and entitled simply 'Chagrin Topaz Sparkles'.

Controversies

Alleged Sexism

Stephenie Meyer, the series' author, has been criticized for her portrayal of a weak, helpless female lead who falls madly in love with a man who wants to kill her. Others disagree and claim that the relationship has fair precedent, citing the common practice of marriages to incarcerated serial killers and the notorious original ending to the movie Terminator. This idea has been backed up by legions of the books' fans, prompting others of the female persuasion to attempt to forcibly remove their extra X chromosome.

Robert Pattinson

Unaware of the popularity of the book series or the insanity of its fanbase, the young actor signed on to play Edward Cullen in a three-movie contract deal in order to hit on to the lead actress. When he found out his mistake, Pattinson took to insulting the book and its author in interviews and appearing in public after long periods of not showering in order to avoid his fans. Of course, this didn't work. There is widespread speculation as to what Pattinson will try next, including possibly gaining 200 pounds and smearing his face with human excrement. We assume that Pattinson's agents are currently negotiating a deviation from the book in the second movie, in which Edward Cullen is unexpectedly killed by Lord Voldemort.

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http://www.cracked.com/funny-36-twilight/

The Quote Board:

2009-10-27T22:04:00.009-07:00

Quotes taken from friends and various forms of media that I just love. Enjoy.

"Friendly and humanitarian
Honest and loyal
Original and inventive
Independent and intellectual"

"You are a naughty word!" - Jen Nordyke

"Don't play me like I don't know you and what you're capable of." - Taylor Nuttall in ref to our Scrabble game.

"I'm not going to let you bust my bubble with facts and knowledge." - Dale Friesen "My grammar isnt sucks." "well you mind his mind and I'll drive 26 hours and take care of his behaviour." "I am respectful, but it's not something I "be""

[Dedicated photographers] make luck a consistent part of their work by being at the right place at the right moment, being technically proficient and able to anticipate, translate and use the light to their purposes. - paraphrase of a statement by Galen Rowell

"Humility is the realization that not everything that happens in life is all about you." - Rabbi Kushner

"Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is no longer an option." - PJ O'Rourke

"Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength" - Eric Hoffer

"Is not general incivility the very essence of love?" - Jane Austen

"Charrrred fing-aaahhs" - Crow T. Robot, MST3K's "Manos, Hands of Fate"

"Learning doesn't always feel good." - Dr. Lebec

"I look at patients like a campsite....I leave them exactly the way I found them." - Dr. Warren

"I believe the best test of our integrity and honesty is when we personally enforce in our own lives that which ultimately cannot be enforced." - David A. Bednar

"Is it bad if you can't see?" - Holly calling me after her..."accident"

"Hey, we're not baking cookies, coach." - PJ Rovinelli

"I read about it on the internet" - one of Dylan Westfall's main modes of information.

"Yeah, if it works, it works really well, but if it doesn't, then you end up playing with two sticks." - Dylan Westfall

"I didn't get shot, the bullet just ended up there. Why do you laugh? I bet McPOIL doesn't have stories about getting shot!" - Dr. Warren

"Hey, just out of curiosity, were you ever shot?" Kate to Dr. McPoil

"It's old. Old, old, old. It's got pillars and old things" - Dr. Warren describing Johns Hopkins.

"Life's good, huh?" - McPoil

"It's a cute little muscle" - Dr. Cornwall

"He's not a world class athlete like the cameraman." - Dr. DeRosa covering for Jim Porterfield

"Logic says..." - McKenzie via DeRosa

"Walking has been associated with social acceptance" - Dr. Carter

"That stuff takes so long! It leaves you standing in the bathroom, naked, with nothing to do." - Holly Goodman, venting about a special shampoo.

"Oxygen delivery is the delivery of oxygen" - Dr. Warren

"then we made out like bandits because bandits make out a lot with each other in a very banditly fashion. yeah add that one to your quote wall[!]" - James Taylor

"I don't really feel like teaching yet, so I'll ease you into this story." - Dr. Lebec

"And by 'we', I mean me and the slide." - Dr. Ganley

"And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once." - Friedrich Nietzsche.

Jen: "Seriously... today she call me out of the blue this was our conversation..."
Kate: (laughs)
Jen:
"Hello.
Jen, it's me Lilly.
Hi Lilly
I love you jen
I love you too Lilly
Jen please come to my house tomorrow.
I can't I have to work
I'm more important so you need to"
Kate: (laughs even more)
"I think that should be one of our conversaitons."
Jen: "For sure!!!
Hello?
Kate it's me jen
Hi jen
Please come to my house soon
I have to work
Kate I'm more important please come!"

Dr. Lydgate: "If I could reveal something about the primitive tissue that underlies all life - you, me, a song thrush, Rosamond Vincy - that's what excites me, Farebrother."
Farebrother: "Have you told her this?"
Dr. Lydgate: "Oh no, of course not, she's a woman." - From George Eliot's "Middlemarch"

"I keel you!" - Ahkmed

"That's just my style - JAAAZZZYYYYYY" - Jake Lashot...

Direct transcript of an exchange I recently had with Sean Varga who was calming a 6 wk old child:

Kate: has he been fed? diaper changed? have you tried walking him?
Sean: yep....in law gave t[o] me because everything else failled
Kate: when's his bed time?
Sean: he won't sleep. he woke up from bed time, and is now thinking me as one to lactate. that feels weird"

"sick! wallpaper is satins way of adding sin to walls.
wall papers= eternal damnation" - Mo.

"Sometimes, there are things that aren't meant to be explained by words and reasoning, but are felt and understood just the same."

"Intelligence isn't a crime, it's a gift with a heavy price."

"Mark Twain said, 'the height of vanity is to try to write before you have ever lived', it is very refreshing, for me, to have a moment with someone that is not afraid to do both." - Brian, a photography acquaintance

"One day you will find someone to love you as you deserve." - Lady Russell from the new BBC version of "Persuasion"

"I'm mentally obese..." H. Nathan Hoffman
"Did you notice I'm balancing on the ball? That's provocative. Think about it."

"So I was like...hey..." - Megan Garcia

"But you tell me if he mistreats you in any way!! 'cause his ass will be grass!!" - Melissa Arizola

"Kate, just because there is a goalie, doesn't mean you can't score. ;-)" - JJ Campbell

"The Red Wings are the New York Yankees of hockey. I hate them" - Dale Friesen

"Really, mother, banana pudding without vanilla waffers is just another of your culinary abortions [pushes the bowl off his high chair] Now clean that up." - Stewie from Family Guy.

"Well ain't this place just a geographical oddity - two weeks from everywhere" - O Brother, Where Art Thou

Reminiscence

2009-10-25T00:41:00.011-07:00

I was recently conversing with a friend about her particular situation with the men in her life and something she said struck me in an odd way. In reference to the favorite of her "options," as she termed it, she quite flatly said "I know he'll break my heart" because of what she sensed as indifference toward her emanating from him. I honestly didn't know how to respond to her declaration (I mean, I'm a hopeful/optimistic person, and for her sake I wanted to be reassuring). It was one of those weird situations, I guess, where you have to be the individual in question in order to fully understand the whole issue, and I got the sense that she truly meant what she said. It broke my own heart to a small degree as the gravity of the scene sunk in, somehow causing my temporal lobe to remind me of the first time my heart was broken by a boy I loved. (And also by strange happenstance, "Un bel di vedremo" from Madame Butterfly just popped up on my playlist - how appropo).

No... you read that right - I did truly love once. Yes, it may be hard to believe coming from a virgin-lipped 25 yr old, but physical displays of affection aren't necessarily indicative of what's occurring between two people. Not going to lie, it'd be nice, but not requisite. I was young, about 18...and I was lead down a wonderful, yet torturous path that taught me a great deal about myself that I never thought possible. Even now, it still pangs a little, but the sting and throb have long since subsided and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I guess if I had to say something to my friend, in retrospect, it would be, "Be brave." The joys and pains from the attachments we make in this life are special, as they teach us, mold and refine us. They concurrently show us our frailties and our strengths, and the true power of that crazy little thing called Love. A newly broken heart is an oddly useful thing, as I sit here and reminisce about it. Yes, it's painful, horrid, and dirty, but it's the badge of honor worn by those unafraid to give of themselves, dedicated to a cause they were truly invested in.

I wish I could say that I'm always fearless when I approach new potential relationships now, but even though I can't (yes, I still get scared, second-guess myself and HIM, go through brief flares of jealous anger followed by quiet self-reproach, the whole gambit), I know that wounds do heal and that with each "failure" comes a rededication to a cause higher than oneself.

Hm...

Maybe I should have my heart broken more regularly....

The Struggle of Modesty

2009-10-13T01:13:00.005-07:00

Modesty is a topic that I don't think is ever given the consideration it deserves. Honestly, when you think of modesty, I dare someone to please tell me their thoughts include MORE than just long-length clothing. As with most things, there's a spirit of the law in addition to the letter of the law, which I believe stems from love.

If you love yourself, you'll respect yourself. Respect for self doesn't involved wearing the least amount of fabric possible, yes, but moving past that, it takes in thought, word, and action. (And I'll ask you to think a little broader than the common defininition of "humble"). It sends a clarion call for a higher degree of propriety from the individual, to be exhibited by respect for self, others, and social decency.

This post will remain brief for the time being, but clothing is just the beginning, my friends. Like most things superficially simple, underneath extends a labyrinth of deeper considerations and effects. So ponder on that, and in the mean time, let me know your thoughts, both con as well as pro.

Face time

2009-10-04T19:25:00.002-07:00

I was planning on musing about modesty this week, but in light of recent events, all I shall say is this.

Life is too short to live by pretenses. You know you've been thinking about calling someone, be it a loved one or a friend... just call them this week. Genuine love and caring, regardless of whether or not you think it's awkward, is still genuine love and caring.

It doesn't matter. Yeah, they may chide or ridicule you, but it'll be better than if you didn't call at all. I promise.

Much lub this week =)

The Joys of Horsemanship

2009-10-01T23:03:00.004-07:00

Recently I noticed a friend of mine's Facebook status that mentioned she had recently gone horseback riding and how good it felt to be back in the saddle. I was jealous. Enviously jealous. I love riding and it's been about 2 years since I've been in the saddle myself and I miss it dearly. But it got me thinking about riding and all of the benefits that come from it. Although, in the immortal words of my friend, Brad Fox, "But I can do ____ and get the same result and it's so much easier," there is a bit of an expense but if you look across the time v. money spectrum, you'd be hard pressed to find something that didn't "cost" you something somewhere.

Riding is a terrific activity for people of all ages, whether you dream of competing for an international dressage title, intercollegiate equestrian teams, showing locally, or are content with the recreational aspects. It goes without question, though, that the horse is one of the main athletic competitors in the ring. However, just as a pitcher and catcher create an indispensable “battery unit” in baseball, the same goes for a horse and his rider in equestrian events. One cannot perform properly without the other, especially when the fitness of both parties is involved. While the physical condition of the horse is specifically focused upon for obvious reasons, the training of a rider in preparation to exercise, practice, and compete must not be overlooked.

The especial unity of horse and rider depends on both being alert and prepared. An integrally important part of that preparation stems from being physically fit. Beginning riders will note (and more experienced ones will fondly remember) this, particularly after leaving the stables with sore thighs and rears from trying to maintain a sitting trot or the initial awkwardness of the posting rhythm.

Here are a few suggestions to develop physical fitness:

At the base of any fitness program is the need for energy. Just as a sluggish mount hinders the workout and learning process, so will a sluggish horseman, and thus a proper nutrition regiment must be implemented. Physicians, dietitians, the U.S Food and Drug Administration (http://www.fda.gov) and the recently redeveloped U.S. Department of Agriculture’s food pyramids (http://www.mypyramid.gov) are extremely helpful in outlining individual nutritional needs.

Good flexibility is needed when performing any athletic activity (equestrian included). Flexibility aids in preventing injuries to joint capsules and muscle strains when doing sudden, forceful motions. This is especially true in mounting in regards to the knee joint, as well the hamstring, quadricep, and calf muscles in providing the ability to create more power and ease when pulling up into the saddle. Increasing flexibility thru slow, sustained stretching reduces the frequency and likelihood of strained muscles and some knee problems that may develop. It is important to note that stretching proves most beneficial when performed after a brief, proper warm-up.

Muscular strength plays an important role when doing such activities as mounting, posting, and balancing and stabilizing on stirrups and a moving horse. Yes, gripping the saddle can help in some circumstances, but muscles are the main workers. Strength is the ability to exert a force, and is accomplished through contraction of muscle tissue. The types of muscle contractions involved with equestrian activities are concentric (actively shortening of the muscle), eccentric (actively lengthening of the muscle), and isometric (actively contracting without movement). Concentric and eccentric contractions are examples of what happens in muscles during posting and isometric contractions help with stabilization. Strength training increases lean body mass (muscle, organs, water, bones, essential fat, etc), and increases the working potential of muscles. Fundamentally, muscular strength has its foundations in core exercises, such as bench press and power cleans, and fine-tuned with supplementary exercises, such as sit-ups and inner thigh (adductor) cross overs.

While working on core exercises, though, it is important for riders to develop their core stability to aid in not only their strength workout, but more so to aid in dynamic balancing and posture while on horseback. The core of the body, defined as the lumbo-pelvic-hip complex, is considered to be where our center of gravity resides, and where most body movements begin. A strong, but flexible core gives the body a more balanced dynamic base from which to draw its movements, ergo why it’s critical for riders to develop and improve it. Basic core stabilizing exercises can be accomplished with and without a medicine ball. A medicine ball is good to have to improve dynamic muscle stabilization, and increase the reaction of muscle contractions to help offset impending imbalance if exercises are performed properly.

In addition to muscular strength and core stability, muscular endurance is another factor that is an essential part of riding fitness. Endurance is the ability to exert a force for a given period of time. When posting for a long period of time, holding any position on horseback, or balancing on a long canter requires muscular endurance and likewise an efficient recovery system from the effects of endurance bouts. There are three kinds of endurance: speed-explosive, anaerobic (work without oxygen), and aerobic (work with oxygen). Anaerobic and aerobic endurance are the two most utilized in equestrian activities.

