The Inconvenience of Independence?

I had an argument with my mother today (not surprising) about my long term plan for my life: where I was going to work, where I was going to live, and the like. In all seriousness, it was a reprise of the grilling I got from my Dad and oldest brother on said brother's birthday some 7 weeks ago. I reminded her I was only in my 3rd week of my first rotation, but that didn't matter. I failed to get across to her that I hadn't the slightest where I was going to work because I didn't really KNOW what kind of therapy I wanted to practice, other than I knew I didn't want to work in Acute Care for at least the first 3 years of my career. After some further repartee, I started to get really frustrated, and I mean really frustrated with her. She wanted a definitive answer, and I didn't have one for her, which ALWAYS leads her to pontificating about what I need to do. I love my mother, but I'm 25 years old, I've lived on my own for 7 years, I've battled sexist bigots, 6 PT schools and their interviews without her holding my hand and that's just the short list.

In the end, she subtly let me in on what was really bothering her - she felt out of the loop in my life. "You don't communicate with me," she said and I pertly responded, still carrying over from being cornered about the whole thing, "Why do I need to about this?" She knows I'm independent and exactly how independent I am, and I think that kind of scared her a little. What kind of gets me more is the potential sense she was emanating that I wouldn't her in my life down the road. Yes, I am very independent in many ways and I have skills that would allow me to pick up and move anywhere, settle in, and be just fine. But now, after this afternoon, I find that I'm asking myself, is it worth it to be this self-sufficient?

Finding the balance between including/excluding my family in my life is obviously delicate. I love my family, but over the course of my life, I've learned to adapt to situations where I don't have the safe haven of others to fight my battles - and it's not that I wanted it that way, it just happened. Some people tell their mother everything, but much like me, my mom has the answer to everything (shocker, I know), correct answers, mind you, and being essentially the same person as my mother, I don't like being preached to about something I already know. So, in order to prevent the broken record from playing, I've learned to become selective in what I tell her. (Oh, the beauty of learned habits).

However, the connection between us has made her aware of this, and as a result, she feels like she is not needed. One central trait my mother and