It is suggested that endurance be developed through a building block approach, improving aerobic endurance and then improving anaerobic. Reasons for this are that by increasing the amount of energy produced from aerobic systems in the body, anaerobic energy (quick energy) is conserved, aerobic energy systems recover anaerobic energy systems used during anaerobic activity, put off the onset of effects produced by lactic acid, and aerobic training may reduce the chances of connective tissue injury, on or off the saddle. Aerobic endurance is not heavily used in equestrian activities and may be achieved through swimming, running, biking, elliptical machines for at least 20 minutes or longer at 70-80% of maximum heart rate – in this instance, it may be useful to obtain a heart rate monitor. Anaerobic endurance may be developed through repetitions and sets of wall sits, running sprints, and lengths of posting while trotting.

While these are a few suggestions to help improve riding performance, there are a few more to take into consideration. Be sure to consult a physician before engaging in this kind of physical development activity – he will be able to help you with where to start, give nutrition cousel, and notify you of any health restrictions and/or precautions. Likewise, he may give ideas of exercises and proper instruction as to how to perform them for strength training, muscular endurance, and core stability. A physician may also refer to a physical therapist, athletic trainer, personal trainer, or any other appropriate professionals to give more complete help with these aspects, especially with the youth and senior participants, as their specifications and requirements are slightly different.

It’s apparent that there’s much to be said about physical fitness, even in the rider’s realm. Good luck and enjoy developing the skills and techniques of riding. Be astute, and have fun.

Forest for the Saplings

2009-09-17T22:06:00.014-07:00

My mother told me a story today about a 3rd grade class at her school who I find myself wanting very much to meet. They read a story this year about a girl who was half-Caucasian and half-Native American that introduced the children to what life is like where traditions and social norms have been upset. I wasn't given particulars of the story, but the only thing the girl has in her possession is her "sack of promises", which consists of memories and items that mean something to her, that define who she is and where she comes from.

The teacher of this 3rd grade class challenged her students to go home and bring back their own sacks of promises (items that mean something to them, the 6 or so things that they'd take from a burning house, etc). The teacher was tentative secondary to her experience with this assignment with her class last year, who brought in more banal items, like candy, etc. However, this current group of children surprised her.

One student, who my mother described as "ADHD to the max", pulled a flower from his sack. As he pondered it in his hands, he told of a time when he was in a field filled with blossoms. Twirling it between his fingers, he went on to explain that this flower meant something to him because it was the only one of its kind, and it reminded him that, like this flower, he was an individual.

Another student's sack contained two coins, one foreign and the other domestic. The first coin was from Uzbekistan, reminding him of the place he was born and the orphanage he was from. The second coin was from the US, representative of the opportunities that he now has available to him.

And those were just two.

All I could think as my mother related this to me was "How amazing..." My mind immediately began to light up and I became excited for this group of students who have such insights into themselves and humanity at such an age. It's been a long time since I've come across a young one which such an awareness, and it refreshes me. Now all I have to do is hope and pray they don't lose this ability to see the forest beyond the trees.

The Inconvenience of Independence?

2009-08-30T23:12:00.007-07:00

I had an argument with my mother today (not surprising) about my long term plan for my life: where I was going to work, where I was going to live, and the like. In all seriousness, it was a reprise of the grilling I got from my Dad and oldest brother on said brother's birthday some 7 weeks ago. I reminded her I was only in my 3rd week of my first rotation, but that didn't matter. I failed to get across to her that I hadn't the slightest where I was going to work because I didn't really KNOW what kind of therapy I wanted to practice, other than I knew I didn't want to work in Acute Care for at least the first 3 years of my career. After some further repartee, I started to get really frustrated, and I mean really frustrated with her. She wanted a definitive answer, and I didn't have one for her, which ALWAYS leads her to pontificating about what I need to do. I love my mother, but I'm 25 years old, I've lived on my own for 7 years, I've battled sexist bigots, 6 PT schools and their interviews without her holding my hand and that's just the short list.

In the end, she subtly let me in on what was really bothering her - she felt out of the loop in my life. "You don't communicate with me," she said and I pertly responded, still carrying over from being cornered about the whole thing, "Why do I need to about this?" She knows I'm independent and exactly how independent I am, and I think that kind of scared her a little. What kind of gets me more is the potential sense she was emanating that I wouldn't her in my life down the road. Yes, I am very independent in many ways and I have skills that would allow me to pick up and move anywhere, settle in, and be just fine. But now, after this afternoon, I find that I'm asking myself, is it worth it to be this self-sufficient?

Finding the balance between including/excluding my family in my life is obviously delicate. I love my family, but over the course of my life, I've learned to adapt to situations where I don't have the safe haven of others to fight my battles - and it's not that I wanted it that way, it just happened. Some people tell their mother everything, but much like me, my mom has the answer to everything (shocker, I know), correct answers, mind you, and being essentially the same person as my mother, I don't like being preached to about something I already know. So, in order to prevent the broken record from playing, I've learned to become selective in what I tell her. (Oh, the beauty of learned habits).

However, the connection between us has made her aware of this, and as a result, she feels like she is not needed. One central trait my mother and I share - we need to be needed. We define ourselves and our worth by our service to others and when one creation of ours doesn't check in as often as the others do.... you get the picture. In some ways, it almost makes me wish I wasn't as independent as I am, but I can't shake the indispensable nature it has in my life. It has defined who I am, it is my buffer, my drive, and most importantly, to me, it is my justification. I hate being accused of doing/saying/thinking/feeling something because someone else told me to, or because it was expected of me - you really don't know how it irritates me.

My thirst for self-sufficiency fulfills some sort of innate need I have to be considered my own person... but is it worth the expense of alienating those I love? The logical answer would be no, but at this particular crossroad, I don't have a firm resolution. As much as we joke about other people who have stronger umbilical cords still attached to their family, how are we any different? There will always be a need to share what we feel is important with the ones we love - I guess we just need to resynchronize on what's important for each other to know...

Government Subsidized Medicine

2009-08-13T00:26:00.003-07:00

I'll make this short, sweet and to the point. If you're still doubting what a more global picture of health care subsidized by the Federal Government is like, look at the V.A. Hospitals and Indian Health Services. For the most part, the only good found there come from the people who actually care about their jobs enough to fight the red tape and go beyond what their tax-payer salaries offer them.

I rest my case.

Last time I checked, we all bleed red blood.

2009-07-30T12:05:00.021-07:00

While earning my undergraduate degree, I took a class on interpersonal relations. During one lecture, our professor taught us that there are as many as 8 different kinds of love. There is obviously romantic love, but there is also pragmatic love, egocentric love, platonic love, altruistic love, companionate love, manic love, and so forth. Today, however, I’d like to discuss with you about the kind of love that encompasses, supercedes and moderates all of those - the kind of love that is intended in Moses 7:33, where Heavenly Father says to Enoch,

“And unto thy brethren have I said, and also given commandment, that they should love one another, and they should choose me, their Father;”

This direction, which is the same that is described in Matthew 22:36-40, Luke 10:25-27, and again in Mosiah 4:15, represents the purest, fullest, and truest form of love that is able to be learned – Godly love, the love a Creator has for the workmanship of His hand.

The scriptures are replete with examples of Godly love. In the New Testament, the Savior identifies that the first and greatest thing we can do is to wholly love our Father in Heaven, or, in other words, to “choose” Him. And the next best thing we can do, which will help us to attain eternal life if practiced earnestly, is to love one another. Why is this significant? The Lord gives us the answer in Matthew 22:40:

“On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.”

How true this is, especially when we look at our purpose here in this life. Before we came to Earth, we were spirits who lived with our Heavenly Parents and when we expressed a desire to be like our Heavenly Father, He developed a plan that would allow us to become exactly as he is (to have gained a body of flesh and bone, to have the knowledge and power that he has, to be immortal and to have chosen to do so.). Our time in this mortal existence would be our classroom and proving ground, for which a syllabus would be provided to guide our choices and to ensure the appropriate learning had occurred. To put all in this in place and to enact it took Godly love from Heavenly Father and the Savior, and it is upon the principle of that love the laws given to man were founded. It is this same love, and all its subtypes we are here to learn. So, how does all the law hang on these two commandments? How are they so all encompassing?

Let’s look at what he says first: Choosing the Father

A true love of God precipitates a man’s faith in his Creator, by way of trust, obedience, and hope. A man’s faith in a loving, literal Heavenly Father is a daily choice, brought about by way of honoring what God has asked him to do, as well as by much study, meditation, prayer, humility, and believing, which is answered by God through blessings, and the great teacher and revelator, the Holy Ghost. As a man continues in this fashion, he increases in truth, knowledge, and light; he weathers life’s tests more readily. As he seeks to understand the divine outline Heavenly Father has for him, his relationship with God becomes more individual, personal and reverenced, thus increasing in love and the cycle continues in this way. I believe the key here is the obedience that comes from this love.

Now, let’s look at the second component: Loving One Another

Love can be defined as unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another. If this is so, then the Savior’s love for us is truly perfect. In 3 Nephi 27:27 as well as in Matthew5:48, we are commanded to become as he is, and invited to live the Higher Law. In order for that to happen, we must learn to love as He loves, for love is the only thing strong enough to allow us to forgive when an offence has occurred; to endear the less fortunate to us, to render us patience, to allow us to hope, to feed our faith, and to bind us together as families through any number of disagreements and joys. This is evidenced by our baptismal covenants, found Mosiah 18: 8-9, to which we are bound to uphold if we want to gain eternal life:

“8…willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;

9. Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.”

Learning to love people we don’t have an attachment to is hard, I’m not going to lie, but it will come with time the more you actually practice it, whether you feel love beyond yourself or not. Allow me to cite two examples.

When I was little, my parents had my brothers and I involved in doing what my mother called “good works.” These good works ranged from staying after every church activity to help clean up, showing up to every Young Women’s service project, making meals for new mothers or post-op recoverers, volunteering at the hospital, you name it, we did it. For the longest time, I never fully understood why we were (or at least what I thought) guilted, or trapped into doing these things; I just assumed we were doing it because no one else was going to do it. However, helping out became a habit, and as years passed and I matured, I learned through trial, error, and many hours of long suffering what it was to fill a need.

Example #2. When my oldest brother was in medical school, he’d often complain about the types of people he’d see during his rotations (the biggest patient population that my mother and I would tease him about was pediatrics, because he felt like he couldn’t talk to them intelligently. Now, you have to understand, if you’ve ever seen the TV show “Frazier”, my brother is Niles Crane.). My family and I subsequently took it upon ourselves to educate him during his early medical training on what it mean to truly be a doctor: that it extends beyond the science. Mind you, my brother isn’t an unfeeling individual at all, he has a very big heart, but it needed some higher education, if you will. Fast-forward a few years. During his residency, he related two experiences that signaled to me that he had progressed, and had, in my opinion, grown as a physician.

The first experience, he called me at the end of one day to tell me that I’d be proud of him. Naturally, I was curious. He proceeded to explain to me that he had just gotten off a night shift in the care units where he had gone in and checked in on every single one of his patients personally, turning off their televisions and room lights as he left so they could sleep. To one patient in particularly, he read aloud a small stack of cards they had received in the mail before turning out the lights. The second experience, he emailed me last year after working a shift at the children’s hospital with a little story of a little girl who had to get an MRI:

A little present for you - I was working in the MRI scanner today and took care of a little 9 y/o girl who came in for a repeat MRI brain for evaluation of her seizure disorder. What made me think of you today was the little girl came in clutching a stuffed saber-toothed tiger in her arms [much like yours]. She looked very cute with it and I promised her her tiger would be with her throughout the scan even though she'd be under general anesthesia. Since the tiger itself contained no metal, this wasn't a problem. The scene was so memorable that I had to [tell] you…the little girl under general inside, and the readily identifiable tail of her stuffed saber-toothed tiger lying on top while she went through the study. Don't let it ever be said that I don't have a soft spot.

I told my brother the same thing after each of these experiences, “Now you know what it means to be a doctor.”

What my brother and I had were a change and a progression of heart. We began to feel love for those we barely knew because we then began to see them more as our Father and Savior saw them: as our brothers and sisters, regardless of race, religion, creed, body type, hair color, financial status, or orientation. As Elder M. Russell Ballard stated in a talk from the April 2001 Conference, “…a doctrine of inclusion…That is what we believe…If we are truly disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ, we will reach out with love and understanding to all of our neighbors at all times.” As my mother always said, “We all bleed red blood.”

It really is wonderful how simple the Gospel really is. If you truly love your Father in Heaven, as well as your neighbor, then you’ll do everything that needs to be done in order to return to live with God. With love, we become increasingly concerned, as Enoch did, for the welfare of that co-worker, the woman who sits next to us on the bus, or the man at the grocer. As we more fully reconcile ourselves to Heavenly Father’s plan, the more we’ll want to share it with others, be it those who we see in this chapel from week to week, or those whom we have yet to. I guess the Beatles were on the right track when they said “All you need is love.” Now, to echo the Savior at the end of the parable of the Good Samaritan, I challenge you to “go, and do likewise.”

To this I add my testimony...

You are 16, going on...90.... =)

2009-07-19T21:48:00.004-07:00

There are days I wish I could be as immortal with a pen and paper as Jane Austen, regardless of the life she led that created her stories. At any rate, I recently returned from a celebration of life that prompted some of her words to my mind:

"What a pleasant life might be had in this world
by a handsome, sensible old lady of good fortune,
blessed with a sound constitution and a firm will!"

As you're probably suspecting, yes, the life I celebrated is my grandmother's, who turned 90 this past weekend and is going amazingly strong. Indeed, her's is a life to be celebrated, especially when you look at the progeny she's produced. We're small compared to some families, but we love each other and there's never a short of laughter when her children get together. We all have our stories, which end up being a part of her's, and one can imagine how lengthy that can get with each year that goes by.

Some Nutritious "Food For Thought" for the Gym-goer

2009-07-08T14:11:00.014-07:00

My remarks for this most recent pearl of wisdom stemmed from a couple of different incidents molding together. I finally got myself back into a formal strength training program after being on hiatus for about 3 months (ah ah ah...doesn't mean I wasn't running around. Remember, exercise is the meaningful execution of preplanned and purposeful physical activity) when I realized I was only about 6 weeks away from my first internship and I needed to get some hypertrophy going if i was going to be of any use to my future patients (first internship is in outpatient neuro rehab - very taxing). So I wandered down to the health club, which is in a fairly affluent area and on my way in, as well as while taking inventory of what this place really had to offer, I saw a decent amount of people who were interested in their health. Lots of people, biking, running, playing basketball, lifting, etc., but knowing these white collar types, a thought instaneously flashed through my head - what does he have need to be that big for? - as I passed by one gentleman. Very prejudicial, I know, but I can't help it - first impressions were always snap and uncontrollable with me.

After my 30 min jog on the treadmill, I stretched out and made my way to the weight room to again assess what equipment the administration thought was necessary. Outside the weight room and above the water fountain hung pictures and credentialing of all the personal trainers (serendipitously convenient, no? These guys are good). I was happy that everyone had at least a Bachelors degree in something related (although my ears pricked after reading one girl was touted as having experience with physical therapy as a result of an internship she had, but there wasn't anything after her name to suggest she was actually a P.T.), but under one gentleman's mini CV he only had written "Fitness is a Lifestyle!" This is true, however....

(smirk) There's seems to be a lot of howevers with me, I've noticed. Some days I wish my life existed in a little more black and white instead of color. I digress. These two anecdotes overlayed something a dear friend said to me once as I was relishing in the new found power I wielded when I was selected to assist with Physical Therapy Program interviews one year: "So, what do you hope to accomplish with that question? What answer are you looking for?" Random, I know, but I do have I point.

As I worked my lower half on the leg press, I got to thinking. In this day and age of cultural norms, trends, fads, and ulterior motives, I tend to appreciate more those who have a functional, logical, and reasonable purpose for what their doing. For me, I have a functional purpose for my training - I need to be able to support, block, push, pull my patients, to perform my daily and non-daily tasks at home, as well as prevent injury when I play. And maybe the white collar folks have their reasons for living at the gym, as some truly do, but to them I ask a potentially pointed question: "To what end?" What purpose does exercising so much serve for you, and please don't tell me it's heavily based on self-image and trying to attract members of the opposite sex. While everybody's got their something, that's probably one of the worse, least self-satisfying reasons to do anything. ANYTHING. If nothing else, that kind of thinking breeds narcissism that's insanely hard to get rid of as one ages.

My solution - find a logical, meaningful purpose. If you want to protect your joints and back against age-related changes, perfect. If you want to do a triathalon, wonderful. If you want to improve your recreational rugby game, amen. If you want to be able to take care of yourself when you reach 90 y.o., fantastic. If you're diabetic or have high blood pressure and want to reduce your dependence on injected insulin or your risk of heart problems down the road, I'm sure medicare will eventually thank you, but I know your family and bank book will do so more readily. Whatever it is, please, have some depth to your resolution. In the end, the main idea is that you're active in a challenging way that makes your exercising efforts worth all the blood, sweat, tears and time.

As Jimmy Lunceford once suggested, "It ain't what you do, it's the way that you do it." Just something to think about it.

Friends At First Are Friends At Last

2009-06-15T10:40:00.000-07:00

It is truly amazing how sincere prayers/desires of the heart are answered expeditiously. I'll ease you into a story and then, if I remember, I'll tie it back in to my opening statement. I took part of an interesting discuss, today, on a topic I've had a particularly hard time with over the past two years - that of forgiveness. While I have been blessed with a relatively forgiving nature, the harsher assults tend to harbor, as I attempt to figure out the great "WHY!?": Why did this person do this? How can they think this way? etc, etc, etc. These harsher assults tend to be ones that carry more of an emotional trigger with them, one procured by what I consider a sort of emotional "broadsiding". One in particular offense I have been holding on to for 2+ years because I just could not come to terms with the fact that a professional could believe has he expressed himself, especially after I had confided in him with an open heart.

But to what end?

During the discussion I mentioned above, we looked at several examples extracted from sections of history of revered men who had rendered forgiveness to those who had sorely crossed them, at times, resulting in wrongful imprisonment and all the great and wonderful things that accompany. Barring the standard discussion of how pride is at the root of witholding forgiveness, what impressed me most in each of the examples given was how quickly forgiveness was given. It almost seemed instantly! But unless you're an anomaly, we all know how hard it is to go from anger to love instantaneously. It's near impossible for mortal man. So how can this end-picture of resolution occur?

I think the wronged had forgiven the offender long before each of the moments of truth, where the offender expressed sincere remorse to the wronged.

Granted, that's assuming the offenders even approached those they had wronged at all! While I don't have the hard numbers proving it, I am fairly confident that for as many times as there are expressions of repentance there are just as many that never hear, or ever thought they would hear, those words, "I'm sorry" in whatever shape, form, or fashion. That's all well and good. As I heard one young lady proffer during our discussion, to forgive is often more for you than it is for the someone else. I found this especially true when you think about all of the baggage that comes with harboring resentment and anger toward someone. Too much wasted energy, especially if you're just going to sit around waiting for something you think you deserve (an apology) that may take years to come, if it comes at all. Talk about being all dressed up with no where to go...

While sincere apologies are nice, they may indeed never come. Such is the situation I found myself in 2 years ago interviewing for Physical Therapy programs. I won't go into the details, but some things were said that "emotionally broadsided" me and I honestly didn't know what to say. I wrote letters to the program and the appropriate personnel with the university, however, to my knowledge, nothing came of it in the end. I was both enraged and hurt, because I was naive enough to think that with upper personnel under such scrutiny that anything like that would happen to anyone anymore, let alone me, especially in a profession known for it's good hearted people.

While I attended a different program that I came to find was the more appropriate choice for me, I gradually remembered the incident less and less, but I had never truly felt at peace with the situation. That is, until today when I had a prayer answered and I finally felt at peace for the first time in 2 years. Some would attribute it to time and how it heals all wounds, but you don't know me very well if that's your first and only conclusion. I have a very long memory.

Since April, I've been graduallly preparing myself to enter the temple to make my higher covenant with Heavenly Father, and a couple weeks ago I completed the temple preparation courses. Part of the prerequisites to enter being personal worthiness, which balances on keeping God's commandments and earnestly striving to live a Christ-like life, I knew I had to genuinely come to terms with that incident before I could even allow myself to approach my bishop for a temple recommend. There's a good brother at church who I have a hard time with on occasion who earned his graduate degree from that same university, so it just made it even more of a challenge, lol. I digress. A few days prior to the discussion I had today, I had had enough and in one aloud private conversation with my Heavenly Father, I expressed my frustration with how it's been 2 years, and why do I still have such an anger toward this problem? I didn't want to have these feelings! That was the thing - the deep-down part of me wanted to get past it all (it sees the greater perspective in all things, I swear it does), but the more superficial part of me still occasionally clung.

Today, in many respects in thanks to the lesson I received on forgiveness, I finally got myself under control. It doesn't matter if I ever get an apology or not - quite frankly, I don't expect one. What's done is done, and I harbor no ill-will.

Requesting assistance

2009-06-02T13:05:00.004-07:00

My local chapter of the American Physical Therapy Association is holding a silent auction in a few months to raise money for their scholarship fund and have sent out the letter requesting donations. I sent a cursory email, describing my hobby and asking if they'd be interested in a piece. They responded in the affirmative, and now I'm left with the task of deciding which piece(s) to have matted and framed. My mother was absolutely no help, I'm self-conscious and biased, so I'm turning to you, my critics for assistance.

I'm currently toying with three that seem to stick out in my mind, but I need your help weighting in on if what I'm thinking are globally plausible choices or if I should consider something else. I appreciate all comments you have to proffer (and I do mean all). Presently, I have:

...and...

If you'd like to see what the other options are, visit http://sportygirl4114.deviantart.com/gallery/

By the way, if any of you are interested in donating a piece to help future healers of the world, you're more than welcome. Just comment with an appropriate email address and I will send you the email address of the lady organizing the collections.

Cheers!

Ownership

2009-05-17T23:04:00.006-07:00

I was recently reading a summary of a biography of Dr. Albert Schweitzer. If you don't know who that is, that's just fine - you're probably my age with parents that aren't as old as mine nor are they in the medical field ( my mother told me about him ). Schweitzer was an individual of deep-rooted spirituality, whose life was dedicated to service - most notably his hospital in West Africa, where he eventually died. He was fueled by the sense "...that we must not regard our lives as belonging to ourselves alone."

...interesting thought... why not?

The Shaft

2009-05-04T19:58:00.011-07:00

Why do we place so much pressure on young men in today's culture to date when they may very well not want to? I've thought about this recently since spring has descended upon us - everyone comes out of hibernation and LO! the opposite sex never looked so good and summer relationships are beginning to take hold. With this recent resurgence of courting, especially when held against the contemporary dating trends (or rather the falling off of them), we, as bright young women, generally tend to renew our efforts in nudging the young men of our acquaintances to get off their duffs and formally socialize with young ladies.

This is a bit cynical, but what if boys don't ask girls out simply because they don't want to? Are we really to begrudge them for not doing something that we'd normally not do as well? We tend to not go out with those who we do not already have some inkling of interest in (be it plutonic or something else favorable), or are otherwise leery of - why not allow that of the men? What if they're just not that into you? Is there some unwritten code or law of social propriety that dictates that men must date you or give you a chance? I have yet to find such a document, but as a friend suggested to me once, this lack of regulation of modern dating tactical foreplay has made dating harder and more scarce than easier.

Odd to think that things were easier when there were more rules.... but if you examine it further, if nothing is expected of you, if there's no pressure, what else other than self-motivation will push you to complete the task? In considering us in our procrastinatory comfort zones, I propose self-motivation is the only thing at this point that will save today's dating culture. Since this is the way the wind seems to be blowing, it's easier to sail with it than try to reintroduce antiquated societal courting customs that will not work with this generation.

So, is that it? Psh, H*** no! Combat by making yourself more desireable and marketable - in good and Godly ways only. I am in no way suggesting that you throw in the towel and completely start catering to the whims of the opposite sex - they're hormonally driven and as we all know, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You can't please everyone, but you can please yourself and then go out to find that puzzle piece that completes your picture.

Just... don't get offended when the boys don't ask you out....

The 21st Century Seabiscuit

2009-05-03T21:18:00.004-07:00

From my muses of prose at the NY Times, I felt this was one description of the events that actually gave some credit where credit was due (and personality to boot).

(The article may be found at this web address: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/03/sports/othersports/03derby.html)

Rob Carr/Associated Press

Jockey Calvin Borel celebrates Mine That Bird's win at the 135th Kentucky Derby at Churchill Downs on Saturday.

Mine That Bird Uses Shortest Route to Win Derby

By JOE DRAPE

Published: May 2, 2009

LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Sometimes this game brings you to tears. Sometimes it feels right to be wrong. And always it is better than O.K. when the tears streaming down your face are caused by a man in a black cowboy hat and an almost handlebar mustache, a Cajun jockey with more horse than book sense and a scrawny $9,500 gelding.
Chip Woolley, Calvin Borel and Mine That Bird, an improbable — no, impossible — 50-1 long shot, did just that Saturday, running away with the 135th running of America’s greatest race, the Kentucky Derby.

Horse racing has had some bad big days recently.

Last year, the filly Eight Belles was euthanized on the racetrack after finishing second here. When the 2006 Derby winner Barbaro broke down in the Preakness, he brought greater public attention to the sport’s safety and welfare issues. Early Saturday it appeared to be more of the same: I Want Revenge, the morning-line favorite, came up lame in his left front ankle and was scratched.

By 6:30 p.m., when Mine That Bird squirted through a hole in the rail and skipped from the muddy track into the lane all alone, the 153,563 at Churchill Downs checked their programs to see who the heck the No. 8 horse was.

By that time, Borel and this horse he hardly knew were on their way to the winner’s circle for the blanket of roses. In 2007, after Borel guided Street Sense to a Derby victory with a similar rail-skimming, last-to-first trip, the nation was introduced to this humble, emotional man with a grade-school education and a Ph.D-sized heart. Borel, in turn, was introduced to Queen Elizabeth II at a White House state dinner.

As soon as Mine That Bird crossed the finish line six and a quarter lengths ahead of 18 others, Borel’s tears flowed with the warmth and power of Niagara Falls. He patted, hugged, hollered and dripped tears on the gelding he met for the first time Monday. Finally, Borel kissed a rose and lofted it toward the heavens in honor of his late mother and father.

“I wish my mother and father were here to see what I have accomplished in my life,” he said an hour later, dissolving in tears once again.

While it took Mine That Bird just 2 minutes 2.66 seconds to cover the Derby’s mile-and-a-quarter distance, it took his trainer, Woolley, a lifetime and a couple of days to occupy horse racing’s most hallowed real estate below Churchill Downs’s twin spires.

The 45-year-old Woolley, a former bareback rodeo rider, loaded Mine That Bird in a van and hauled him behind his truck from his base in New Mexico, stopping at Lone Star Park in Grand Prairie, Tex., so his horse could gallop a couple of miles.

Those were hard miles, especially because Woolley is on crutches after breaking his leg in a recent motorcycle accident. In fact, last week Woolley and Mine That Bird’s owners, Mark Allen and Dr. Leonard Blach, were pointing Mine That Bird to the Lone Star Derby next weekend. Instead, they decided to dream big.

“I had no real feeling about how we’d do, but we came here to be competitive,” Woolley said.

On Friday, Woolley confessed that he was just happy to be here alongside Hall of Famers like D. Wayne Lukas, Bob Baffert and Nick Zito. He was amazed that horse enthusiasts stopped him in restaurants and knew that Mine That Bird was, indeed, the 2-year-old champion last year in Canada. Allen and Blach paid more than the $9,500 Mine That Bird fetched in the auction ring — $400,000, to be exact, after he won four races in a row.

Why buy a gelding? Mine That Bird does not have the cushy life of a stud awaiting him. Allen and Blach are not going to make millions in the breeding shed.

“We wanted a racehorse, not a stallion,” Allen said.

Couldn’t you at least get a deal?

“There was no haggling,” Allen said with a no-nonsense western twang. “They wanted $400,000. We paid it.”

It looked like a bargain when Borel started sanding the rail heading into the far turn, picking off one, two, three and, finally, 15 horses. The final hurdle came with an eighth of a mile left when Mine That Bird bulled through a sliver of a hole inside Join in the Dance.

“I wasn’t worried,” Borel said. “He’s a small horse and I knew I could squeeze him through.”

Baffert’s Santa Anita Derby winner, Pioneerof the Nile, was closing in the middle of the track, but it was much too late. He finished second.

“Those cowboys came with a good horse,” Baffert said.

The Illinois Derby victor Musket Man and the Arkansas Derby champion Papa Clem clunked up for third and fourth position. But all three are destined to be footnotes in one of the tallest tales about the Derby. Beyond the match race with War Admiral, no one remembers the many horses Seabiscuit turned back.

No, Mine That Bird earned a first-place check worth more than $1.4 million for his cowboy connections and returned the second-largest win payout in Derby history for his few and true believers — $103.20 for a $2 bet. Mine That Bird, a son of Birdstone out of the mare Mining My Own, has captured five of his nine career races.

Best of all, the little-gelding-that-could allowed Woolley to blink tears back from behind his sunglasses, tip his black hat and linger over how his improbable road to the Derby had ended. Before 6:24 p.m. Saturday, he was told, no one outside the tumbleweeds of New Mexico knew who Chip Woolley was.

He gulped, then swallowed.

“They’ll know me now,” he said, as prickly as a cactus.

Yes, they will.

John Gress/Reuters

Jockey Calvin Borel celebrating aboard Mine That Bird as they win the Kentucky Derby at Churchill Downs on Saturday.

Here's to the victor, quere es poder. Salud.

Lessons Learned From Disappointment

2009-05-02T15:08:00.006-07:00

Disappointment is sort of a unique feeling, or at least I've found it to be such. It has as many "dialects", if you will, that love has (i.e. depends on what elicited it), but at the core is the same overall feeling of .... not regret, but of....failure. It doesn't matter what failed, anything from another person to cookies will still produce that all to familiar result, but with different flavors that leave a slightly different taste in ones mouth, possibly directly correlated to how much of an emotional investment was placed into the subject. Sometimes that taste is bitter, sometimes it's dashed or denial, other times it's moderately expected, and at times it's especially the taste of humbling.

It's that humbling aftershock I believe to be some of the most potent, especially when you don't see it coming (oh heavens, yes, lol). Much like how the tongue feels as a result after eating too much pineapple or one too many habañero peppers, it leaves one feeling vulnerable for a time before the post-traumatic analyses begin to figure out what went wrong and if there's any chance of saving face. Its that post-traumatic analyses I believe to be the pivotal piece to the piece of resolving disappointments aftermath. Without it, one sets themself up for wallowing in self-pity, which we all know is destructive in its own right.

From the most recent disappointment analysis I've conducted on myself, I've come to realize a few things:

1. Sometimes, you just need to fess up that you'd been had. It's hard to admit that either you assumed something that wasn't correct or evident, so stick to the facts (because we all know what happense when you assume).

2. It's okay to hope and have faith in something, but be realistic about it. Although...somethings require a leap of faith and hope...

3. Don't be afraid to call a spade a spade - just make sure you have the evidence to back up your assertion.

4. Move on. I know women especially are devils on harboring ill-will (we want our justice SERVED), but you know what, the sun also rises and that means another day and another clear slate. If one opportunity blows up, it probably wasn't for you anyway, learn why it happened and look forward to the next adventure. Nothing kills me more than we people refuse to try again.

So next time you find your self confronting your garden variety disappointment, don't worry - it's not the end of the world. I promise. Just means you'll have to be smarter for next time.

What It Means to Heal

2009-05-01T14:38:00.008-07:00

I’d like to start with an anecdote, if I may. When my oldest brother, with whom I’ve very close, was in medical school, he’d often complain about the types of people he’d see during his rotations (the biggest patient population that my mother and I would tease him about was pediatrics, because he felt like he couldn’t talk to them intelligently). My mother and I subsequently took it upon ourselves to educate him during his early medical training on what it mean to truly be a doctor. We accomplished this in the traditional Watkins way, using irrefutable logic mixed into friendly banter and gentle reminders when appropriate, to get our points across that being a doctor extends beyond the science. Mind you, my brother isn’t an unfeeling individual at all, he has a very big heart, but it needed some higher education, if you will. Fast-forward a few years. During his residency, he related two experiences to me that signaled to me that he had softened a bit and had, in my opinion, grown as a physician.

The first experience, he called me specifically at the end of one day to tell me that I’d be proud of him. Naturally, I was curious. He proceeded to explain to me that he had just gotten off a night shift in the care units where he had gone in and checked in on everyone of his patients personally, turning off their televisions as he left so they could sleep. To one patient in particularly, he read aloud a small stack of cards they had received in the mail before turning out the lights. The second experience, he emailed me last year after working a shift at the children’s hospital with a little story of a little girl who had to get an MRI:

A little present for you - I was working in the MRI scanner today and took care of a little 9 y/o girl who came in for a repeat MRI brain for evaluation of her seizure disorder. What made me think of you today was the little girl came in clutching a stuffed saber-toothed tiger in her arms (ie. Tiggy). She looked very cute with it and I promised her her tiger would be with her throughout the scan even though she'd be under general anesthesia. Since the tiger itself contained no metal, this wasn't a problem. The scene was so memorable that I had to [tell] you…the little girl under general inside, and the readily identifiable tail of her stuffed saber-toothed tiger lying on top while she went through the study. Don't let it ever be said that I don't have a soft spot. =)

(FYI, “Tiggy” was my own stuffed tiger that I use to haul around with me everywhere when I was little). I told my brother the same thing after each of these experiences, “Now you know what it means to be a doctor.”

I apologize for taking a page there-bouts to tell you about my brother, but his metamorphosis is the thing that always comes to my mind when I think about true healing because, to me, it demonstrates that healing goes beyond the science. Much like many things in this life, it is the marriage of art and science. It is impossible for healing to be a truly perfect science because people are inherently an imperfect science – we aren’t clear-cut equations, but living probabilities. As a healthcare professional in two related realms, this is extremely important to me and my practice, and no matter how hard I try to dissociate myself from it a bit, I can’t help but somewhat “adopt” my patients/athletes/clients. I put so much my time and myself into them, how can I not without being a complete sociopath? Healing is a holistic practice, in whatever proportions deemed appropriate. At least in my mind its suppose to be.... (lol insurance companies may say otherwise)

Funny thing is, also,.... I don't hold that medicine has the market on healing, either.... but that's another story for another time.

The view through the lens

2009-04-30T10:23:00.004-07:00

Interview questions from the JPG Magazine site - It was kind of fun, so I thought I'd post my responses (because I know all of you were just DYING to find out why I do what I do)

When and how do you start to create?

My road to creation begins meandering out into what's already been created. My philosophy regarding my artwork is to show people the fun, interesting and amazing things that I see!

Do you create as a professionnal or for your own?

I create for myself, but I have been hired out on the rare occasion, usually as a favor to a close friend.

How do you learn and work your skill?

Slowly and with time - I've never had the opportunity to take a formal course in photography, which is unfortunate for me because I don't have that base of formal training knowledge from whence to build upon. I've just kind of experimented with technical settings and hope things come out, primarily, and I sit at the feet of my friends who know more than I do to get advice and tips.

What do you like in this art?

It really caters to the senses

What are your favourite subject(s)?

Things that don't move, lol

What are you trying to share via your art?

Art has a special place in many cultures. Things can be communicated through art that are, otherwise, very difficult to convey and/or culture in another human being. Everyone reacts to art differently, but I look to create pieces that positively inspire others in their own way.

Who are artists that fascinate or give you inpsiration? (links)

Rene Magritte, Rodney Smith, Georgia O'Keefe, and Maynard Dixon give me inspiration, and there are too many others that I enjoy.

What do you mean you don't know how to do that?

2009-04-28T17:19:00.007-07:00

I recently have had a chain of experiences that have prompted me to wonder about the practicality of self-reliance and responsibility. This sounds rash, but I'm partially serious. Or maybe a better thought would be, what are we doing to teach our children and ourselves self-reliance and responsibility for our actions and the resulting effects our actions have?

For instance, on multiple occasions I've gone out with men who needed detailed step-by-step directions to places where I'm meeting them. Getting to houses has a reprieve, residential areas are just made to confuse people. Public places, however.... Whatever happened to being able to give adequate information, such as a mutual point of reference and then other tidbits that people unfamiliar with the area wouldn't otherwise know (tips for traffic, street names/traffic lights to look for), and being able to let them loose with an address and a phone number of the place to let them find it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against holding the hand of a lost and wandering soul if I don't know them well enough to have greater expectations, but by the time you get to be at least a sophomore in college, you shouldn't require hand holding. Be BOLD! Be BRAVE! Explore!

And this is just the tip of the iceberg on the topic. Maybe I'm just insensitive, or perhaps I'm getting to that age where things that didn't use to bother me now do so..... hm.

Something to Chew On

2009-04-28T08:43:00.001-07:00

I had an experience earlier this semester in my Psychosocial Aspects of Rehab class (essentially it's Ethics) where I became reactionary and immediately realized after my brief outburst (and mind you when I say outburst, I doubt anyone even heard me anyway) that I had, also briefly, a lapse in judgment and made me question whether I'm diligently culturing the supposedly level headed person I've always believed myself to be. If you know me by any measure, level headed is any moment where I lack an emotional investment or I voluntarily forfeit said emotional investment for the greater good. It has long been my dream to become like who I see as the great level headed people that I admire - Eleanor Roosevelt, Ghandi, George Washington, Solomon, and so many more.

I wonder if it's coincidence that AC/DC's "TNT" just started playing on my playlist?

But it surprised me in a way how I reacted so half-cocked. We had been discussing the situation of the woman in California who had just given birth to the octuplets and I immediately expressed my discontent for her opting to have such a supposedly large quantity in vitro procedure when she already had 6 other children under the age of 8. Now she has 14 children under the age of 8, without a job, and I think the media has crucifed her enough for what's transpired in her life since the story first broke, so I won't continue to rant - however....

It got me thinking.... Is there such a thing as universal ethical behavior? Is it truly all relative? Should the principles I hold dear be imposed on to her, even if it would be for the greater good? Or should we just stand aside and watch, even if we can forsee (or at least think we can forsee) what's going to happen with this family, or, breaking from that example, other situations that we see our friends and loved ones enter into? How far should we allow that "learning experince" progress before we intervene? Should we even intervene?

What are your thoughts?

FYI

2009-04-06T20:14:00.003-07:00

In response to my last blog post, there apparently has been an outpouring of condolences and "don't worry" sentiments and I thank you for them. However, I feel I need to make a clarification - I wasn't sad when I wrote it, nor was I seeking pity. lol I wasn't down, depressed, yearning, or hopeless. It was more of a declaration of fact and I'm actually okay with the probability that I will be "single" for a good number of years to come. I'm a hard and particular personality, but the parts that are hard and particular aren't bad, and I'm fairly pleased with them. Women like me just aren't for the feint of heart. I believe men should be amiable, but I think they should be able to withstand someone giving them a piece of their mind and be able to weather that experience. *shrugs* =) (this is the red part of my personality coming out)

So yeah...I wasn't bemoaning in that last post. Much lub!

Revelation

2009-01-27T21:08:00.012-07:00

I recently realized a reason to why I have such conflicting feelings toward the idea of marriage and me. I've been emailing a friend and we got on the topic of Texas and my brother's aversion to it, but my feeling at home with it. It opened some floodgates of blabbering thoughts and emotions that I've been keeping repressed and it's like I had a mini-almost-quarter-life crisis. I had a talk with my bishop during my renewal of my limited use temple recommend about whether or not I had given any thought to taking out my endowments. I was honest in my feelings that I didn't feel prepared just yet to take on that responsibility secondary to my being a perfectionist, and we got onto the topic of marriage and I assured him that that reason for taking out my endowments would be a long time coming. He looked at me incredulously and asked me essentially if I was sure about that.

You see, almost 2 years ago when I was trying to make my mind up on where to go to PT school (oh the luxury of having options), I kind of knew deep down that NAU was where I was suppose to be and I already had a spot at Wash U in St. Louis and George Washington. Flagstaff...or D.C..... Young, single, vibrant, intelligent female.... I know, D.C. made more sense to me too looking at it from that aspect. But I knew I had to give it up with the confirmation that I knew I wasn't going to find anything in Flagstaff. I didn't know anything about the culture there and whatever the Lord wants to happen will happen. But that same feeling that told me I was going to Arizona also told me I wasn't getting married during my time in Flagstaff.

So who cares? (and this is a long round about way to get to my central point, but barewith) Well...with any relation that might come out of Flag scratched off, (which has been true so far), you have to put things into perspective.

1. Flagstaff has a small young single adult community, most of which is made up of undergraduates.
Not that I don't love 22 yr olds, and not that I won't date men younger than me, it's more of a maturity level thing.

2. Flagstaff is 2 hrs away from Phoenix.
The exact perfect distance away from a metropolitan area to discourage any potential suitor from a larger mating pool from entertaining the idea of a new relationship.
(I love being cras)

3. I'll be out on a year of rotations to who knows where.
I don't culture new relationships long distance. Tried it before and it just doesn't work.

4. By the time I graduate, I'll be 26 years old with a doctorate, and signing my life away to my patients and athletes for a time. In addition, I'll have not gone anywhere except for Canada, Mexico, and London.
It is commonly known in the LDS sub-culture that it becomes harder for LDS women, removed from an opportune placement amongst eligible bachelors, to find a good match. Not to mention, as soon as marriage occurs, unless you marry well, responsibilities take precedence to former freedoms.

The end of #4 dawned on me as I was talking with the aforementioned friend (the following are email excerts from that conversaton):

"I don't know what it is, but I've felt more at home in East Texas, where my father's family's from, and East Teneessee, where my mother's family's from than I do in AZ. Like you wondered about previously, you don't know what about AZ that makes me need to escape it (at least for short whiles). I guess subconsciously it's my resistance to what I feel like is eminent, following in my siblings footsteps and moving back to Phoenix to set up shop. I feel so restless when I stay longer than about 3 weeks at home because I found my wings being away from my parents and they get clipped a little every time I go back (my father recently tried to convince me that I still had a 10pm curfew, which hasn't been in effect since I was 17). I like my freedom and I haven't quite quenched my thirst for life just yet to bind myself to a 8-5 patient schedule just yet. Arizona, in a way, has just become this symbol of pro quo, sadly. Good memories, though."

"I know what you mean about slipping back into some old habits when you go home. It's kind of like moving at two different speeds. I hope I find freedom when i start working as well. That's one of my biggest fears, which is blown out of proportion, I know it, and it's not like good, ethical therapists don't make up the majority, either...they do. I just have the nasty habit of finding my way into covert sticky situations. eeesh.

"Ahh, the D40, a fine versatile piece. While I'm sorry that your adventure to China never came to be (one of these days I want to make it into the interior), at least you got to go to Japan. When were you there? Please tell me it was during the cherry blossom season. I'm glad you're exploring and finding out what styles you prefer - half the fun really is the exploration, and I know it shows in the product. My style.... heavens, what is my style. I seem to have a love affair with macro photography, still life, and the occasional concept photograph. I was trying to decide what type of photographer I'm developing into, and in truth I really don't know what I am, other than a learning amateur. I love dramatic black and white, but if there's color and motion to be found, I want that as well. I've held the philosophy that God, being the master artisan that He is, has given this great world many beauties for us to enjoy - I just freeze the moment in an all encompassing image to share with others so they can hopefully feel and see what I felt and saw. (If you make it to Europe before me, you simply MUST get the Alps in the Winter and Spring, and Budapest (both parts) in the afternoon)."

While writing those responses, I noticed that I have too much pent up energy and desire to see the world before I get....tied....down.... I know that sounds bad to look at marriage as that, but I really don't see myself finding someone who shares my desire for travel and also shares the means to do so anytime soon. The logistics just aren't there...yet. There is so much I want to do before I'll be fighting insurance companies or athletes who won't listen while raising kids and being the mate my future man married. I want to run, I want to play, I want to finally live and give my little hyposensitive soul the stimulation that it needs to behave normally...

Not that life doesn't keep going after marriage, that I know is NOT true, but life changes. Yes, for the better we hope, and I am almost deathly afraid that I won't get to see the world while I had the chance during my single years. As an amateur photographer, there are so many, many, many of God's creations that I've wanted to shoot, in certain seasons and times of day, I psych myself out just thinking about them. I would love it if I had a companion to share that with, but finding someone who shares my same passion hoping I'll coincidentally come across that magic needle in this hellish haystack....

Its unrealistic to seek perfection in a spouse, but this is one of a number of things that I'd like to share with him. Not necessarily the photography hobby, but the heart and will for adventure and experience. Otherwise, I'm not sure I'll be able to settle and be content with myself if I don't have my adventure and last hurrah before committing myself to the next stage of my life. And even at that, it sounds like I look at husbands as a boring lot who have narrow ambitions and little imagination, which isn't true - not at all. I just see so many of my married friends settle into their what I see as mundane lives, and I assume they're happy with it.

I have a different agenda, however. Anyone care to join me?

Handwriting analysis....

2008-12-18T01:29:00.001-07:00

I couldn't help myself. My friend Heather completed one and I was a little too curious and caved...

"

This personality profile is based on the writing of K W created at the website: Handwriting Wizard.com - Handwriting University's Official automated personality report creator based on standardized basic personality traits as taught through Handwriting University's Certification Level Program.

K is moderately outgoing. Her emotions are stirred by sympathy and heart rendering stories. In fact, she can be kind, friendly, affectionate and considerate of others. She has the ability to put herself into the other person's shoes.

K will be somewhat moody, with highs and lows. Sometimes she will be happy, the next day she might be sad. She has the unique ability to get along equally well with what psychology calls introverts and extroverts. This is because she is in between. Psychology calls K an ambivert. She understands the needs of both types. Although they get along, she will not tolerate anyone that is too "far out." She doesn't sway too far one way or the other.

When convincing her to buy a product or an idea, a heart rendering story could mean a great deal to her. She puts herself in the same situation as the person in the story, yet she will not buy anything that seems overly impractical or illogical. K is an expressive person. She outwardly shows her emotions. She may even show traces of tears when hearing a sad story.

K is a "middle-of-the-roader," politically as well as logically. She weighs both sides of an issue, sits on the fence, and then will decide when she finally has to. She basically doesn't relate to any far out ideas and usually won't go to the extreme on any issue.

People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, K doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.

K will be candid and direct when expressing her opinion. She will tell them what she thinks if they ask for it, whether they like it or not. So, if they don't really want her opinion, don't ask for it!

K has a desire for attention. People around K will notice this need. She may fulfill this need by a variety of ways depending on her own character.

K can be defiant. She sometimes has the attitude that if someone doesn't like it the way she is doing it, then they can just "go to hell!" This trait may reveal itself in a rebellious nature that is always ready to resist forces which she thinks are infringing upon her freedom of action.

In reference to K's mental abilities, she has a very investigating and creating mind. She investigates projects rapidly because she is curious about many things. She gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but she soon must slow down and look at all the angles. She probably gets too many things going at once. When K slows down, then she becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, she must slow down to do it. She then decides what projects she has time to finish. Thus she finishes at a slower pace than when she started the project.

She has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. Her mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. She can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. K can then switch into her low gear. When she is in the slower mode, she can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. She is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.

K is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. She needs to visualize the end of a project before she starts. she finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said she plans everything she is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned. K basically feels good about herself. She has a positive self-esteem which contributes to her success. She feels she has the ability to achieve anything she sets her mind to. However, she sets her goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach". She has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, she will not take great risks, as they relate to her goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, her self-perception is better than average.

Something is incomplete in K's life. She feels frustration relating to her physical needs and desires. Somewhere in her life there is some disappointment, non-fulfillment, and interruption. This is very likely to relate to K's sexual needs.

K is constantly disappointed when trying to reach success. She works very hard, perhaps harder than most, then just before succeeding, something happens that keeps her from success. Often, K changes to a second project just before the first one is finished, thus failing to complete the first project. Sometimes she changes because she feels she needs a different challenge. K feels dejected. This feeling relates to her failures. This trait is very important in a working situation and in a relationship. She must be handled in a very special way to get the most work from her or to make a relationship last. Concerning this trait, personality modification is available to change her life.

K has a healthy imagination and displays a fair amount of trust. She lets new people into her circle of friends. She uses her imagination to understand new ideas, things, and people.

K exaggerates about everything that has a physical nature. Although she may not intend to deceive or mislead, she blows things way out of proportion because that is the way she views them. She will be a good story teller. This exaggeration relates to all areas of her material world. K allows many people into her life because she is accepting and trusting. She is sometimes called gullible by her friends. That only really means that she trusts too many people. K has a vivid imagination.

K has a very unusual lower zone y loop. If the data input is correct, K's y or g is large and opens up to the left side of the page. This is not a common trait, but the implications are very interesting. As you begin to study handwriting analysis, you will learn any loop indicates imagination. This lower loop indicates the amount of imagination K has regarding sex and physical things. So, her lower zone stroke is large, so her sexual imagination is large and open. Furthermore, because the loop is incomplete and extends to the left, this indicates a particular fascination with certain aspects of sexuality that have not been fulfilled, yet. In a nutshell, K is open to some very new ideas sexually and is willing to try anything once.

K has a very unusual lower zone y loop. If the data input is correct, K's y or g is large and has triangle shape to the lower loop. This is not a common trait, but the implications are very interesting. As you begin to study handwriting analysis, you will learn any loop indicates imagination. This lower loop indicates the amount of imagination K has regarding sex and physical things. Her lower zone stroke is large, so her sexual imagination is large and open. Furthermore, because the loop has a triangle shape, this indicates a particular curiosity with certain aspects of sexuality. In a nutshell, K is open to some very new ideas sexually and is willing to try anything once. I'd say K is quite a dynamic and playful lover. Watch out world!

For a graphologist, the spacing on the page reflects the writer's attitude toward their own world and relationship to things in his or her own space. If the inputted data was correct K has left some white space on the left side of the paper. K fills up the rest of the page in a normal fashion moving the entire writing rightward as she moves down the page. If this is true, then K has a healthy relationship to the past and is ready to move on. The right side of the page represents the future and K is ready and willing to get started living now and planning for the future. K is leaving the past behind and moving on to what she perceives as an exciting and enticing future."

Expatriation

2008-12-18T00:50:00.004-07:00

I was reminded today that I lived a very sheltered life. I'm not going to go into the details of what triggered this reminder, but I realized that I had allowed myself to succumb to a very dangerous mindset - egocentrism. This is something I've spent a great portion of my life fighting against in other people because it was this nasty little bug that caused me great pain many years ago and from that I've been able to see how it causes pain in others. It is destructive and in the grand scheme of things, very little good comes of it.

For anyone who has caught the brunt of the version of me that's not myself that's been fermenting for the last 4 months or so, I'm sorry - so very, very sorry. In light of this, my mind often turns to my greatest Teacher. This particular gentleman (meant in the truest sense) is known to a number of other students as a master teacher. I've sat through many of his lectures but until I wasn't until college that I started to take stock in what he'd been trying to teach me all of those previous years. It was then, and only then, did the world open up further to my eyes. The times when I failed to remember my lessons were when a whole other Me was created - one that had fallen into a subconscious inawareness, where I wasn't what I really wanted to be. But, like the master teacher he was, he'd check in on me from time to time to see how I was doing and I'd awaken from the other conscious, and realize, again, almost with the same initial zeal as I had many years ago, that someone who is so afraid, unkind, unaware, stagnant and just wholly self-centered, wasn't for me.

So I walk away...

Forbidden cake?

2008-12-08T20:51:00.007-07:00

I was in the shower this evening pondering life as I scrubbed it off at the same time, and I got to thinking (I do my most profound thinking while in the shower, btw) about defying idioms. There's one in particular that I've been at odds with lately, namely the one that goes "You can't have your cake and eat it too."

Why not?

I know this idiom refers the choices and sacrifices that must be made when we come to those penultimate crossroads in life, but I've come to despise the times when people use this phrase defensively or haphazardly in a debate. Who honestly thinks this could even possibly applies to every situation?

Yes, I will agree there are those situations that exist where you cannot have it both ways (i.e. simultaneously dating more than one individual for a substantial length of time, for the lack of a less pitiful example). And barring matters of the heart, where you really can't have it both ways, any other supposed "tough choice" where merely presents itself to me as a challenge with a less obvious solution just WAITING to be solved.

Maybe I'm taking this too lightly. Am I'm neglecting those situations where there are more than one scheming individual involved? No, no, no...I thought of those as well. In those pinches, it's just your job to out think the others. To very loosely reference "The Art of War", you must come to know you enemy if you are to defeat him. If you're as good as you think you are, you'll be able to jerry-rig the situation to your favor.

In light of the way this argument has turned, it almost seems like if you want your cake and to enjoy it, you need to work for it. Maybe it's really suppose to mean, you can have your cake after you've put in your time, have gone through the lengths to learn to make it correctly, being the mindful creator. And once it's reached its perfection, through trial and error, you'll have something worth enjoying.

...that is, unless you've become sick of testing cake and the frustration that can come piggy-backed with this ordeal, then in that case, you really would have your cake, but couldn't eat it, as well....

hmm....

Profit and learning

2008-12-01T23:51:00.009-07:00

I once heard a statement that went something along the lines of, "Within every criticism, there is a kernel of truth. It is our duty to find this truth and build upon it." Now, it is not my intention to necessarily focus on criticism, constructive or otherwise, but rather the rooting out the kernel of truth. It seems like we often find ourselves in various situations where we consider ourselves fortunate or unfortunate, I know I do, but then I habitually ask myself, Why? I try not to ask this so much with the fortunate situations, but the latter begs it to be asked overwhelmingly more.

Asking Why in an unfortunate situation initially presents itself as a third-party plea for pity, but for some of us, its merely because we're trying to learn from our mistakes - rooting for that kernel of truth that we are to learn from and build upon, and I think it is this mind frame that needs to be striven for more by society. It possess an air of responsibility and ownership that seems to be lacking to a certain extent in today's society, as well as the spirit of progression. Yes, not-so-ideal things happen, some were under our control, others weren't. It is the essence of the advanced human race to progress forward, and that can only occur through learning:

1 : the act or experience of one that learns
2 : knowledge or skill acquired by instruction or study
3 : modification of a behavioral tendency by experience (as exposure to conditioning)

synonyms see knowledge from m-w.com

To learn is to apply knowledge, and what is knowledge but solidified truth....

The Midnight Musing Section

2008-11-22T22:10:00.004-07:00

Curse the nights you can't sleep because you took a nap earlier in the day. *sigh*

Jill of all trades...and a balancing act of many

2008-11-17T01:22:00.013-07:00

There was a time in my life when studying the human brain scared the crap out of me. It wasn't the physical anatomy of it, but more the applied physiology part of it all. I know, hard to believe, now that I'm strongly considering a specialty in Neuro rehabilitation in addition to sports medicine, and automatically psychoanalyze everyone as a result of my fields as well. One thing about neuroscience that has always fascinated me is hemispheric dominance. Those who are more Right brain dominant are the artists, creative thinkers, whereas the Left dominants are more apt with math, facts/figures, and science related items. So, what happens when you're supposedly both?

I recently took a self-administered exam that was to generally suggest which side of your gray matter was more dominant, after the scoring had completed it was apparent that I was...equal... right and left brained. Talk about frustration! Here I am, a woman of science, and yet....I half wish I had pursued a career in a more creative arena. I recently commented to my roommate and her boyfriend that if I was smarter that I would have gone into music. I realize I had misspoke when I implied that someone has to be more intelligent to tackle music than a science profession, or that I was regretting my decision to pursue physical therapy. I love my work in athletic training and physical therapy, but I was blessed with a mind that likes and loves a lot of other things...

I admired those who, in their chosen profession, are ultimately driven and focused; those who have TRULY specialized. There are days I wish I was that focused in what I do. These are they who I think make the great discoveries because they don't bog their mind with irrelevant information. Maybe they do and I'm just vying after an intellectual gift that I wasn't meant to have. Maybe I'm just jealous. Actually, I am jealous. I've always wanted to be one of those people with a photographic memory who could do multivariable calculus and diff eq in their sleep while they save Africa from a starvation epidemic with some brilliant economic idea and pretty much performed any task given to them with flawless execution. Flawless. mind you.

Some might say that this impossible delusion is what drives me to force myself into experience various things, but if that was the case, I wouldn't be as ultimately happy as I am, I don't believe. (PS, blogger's spell check is faulty, it didn't recognize ulitmately as being incorrect... and still doesn't actually). I'd be in a consistently stressed state of depression from continually recognizing that I'm falling short of my ideal. Always. Perfection cannot exist in this mortal life. But we can sure as hell try...

I may be a master of none of my interests, but I think the key is not necessarily how much is instantly retained and immaculately applied, granted that is a large component, rather the heart that goes into it. This is most likely the still jealous part of me jabbering but I don't care. Barring raw, innate talent, I think you'd be hard pressed to find someone you admire who didn't take an active interest in their work. They're constantly reseraching, studying, making sure information is correct and current. They analyze what's working for them, what isn't and make appropriate adjustments. They, too, have their own ultimate goal for which they are striving but weren't afraid to do what it took to go after it. (Even though I'm not necessarily referring to formal occupations, this probably could be applied to that realm to a certain extent. To me, a job is work that you don't like but it's a paycheck. An occupation isn't work, but activities that could be described as a job, but you wouldn't know it. All about the mindframe).

So how do you reconcile what you want with what you know you're pretty much given?

My advice...stop comparing yourself to others and concern yourself with culturing your own level of interest, as long as you enjoy it. As soon as you stop enjoying whatever is important to you is when you need to take a break, step back, and let the scales balance out.

The road to the exta mile is never busy...

2008-11-13T23:16:00.016-07:00

I remember when my oldest brother had just begun college, it was when email was first making it's mark on society. We had this whole list of instructions to perform to (for the most part I remember having to hit the return key 4 times on two separate occasions - but back then I had that routine down PAT!) just to be able to send this message over some modem connection through ASU servers and on to BYU. However, as the world wide web progressed to version 2.0 from the analog green screen action we were introduced to, his emails one day had this tagline at the end: "The road to the extra mile is never busy."

This phrase struck me much like any other meaningful phrase would, but it found it's way to my soul, for lack of a better, less cliche phrase. It's curiously amazing at how true that phrase is, that the road to the extra mile is never busy, but why? What is it about putting forth that above-par effort that is so repulsive? It's true, as organic organisms who are bound to the laws and suggestions of physics and chemistry, we tend to prefer paths of least resistance. It conserves energy, allowing us to store up for more worthy and worthwhile ventures. It also keeps us out of messy matters, thereby saving the added extra resources devoted to clean-up. I'm sure there are other reasons that I haven't mulled over while sitting here, but for the time being, we'll play with these.

And then you have those who don't mind expending the extra energy. What is it about being around those who don't mind taking the extra time that almost makes you, the regular Joe Shmoe, mildly guilty, or envious, jealous, or resentful of that other individual? I guess it depends on how we value our time and involvement in a project as it's compared to effectiveness. We tend to put more time and effort into things we value and have an interest in, whereas those other items and projects that are left over get assigned a lower level on the priority totem pole, leaving them at the mercy of superficial attention. To be fair, though, it would be near impossible to give everything in our lives equal amount of attention.

But we can sure the hell try.... Why? Why not. I guess my biggest problem with peers being lackadaisical when it comes to helping one another. One of my interests is people. I love people (everyone has a story to tell), and I can't remember a time when I didn't really like people. Yes, I know there are those out there who feel the exact opposite of me on this topic, but hear me out and allow me to make a case for improved quality of civil service. At the root of it all, people need each other (sorry, Bon Jovi). It doesn't necessarily matter for what purpose, but, again, at the root, I believe it to be psychological. In this particular time when we're the most psychologically distant from those we don't know, I believe many of our problems, both personal and social, could be mediated, curbed, remedied, what have you, by the simple investment of time and genuine interest. That man next to you in the street is your brother whether you like it or not, and in the end, each other is all we've got. The least we can do is take care of one another.

Yes, it may take some time out of our busy schedules, but the road to the extra mile is never busy... and I believe the potential benefits, while not assured, to be worth the effort.

To one it was given 5 and to another 3....

2008-11-12T22:42:00.005-07:00

What is it about the experiences that we don't have that make them so attractive? The proverbial greener grass, I suppose, but at the same time, I can't help but be curious. I'm curious to what about each of our lives that warrant certain people to experience certain things and others not. Additionally, there seems to be more ways to skin a cat when it comes to learning a central concept. In my short-sighted view, I cannot help but relate my life to this case.

For instance, a good friend of mine was recently told by a significant other that it was time they go separate ways after being together for nearly 2 years and it's been evident that it's hit my friend very hard. He's been muscling through it, but I've coached enough of my friends through relationship endings to know better. I've always found a bit of irony when I find myself in a well-worn confidant seat in that I've never been in a long standing relationship and, in theory, I should be the last person anyone turns to for understanding, sympathy, and salving advice. Maybe it's because I just happen to be standing there at the time, who knows, but at the same time, what is a love lost but nothing more than a lost friend. And I know lost friends.

I've always wondered what my friends were suppose to have learned from failed relationships. I believe everything happens for a reason, for our own profit and learning if you will (and I will). For everyone it's different with every episode, for some it's to learn respect, for others, it might be to gain emotional strength, and for yet another it might be to learn to be selfless. But, if I may be selfish for a moment, I can't help by wonder why I've never had that luxury. Everytime I express this sentiment, I'm consistently told that I'm lucky, but is that true? To never have that banter with another human being, to never have a broken heart....it almost seems to be part of the quintessential human experience to have your heart broken at least once.

However, while I cannot sympathize, I can empathize. I may not have a resume for matters of the heart, but I do have a resume for interpersonal relationships. And as I said before, what is love lost, but nothing more than a lost friend. Love comes in many forms, and the purest form, the kind that lasts forever, I believe is a combination of them all. In my profession, I don't just treat musculoskeletal conditions, I treat people. It's on that basic level that I maintain everything should exist, and that is how I treat my patients and athletes. I treat them as a person, and is that not how a friend treats another friends, or a lover treats a significant other?

So I guess the moral of the story is that I should consider myself lucky... and yet I still wonder about that other patch of grass...

and for those of you who are still curious, I've never had a relationship because the timing has never been right. My education and my work present a daunting exterior to prospective suitors - someone like me is not for the faint of heart. I've always remained open to the challenge and the opportunity of devoting myself to just one person, however, there are some lessons I still need to learn apparently before I am granted that privilege. And it is a privilege.... never treat it like it isn't. Until then, I devote myself to the people I am called upon to mend...

Hope for the pack rats

2008-11-11T22:06:00.001-07:00

I know I shouldn't be writing this, but I am anyway. Over the past few days, I've been thinking about how I don't really keep records of my life in traditional ways. I've tried journals, believe me, but I just can't keep them. I'm insanely lazy when it comes to documenting my existence formally, and I use to make the excuse that my being a pack rat does that for me anyway. It's true, I keep just about everything. There are those out there cringing at the very thought of all the stuff that I've accumulated, but I can't help it. I'm a sentimentalist, it's my way of showing what I've done and where I've been (sort of), it helps me remember past times, and it's bailed me out of some sticky situations (like when I was applying to PT schools - THIS IS WHY YOU KEEP YOUR SYLLABI!).

Yet, at the rate of accumulation I'm currently proceeding at, I'm going to end up like my father. Not that I don't love my father, believe you me, I am my father's child (in many more ways than one), but there just comes a time when there is too much stuff to go through. When I feel so fed up with the stuff that I have, I wish I was more judicial and pragmatic as my mother (and just so you know, I'm as equally like my mother as I am my father - it's the price I pay being the baby of 3 kids, the older 2 are 7-9 years head of me, respectively). So you can see where my internal torment arises from, lol. Yet I can't bring myself to throw certain things away. I guess it's because I have this looming fear that I'm going to forget. I hate forgetting. I've been forgotten by my peers a number of times when I was growing up and I vowed that I would never do that to someone else. As a consequence of that vow and also being a very visual person, I need physical things to help keep me on track with that goal, a goal that has expanded beyond interpersonal relationships to every other aspect of my life.

I guess keeping things also feeds my other pseudoly subconscious fear of never being known. For example, the only way anyone outside of my athletic training program would have known that I had been there and performed as well as I did (or at least think I did) would be if you looked at the injury treatment records, a few select game films or talked to my CI's. At the same time, I get slapped with examples that my fears are silly and superficial ( like when I hear about former athletes still asking for me to treat them).

What is it about being forgotten that bothers me? Why do I even care so much? I guess I just want my progeny to know that they're ancestor lived. Some may never get the chance to know me, and I want them to know that they had a good example to look to, and from whom they might have gotten some of their traits. *smirk* It may also have to do the fact that I draw most of my identity from my relatives. I had a cool experience this summer where I was finally introduced to two sections of my family that I had only heard about but never met. The first being my biological grandfather's side of the family as a whole. Due to some poor decisions on my grandfather's part, he's never been apart of my life, and as a consequence neither have my great uncles and subsequent cousins on that side, until my great uncle "Shorty" passed away out in Dallas area. Consequently enough, his funeral coincided with my family's trip to see my brother out in Dallas, so we had the opportunity to attend. That was probably one of the sweetest, most self-defining occasions of my life, as I came to know a man who I wish I had known in this mortal life - what a good soul he was, and what he had meant to my father. Also, that man's children and what good people they were, and that it was only my grandfather who was the only "bad seed" so to speak. I had cousins! This probably isn't as exciting to some people, but when you come from a relatively small family, it means a little more.

Also, consequently, I had the opportunity to meet my father's father. The man that I had never known and was discouraged to ask my father about...he was nothing more than a man to me. We were cordial to one another and that was about it. It was weird for me to look at him and think this is my grandfather and to not have any sort of attachment come flooding over me like I do when I think of my mother's father, and even then he passed away when I was 12. The last thing I need this to turn into is a sob story about the lack of male authority figures in my life, but at the same time, it explains so much of me...

Due to my birth order, I've had to come to know many of the people in my life through their writings, their possessions, records, pictures, scraps of paper, knicknacks, and stories! My example for this comes from my great aunt's funeral I attended to support my father's mother out in Safford, AZ. My grandmother came from a fairly large family in the Pima, AZ area, which is a large farming community. A number of her siblings stayed local or in surrounding smaller towns, and since my grandmother moved to the valley after she married, that's another section of family I had never really known. I met some at a family reunion back in 1997, but I was 13 and who are we kidding, I barely remember meeting anyone. (I also realize now that everytime I lose a relative, I gain about 15 more at their funeral). But to get off that tangent, for my grandmother's family, I had only known them through stories and letters and a few pictures. It was a treat to finally put faces with the names I had so often heard from her. Meeting my great-aunts and reintroducing myself to the great-uncles and the various cousins was different - I formed attachments that day, ones that I didn't even know about until months later. (My great aunt Elouise later told my grandmother in a phone call that I was the first person in a long time who had just treated her like a human being when I met her - a great source of pride for my grandmother for one (I'll explain another time) but also for me, as that comment was a measurement for how I treat people I barely know).

I get jealous of those who still have their great grandparents living and have both sets of grandparents with lots of cousins to bend upon, but at the same time, I wouldn't wouldn't change much about my family... only that I wish we all lived much closer to one another so I can hear the stories on a more regular basis and feel the love and safety more often.

Moral of the story: it's okay to be a pack rat...

2005-07-16T16:40:00.000-07:00

This past week I had major frustrations with the AC at the office. Oh...it only went out for about three days. It got so hot at some points we had to cancel patients for a day and a half and then it melted the rollers on our postage meter. lol that stuff was lacquered! heavens. there really are days I hate being back in that little room with 4 computer towers and 15 other things that create copious amounts of heat. *fans herself* but things are back online.

So needless to say it's been an easy week work wise, I didnt even have to go in to Swift! So no truckers and a sketchy office climate made for a relatively low stress week for me. In the mean time, it's been a lot of reading, lots of movies, lots of time spent on the art site making up for months of neglect. oy. Yes, I've hit the bottom of the social chain, but y'know it's not so bad. my only thing is that when I actually want to go do something, I have no where to go. Funny how in tiny little Provo, I had more to do or at least more options to make up stuff to do. In the 5th largest city, my options are limited as I don't drink or golf...and have an overprotective mother. Ironic.

2005-07-09T21:20:00.000-07:00

I almost feel like a prodigal son ( or daughter in this case ) right now as I sit here typing. It's been over year since I've approached the Anger Management Seminar. Partially because Im not really angry anymore...okay that's a lie, somewhat, but life has been more than interesting since I was accepted into the athletic training program at BYU. And for the record, I think it's best to read this blog while listening to "Kindly Unspoken" by Kate Voegele on repeat.

Anyway, I know Im not the best journal writer. I sit and claim that I write better than I talk, which, while true, forgets the small adendem that I might not write on a consistently frequent basis. There are some reasons for this accompanied with excuses: I'll admit it, Im a creature that tends to go the path of least resistance unless I have a deadline. I have given in to being trained to requiring a deadline to get things done. Clearly this is a phase of the common man I need to overcome, but that will be a long hard habit to fight, so don't expect immediate results - primarily because it doesnt have a deadline. Besides being lazy, long days and early classes didn't help. Being in the athletic training program means you willingly sign your life over to the Athletic Department for a 2 year service project, and I mean this in the kindest, but most practical way ever. Some people I dont think understood what life as a student trainer entailed until they were neck deep into their schedules - these are they who I think complain and refuse to take advantage of the situation. In the program, some things are handed to you, but there's a good deal that you have to seek out yourself if you're going to glean everything you can from being there. Then there were those who knew a good deal of what they were getting into - these are they who, while not exactly happy about the situation, make the best from day to day. I fit somewhere in between these two. I partially understood what the program would demand of me, but my mother taught me to finish what I started. This principle is one of a few things that has kept me going through the days of drudgery.

On the outside, student training has the blatant appearance of usery, but it took me getting to know my staff trainers and my players to give that "usery" more of a sense of meaning. Yes, I'm required to be at practice 1.5 hrs early, and I have to stay later until everyone is treated and the paperwork is done. Yes, that cuts into classes I need to take during key hours. Yes, that requires me to take the bulk of my classes early in the morning, or in the evening, or one night a week from teachers that may or may not be the best at teaching that subject. Yes, it's the kiss of death for my social life, hobbies, or other pleasurable things I enjoy. But y'know what...we're adaptable, and I've done it. Yes, I about killed myself doing it, but I'm still alive, damn it, and I now know my limits, and i wouldnt trade that knowledge for an easier lifestyle. I wouldn't know how clutch my softball girls are, or how sweet my football boys, or how trusting my volleyball girls. I wouldnt be able to practice, or experiement with my knowledge. I wouldn't have relied upon my Heavenly Father as much to help me finish my day. Looking back on this past year, yes it was a pain, but once I'm in the training room, I can forget about the world for a moment - it's my time to be something to someone else who has come to depends on me. In my view, it's the involvement that changes the usery to learning. I refuse to be dragged down unwilling. That's how others get the best of you, I've found. How I respond is my choice and I like to hold the upper hand - that's how I mastered this beast of a schedule. Im grateful for the friends I've made along the way, because without them, it would have been harder to adjust.

With that diatribe over, ugh! let's move on to the more entertaining things. As you've probably guessed, sports was my life this year, but we had some pretty entertaining times back at the apt. and in my ward. Some highlights: Mary's dating season (5 guys at once, 4 of them in the same room one night); Sayaka's cakes and Josiah; Berkley, our 6th roommate; Kelsey's Wedding (and for a while Boyd, our other 6th roommate before Berkley); teasing Caleb at the Remmington's and Brother Remmington enjoying that so much, he was sure Caleb and I would hook up; Riley only talking to me because I was a trainer for the football team; THE DINNER GROUP!!!! And my reaction when I found out that Allan had a girlfriend back home; staying friends with Allan; Class of doooooom; Liann's smoothie parties; Stu's music; Swing dancing; my softball girls kicking the frickin crap out of Utah and making it to the 2nd round of NCAA tourney; Dr. Knight; getting to know "Cleatus" - surprising at how sweet he really is underneath all the gruffness; my football boys - EJ and never knowing his real name ( and I KNOW it's not Everlasting Joy), Justin's comments, Craig's comments, Jayson's wrist and sweetness, Judd requesting me to tape him; Billy and Adam, Gordo's flirting even though he's a married man, Sean My Camel, The Freshman ( OHHHH Grant and Isley), Sean Nu'a and Hala Paongo - two of the best polys ever born, Nate's pseudo pessimism, Dan Coates' 5 bucks on my first day; pickle juice; my own little blow torch; Steve, the asst. equip manager thinking my name was Tiffany; getting to know Tom Hunt and ADORABLE wife; Rich Nehring dutifulness; Leo's whining, and how he NEVER came in for treatment; Todd Watkins' and I somehow agreeing that I had black in me because I had a black name; Joe Semanoff's daily treatment discussions; Spad and Chencer; Eddie Keele wearing our tape jobs to practice when we hadn't passed off for taping yet; Curtis Brown cutting off my circulation while taping my ankle; Mike Fischer recognizing me on campus even though he wasnt on my squad; JP - enough said; Spencer Rickertsen (spencer!!); BENCH BALL!!!; Black Cherry powerade concoctions; Not getting anything because we were on the second rotation; learning from George =); Having coach Crowton tell my guys to back off his 1st string offense (hell yes); Lut's tacky suits; the same christmas CD over and over; Chris' sense of humor; Sean Nu'a trading a steak dinner for Amy's beanie. My volleyball girls! - Amy Schlauder introducing herself to me first off and saying we'd be seeing a lot of each other; Lexi's particular preference for Gaye, her rolled up shorts, but being a clutch hitter in tough game situations; enduring my second coach firing - congratulations jason; Jason supposedly being from Australia, even though I SWEAR he's from germany; Stim and Study Sessions; Anatomy; my taping regulars; BEING WITH LINDZ!; half of the Mens team coming to practice; Jenna - way too many laughs; Goody's hand; Stacey's hand; Goody looking too much like Mary's sister; Lolo coming to trust my taping; Louie's compliment; quality time with E Lott; converting E Lott and Goody to becoming trainers - we think; yellow powerade; teaching Hulse the pathways of the heart; quality time with the Men's team; "so ninja"; Michael Burke being our model for the venous system; Carlos - his break up with E Lott, his miff with Ashley ( who replaced Lindz ), and teaching him how to tape; LEARNING FROM GAYE!; getting to know Gaye; autonomy; the stretching routine fiasco; Cala!; Friendship with Joe Hillman; Rachel Dyer's reasoning "But Kate said I could!"; lasering Jenna; having to break it to them that I wouldn't be with them in fall; my girls DATING my football boys - just when you thought your worlds wouldn't overlap; having them put their complete trust and faith in your abilities. Aaron Well's comparing me to Jodie Foster; Dr. Draper being bipolar without his meds; Dr. Mack - can't follow his lectures, but he's so wickedly cool!; Dr. Mack picking on me since I was "the trainer" of the class; Ty surfing the conference table to Hawaii Five-0; bonding with the semestermates; Judd's lil boy; Dan.; Kathy being the truly reasonable one; Microbiology and squiggly things; Slurpee runs on Monday's; Being the world's coolest FHE mom; my canadians; "Your Father" and "Joe" - there is a difference; Bruce's hair - nothing softer or redder; the secret personality of Jared Oaks; being officially dubbed "The Doctor" - and treating the ward for almost every illness and sports medical issue; the Dr. Love scandal; Six little snowmen; becoming friends with Allan; Paul Aylworth's cynicism being overturned by a little kindness; BENJAMIN RUSSEN FORSTNER; Country Dancing with Kathy; Swing dancing at The House; RED'S!!! (in memoriam); The Dutchman; It's Raining Men; Liann's many men and going to INDIAHHHHHH; the best phone in the world - The Communicator; Men's volleyball games; Michael Burke - enough said; three dates in a day and a half; Spring Semester - rooming with Sam and Wendy; gaining a new sister in Sam; Fridays at Guru's; Bruce and Jacob; Kelvin and Aaron; My boy's in #14; Chemistry 106 with half my football team and some amazing brainiacs with one wicked awesome TA; Chem 107 lab with a TA who was unknowingly after my own heart and sarcastic beyond belief - he really softens when you call him on it, it's surprising; the wannabe surgeon; always being the last one done; Dr. Linford's homework assignments - 30 hrs of chemistry a week; HIS TESTS!; Dr. Linford almost blowing himself up; teaching Sam how to play catch with Shawn; my dancing class; Crushing on my TAs; the Crash Apt.; Hender; School of Rock; Spencer, Sam, and the Newsroom; Forehead Kissing Steve; Chemistry Quiz comments; Somehow getting a d*** B in the class; heart to hearts with Sam; growing closer to friends with whom I may never associate again with in the future - but you never know. And I came home...

It's been a busy year, and while mentally exhausted, it was a good year. Im still recouperating, but by the time the 29th rolls around, I'll be ready to go out fighting. I just hope it's ready for me. Y'all be good. Until next time...

2004-05-16T20:22:00.001-07:00

So I was thinking to myself, and I said self.... I'm going to break the chain. I'm getting off the bandwagon. *hops up on the soapbox* I'm fixing the broken record!!! I'M GOING TO BE CONSISTENT WITH MY BLOGS!!!

*hands begin to shake from the detox*

And so....I shall begin.....tomorrow =D

Quiznage

1. Your name spelled backwards.
etak...sounds like an internet investment company doesnt it?
2. Where were your parents born?
Not here, lol
3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
The latest version of iTunes *busts a move*
4. What's your favorite restaurant?
PF Changs, Pete's, Cafe Rio, Wendys on weak moments, Melting Pot *drools*, and Sonic for their cherry limeades MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
5. Last time you swam in a pool?
you know, that's a great question. I think it was back in february sometime before I started jumping.
6. Have you ever been in a school play?
Nope...Im good if I dont sweat profusely during a piano recital!
7. How many kids do you want?
Three or four, I'd be willing to go to 5, possibly 6, but they're going to be adopted.
8. Type of music you dislike most?
Rap and the lastest trends in R&B are turning me off
9. are you registered to vote?
I sure am! Can I choose neither for the next election? I will vote to elect ashipoo! Boo to the yah!
10. Do you have a car?
I surely do. It's purty, but its dirty
11. Have you ever ridden on a moped?
Not that I recall. *looks at the questionaire weirdly*
12. Ever prank call anybody?
Im still planning it.
13. Ever get a parking ticket?
squeaky clean!
14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Maybe, if I could find someone to go with me.
15. Farthest place you ever traveled?
Farthest from here would have to be London
16. Do you have a garden?
I live in Arizona...I need Cacti!
17. What's the size of your bed?
queen at home + 62 quilts, and the wonderful..single up in the cubby hole in Utah
18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?
Am I American?
19. Bath or Shower, morning or night?
Either, but in the morning to wake me up
20. Best movie you've seen in the past 4 months?
Movies? what are those?
21. What's the next movie you want to see?
Van Helsing *drools* Oh Hugh....
22. Chips or popcorn?
Totally depends on my mood.
23. Have you ever broken any hearts?
Sadly, yes. *sniffles* It was hard...but it had to be...
24. Premarital sex?
ROTFLOL I cant even get a boyfriend, lets be honest here
25. Are you a good cook?
I like to think so. No one's died yet =)
26. Orange or Apple juice?
Usually orange in the morning, but I've had hankerings for apple lately
27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine?
Rob and Jill, and we went out to a local Chinese restaurant in Thatcher, Arizona! woohoo!!
28. Favorite type of drink?
cherry limeades =D
29. Best thing in the world?
Laughter, and good company
30. Have you ever broken a bone?
Nope!! heheheehe!
31. Have you ever won a trophy?
Course, psh. lol jk, but I did get some small stuff from middle school...funny how it stopped after that *furrows brow*
32. What is your favorite board game?
Life! Card Game? strip poker =^D
33. What is your dream car?
68 mustang convertible =D dark blue
34. Ever order an article from an infomercial?
Like the Gazelle?! nope
35. Coke or Pepsi?
Coke, hands down.
36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?
Yup, every day to work! got my scrubbies!
37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy?
Pharmacy? Guaifenesin
38. Who are you going to marry?
Hell, if I know
39. Who would you like to meet?
David Dellucci, Mark Grace =)
40. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Yes and no.
41. What features do you find most attractive in the opposite sex?
Eyes, smile, sense of humor.
42. Where would you go for a romantic evening?
Decisions, decisions. Anywhere in the smokies
43. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
more than I use to =D
44. Last song stuck in your head?
Hungarian Rhapsody
45. Any pets?
My baby puppy Manti
46. What's your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character?
Linda Richman, The Church Lady, and things Anna Gestyer/Will Farrell/Cheri Oteri
47. What is one thing you would like to learn to do?
Learn to ride english saddle, or bloody drive stick!
48. What do you do when you are bored?
Stare at the wall, mess around online, call people and see what they're doing and if I can come annoy them... You know, the usual.
49. If you could go anywhere in the world right now, where would you go? Europe!
50. What is one thing you are grateful for today?
Being alive (I started to nod off driving home from thatcher yesterday EEK!)

2003-12-10T17:18:00.000-07:00

I miss volleyball and Ive been having nightmares about marriage....

2003-11-15T17:31:00.000-07:00

So I know i havent blogged since my engagement, what can I say, the ups and downs have ruined me. jk. But on Wednesday, something HORRIBLE happened!!! I hyperextended my thumb in volleyball. Yes, yes Im perfectly okay, and its trying to recover, but its my right thumb, and I kinda need that hand. Its not like you can just splint the thumb and expect everything to go all honky dory y'know. And on top of that, I've caught what my roomie has and so its minor minor body aches and sneezing. Trying to fight it best I can, but we shall see. OHH!!!!! I GOT INTO MY PHYSIOLOGY LECTURE!!! My blessed friend Katie Lund called me up this morning informing me that she changed her major and was dropping her phsy. lecture and asked if I would like to have it. Nearly speechless, I couldnt think of what to say and so I baked her my SPECIAL BROWNIES. Nothing says thank you like those. Yum Yum! I dont know what I've done to deserve this, but hell Im going to do well. Like this is so momentus, I dont know if any of y'all can really understand...unless you know what it feels like to have only 4 pre-reqs for your major, and when you went to register, you got 1/2 of the but the last component was completely filled. And at BYU, its insane if you hit it right and happen to be logged in when someone drops it...assuming they realize they dont need it, or it conflicts, which with physiology...good luck. Everyone needs that class....and if I wouldnt ahve gotten in, this would ahve meant either cry and beg at the beginning of next semester or wait until next winter to apply to my program. *throws hands up* Blessed day. and my thumb hurts so I will end today's record. =)

2003-11-09T00:05:00.000-07:00

SUCH a fun day today! Today like rocked. Woke up and had our Relief Society breakfast with our advisor (she's sooooo cute) and then my president, another society's counselor and I took the excess down to a pregnant sister who's bedridden due to her baby. =^) Came back home and cleaned up our Apt for cleaning checks with my roomie Ada. Then Ada, our neighbor Amanda, her friend Laura, and I went out to lunch at Betos OH SO good, I had their Carne Asada burrito mmmmmmm! Came home to change cars because Ada lost her key earlier this week and we went down to Lowes to get mine copied for her. ahaha she choose this kickin key thats all covered in this leopard print, so she has THE key. Next we decided to go shopping so we went down to Old Navy and picked up some clothes (I only escaped with a shirt and gloves) and then went up to Buckle where I proceeded to get 3 pairs of jeans...this is like a first for me because designer jeans and I just like never happen. hehe they FIT my hips! like, I cant help my femurs and greater trochanters dude...and they go with my curves OH so nicely;^) Ada and I came home and I changed into my new shirt and jeans and went out with my RS President Jamie to see a movie. We wanted to see Radio, but it was sold out so we ended up seeing School of Rock. I laughed, I was a fan of Jack Black tonight. So we come out of the movie and outside the theater there's this raised dodge ram (diesel of course) waiting for some reason and it was packed with guys. They looked like HS seniors but whatever. They made some sort of comment as Jamie and I walked toward my truck. I just kept walking because IM like ya whatever, eat your hearts out. Ya I was swinging it in my kickin new outfit and boots oh ya. But the next thing I know...I hear a diesel engine behind me...Ya they TOTALLY FOLLOWED US! They drove by slowly and were like "mmmm I think they're too hot for us..." I just blew'em a kiss and kept walkin. I dont care if they were seniors, I GOT HIT ON TONIGHT! MUAHAHAHAHAHA! Jamie and I were gigging so bad in the car. James and I got some ice cream at the Creamery and then went back to my old dorm lobby to chill while we ate. My girl lindz was working the RA box tonight so I went to talk to her, got her and Jamie talking and stuff and we were all fine and grand. When this happens. This one girl comes up to us and asks us if any of us were engaged, she was on a scavenger hunt and she had to get the John Handcocks of an engaged couple and the date of their wedding. We just laughed it off, but I was like, well I could be. Just at that moment, a guy RA came walking up. *smirks* I bet you can guess what happened next. Nex thing I knew, he was on the floor begging my hand in marriage...Dang I think I might wear these jeans more often.. LOL It was funny, so as an engaged couple we signed it and then promptly had "complications" and I had to give him back his ring. It was heartbreaking. James even got a pick of me in my elated state, it was hilarious. lol So to get me over him, Jacob has a boy from his floor lined up for me. how sweet of him =^P The rest of the night we just chilled and then my girl Liann (who's also an RA) came in, HUGGED!!! and we all just hung out. Good night...oh sucha good night.

2003-11-06T23:19:00.000-07:00

YAY!!! SUCH a good day! A on my D&C test, decent lecture in Anatomy, saw some thing funny, saw my girl Mary, which ALWAYS makes me smile, good day in chem, but I can se I have some work to do, got an A FINALLY on Lab quiz, which made my mama proud because it was over the heart and the arterial system (she specialized in cardiac for her MSN), my good looking male TA used his arm as a diagram (we did the venous system today)...damn that boy is ripped... and I got to see my Helen today. HEHE!

2003-11-05T22:24:00.000-07:00

So it started to snow again today...ya and it pelted me in the face to AND from TWO of my classes....and they were hours apart. What the HELL is up with this!? LOL This is getting unreasonable, but whatever! But it was an intereseting day. We started Skill Testing in Volleyball which pretty much involves us going through different V-ball Skillz to see if their mad enuff yo. It was kinda boring, but hey, if it helps me fine tune, amen. Chem was interesting because we started Molecular Orbital and Valence Electron theory...TOTALLLY new stuff, but it seems fun. The most interesting part of the day came when my roomie Ada asked me if I wanted to come along to her friend Mitch's birthday at P.F. Changs....hmmm stay at home and do my take home test w/o my notes...or go to P.F. Changs....guess which one won out. ;) COURSE I went to Changs, hell yes! Well the roomies of birthday boy were friends of Ada too so they picked us up. One of them kinda hit on me during the course of the night, but the the paramount moment was when he said I looked like Kate Moss. Now...Im one to accept every compliment I get right off. *pauses and bites lip* But I think Kate Moss was a bit much, especially since she's a supermodel. I mean...lol...not to diss the chap, he was interesting enough as is, kinda cute too, but.....*bites lip* Do I LOOK like Kate Moss to you!?!?!?! I dunno, Im just wiggin. But it was a fun night even though he didnt talk to me during dinner, or on the ride home, but whatever. So much for being Kate Moss ROTLFOL I AM SO MEAN!!!!! WHY AM I SO HORRIBLE!?!?!!?!?!? I really am a Shrew

2003-11-03T20:37:00.000-07:00

OKay so this is the 4th, thats right THEEEEEE 4TH DAY STRAIGHT that its snowed. Not that I mind snow, Im actually a huge fan of it...but when it pelts you in the face as you jog to volleyball and the PELTS YOU GOING ON THE RETURN...i.e. the snow drift CHANGED DIRECTIONS just to spite me...is another thing. I mean...come on! I just want to know who leaked to the Weather that Im a poor Arizona girl who needs to be pelted in the face by snow and not by ever beautiful SUNSHINE! At least it wasnt windy...oh thank heavens it wasnt windy, I would have died. Lil Kate-sicle on the side of the road. Anywho, so I took my chem quiz early this go round because from here on out apparently they're on Mon-Tues...which is SOOO not good. I'd love to take it on Tues after my Chem Lab TA Jared explains to me whats going on in Laman's terms, but that puts a kink in everything in a sense. I dont like going to the testing center after5 or 6 due to a bad experience I had one time with my MFHD test last year. I got there, and apparently like 15 other professors decided to have their tests all end on the same day, and there was a line out the testing center past the JSB which is a good 50 yards out. This does not include the line snaking around over itself a few times like Disneyland once you actually got INSIDE the testing center. Thankfully they stayed open an hour after the last test was handed out, but yeah it was just a bad experience overall. So now Im like forever scarred and afraid that I'm going to ahve to face that line again if I go after 6 and not have enough time to finish my quiz. Stupid Tuesdays!!! Hopefully I pulled it off, which I think I did, but it took me over an hour to do it beacuse of, get this, the resonance Lewis structures of Urea (NH2)2CO for those of you who wanted to know the chemical make up of Urea. lol Robs, you think YOURE blogs are random....ROTFLOL. Just take a tour inside my ever synapsing mind. =p Alrighty, Iguess I should be getting back to work...y'all be good!

2003-11-01T00:45:00.000-07:00

God must truly love us because he gave us snow fall...I have to say its one of the most beautiful things in the world. =^) Happy Halloween...

2003-10-30T15:26:00.000-07:00

Okay so today I wake up at 5 in the morning to write my D&C paper. It's only 3-4 pages and I've been a shmoe who cant organize herself academically and put it off until now. So I shower, get some hot chocolate in me, and proceed to formulate my paper from the notes I had taken on the topic. Write write write write bathroom write write write write turn off air conditioning write write write write write write write write eat some cheese write write write write write write write write bathroom again write write write write YAY! Im done with 8-10 min before I had to leave for class. WHEW! Haul up to class but on the way my iPod freezes.....jerk...... I know how to fix it but it takes so dang long, its a frickin pain and its a lonely walk without music so what do I do? Bust out the Cerebral iPod *nods and grins* HA! Just when they thought they had me. D&C goes really well, all fine and dandy, I come home, change out my books, off to Anatomy where I proceed to find out that I got a 75% on my lab midterm, which is frickin CRAP because i studied so frickin hard, and I thought I did a lot better that I had....but reportedly theres a 6 point curve so that puts me up to like a B or something, but just the fact that I knew these...like if they frickin took off for spelling, Im-Im=Im...just going to deal with my ANGER and FRUSTRATION and retake this bloody course next semester. My dad doesnt like how they do lab up here too, so that means that Lab is crap...reportedly, yet again, the lecture professors or even the TA professor dude is mad at the TA's for what they've been doing, so yeah. I bop out of Anatomy and LO! its slushy snowing kind of! I grab soem food from the Wilk and head off to Chem lab. Chem lab was....interesting....got out of there and LO! AGAIN! ITS FULL OUT SNOWING! Yes, Im talking white puffy fat snowflakes! So I get to walk home in the snow which was cool. =^P So here I am, about to grab some sustinance before I study for anatomy lab ( I swear my only solace in that farce is I do get to play around with cadavers....and Garrett =^) Why does he have to be a TA. We could have been something...but no...he's authority. Da**) Oye!

2003-10-29T15:41:00.000-07:00

So Im buying flowers for my friend Erin, because its her birthday today. I handpick out a cool arrangement then go upstairs to get soem lunch (this is in the Wilk mind you). Im standing in like at this sandwich joint and this guy comes up behind me and says "Dont worry, he loves you" in this overly assuring voice in an attempt to make sure that I knew that my boyfriend loved me. A few thoughts then begin to run through my head. I first stopped myself from telling him that I didnt have a boyfriend and incredulously thinking...you think boys have this kind of taste in colors? Yes I know Im mean, but show me a guy who would ever put red Gerbera daisies, yellow roses and delpheniums together. If you can I will denounce my evil ways and wear a skirt with high heels for a week. Until then, I'll just go about my merry lil way. =)

Yes, I am the shrew incarnate. Be grateful you're not my lil sister because you wouldnt be married before you turned 40

2003-10-28T23:05:00.000-07:00

SO I figure I'd appease the Great Robby and post for the second day in a row. I know shock and awe. BUT! I did promise to post more often if she helped me out, so yeah. =^D Today kinda sucked work load wise but at the same time was very rewarding. I finished my 8 page written Art History midterm after skipping two of my classes and I dont think I did too bad on the visual portion. (prof made the dates extra credit YAY!!!!) I then took my chem quiz afterward and I studied for like 15 minutes but I think Providence was smiling upon me today. I figured everything out at elast. So I walked home in the dark, drove to wendy's and treated myself for my midterms well done

2003-10-27T15:30:00.000-07:00

YAY! I love my sister Ashee because she's a lot smart than me!!!!

2003-10-27T15:09:00.000-07:00

testing testing one two three

2003-10-26T16:12:00.000-07:00

Test test one to tree is this thing on?!

2003-08-24T22:24:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I've strayed away from the path of Blogging righteousness, but I've seen the light and have repented. So yeah, I've been locked up in a dental office all summer between helping the hygienists and scanning active patient's xrays into this online system we have at the office. Pain major, but hey it payz da billz...an da skool. My brother Morgan also got remarried this summer, and this girl is actually SANE so we hope she stays *crosses fingers* She has the CUTEST lil boy from her previous marriage, he's like 18 months or older and he's like ADORABLE, he's going to be SOOOOOO SWEET when he grows up. *HUGS BABY WILL* Okay, Auntie Kate is done. So there was that, then I moved all my stuff outta storage into my apt. Yeah, Managment spends WAAAY too much time on the beach. Seriously, you could like murder your roommate and they wouldnt know about it. They're soooo not together, and the complex has underground parking...with no minor slant for water run-off...so it just puddles and ponds up down there...and sits there getting bigger while the edge of it is about 3 ft away from the drain. Oh the irony. But whatever, might be only living there a year, so nothing too much to put up with. After that, I went to see my brother in San Antonio. That was fun, but he doesnt clean his apt. AT ALL...seriously he has like 3 ft of dust on everytihng. Also went to look at the PT school at his Health Science Center there, and that was cool. It gives me something to base all the other schools off of and it seemed like a really good program. =^D So now here I be at the end of the summer. Im soooo ready to go back to school, I want to move on!!! School starts the 2nd of sept so im driving the 10 hrs up to utah on Saturday. Blah. Still dont have a truck, but I will by then. I wish I could take my tank, but it wont be too great of a thing when it breaks up there, so...yeah. I dont know who my rommates are, but I know one is a music major and the other is some chick from Maryland who's having just a little anxiety ...her first time away from home. This should be interesting...she called the house to ask some questions about the apt, and she thought I was my mom...even when I told her I was me. *shrugs* should be a fun year, we'll see. =^) OH! And Robbness, if you want the camp journal, here's the link: http://sportygirl4114.deviantart.com/journal/870068/

if that didnt work, tell me, and I'll post it in here...copy paste action. GO RALLY MONKEYS!!!

Brad

2003-05-28T16:33:00.000-07:00

YAY! Today's Ashley's B-day!!! YAY!!!! TIIIIIIM!!!!! I WAS RIGHT! Dont tease me like that, I called her on the 26th thinking I was a horrible friend, being mistaken for all these years, only to find out....I was right the first time!!! NAH!! =^P I have vented. Quirky day at the office, I was kinda off my rocker a little and I blame it on the Crimson Wave. I hate that thing. UGH! The pinnacle of the off-ness was while Amy and I were walking out of Circle K with drinks for the office and the unruly drink holder shifted, dumping all but the Dr's drink.....right outside the door. It was classic. Naturally I was half laughing, half embarrassed, half horrified. Amy and I were like, Okay now's a good time to leave..... Next on the list was when Tom thought he could shove me and have it work...um no... I pinned him against the lab counter and doorway, shoving the mini fridge back into its cubby hole about 5 in. in the process. Yes, my quads and calves are really strong...its just a matter of maturly controlling them when you call me out. I mean, its like jumping infront of a growling pitbull. There's just not stopping it so why even bother. Rest of the day went along alright, nothing else major. But something funny did happen. Apparently we have these food-handlers one-size-fits-all plastic hand gloves *for patients who're allergic to latex* and just for fun I used them to re-package Amy's instruments....yeah...no workee...no likee...no useee. And Ash, I'll bring by your card tomorrow, workin on dinner and stuff, and I wanted to get you a small bouquet of flowers...good flowers. And the DVD's in the mail...or at least it should be. Anywho! you all have a great day, and I see you lata.

2003-05-25T18:15:00.000-07:00

Today was a typical sunday. Got up, went to church, etc etc etc, but we had some good lessons today. In sacrament meeting, my friend Christian Sanft (he goes to Coronado High, he was only in my ward because it was High Councilman sunday, and ...well...the High Councilman brought him) gave a very enlightening talk about living by Providence in four areas, health, family, spirit, and managment. Then the HC (Kirsten Jarvis' dad) spoke on something similar. yes Im a sinner, I cant really recall his talk ( well y'know he kinda went on a few tangents before the meeting time was over y'know, which took up most of his talk), but anywho, so then we went to sunday school, discussed the parables in Luke 18-19, and John 11. Afterward came Relief Society, and Sister Clyde gave a very good lesson about loving your neighbors, and...it was just a really good lesson. =^) Came home, had some lunch, and then I went to work on my bottle pictures. Some of them are up on my site if you want to see them. (http://SportyGirl4114.deviantart.com ) That and I'm happy MY BOY! got to play in the game today (WOOHOO!!!) Okay I'm done, and Ashley, I'm sorry I didnt answer my cell phone this weekend, it was on the charger (two batteries to tend to) and I forgot about it a large portion of that time...eheheheh I"M SORRY but I'll have it on tuesday so if you get stuck out on the corner of 4th ave and Washington, I'll be there for ya. =^) I may be at work, but I'll have it with me.

2003-05-24T23:32:00.001-07:00

Hi, um my name's Brad Voris and I have a problem with managing my anger. lol JUUUUST Kidding. While I do have some angry tendencies, I keep them in, and under wraps until I calm down,...then I act. Okay today while I was out running the dog, he picked up this rock looking thing in his mouth, and naturally we had to get it out of there because he likes to swallow non food items...such as socks. Anywho, so I grap him, and fish the thing out but I notice its really like and covered in like leaves and junk. I turn it over and lo and behold, I discover two small teeth on the bottem and like fangs on the top.....rodent skull. GROSS OUT MAJOR! Then we all came home and I helped dad in the flowerbeds for a few hours, put in my sweat for the day, and I took some REALLY COOL pictures of my moms blue bottle. I'm making a collage of them and I'll be posting it on my art site here in a few days, so here's the addresss : http://SportyGirl4114.deviantart.com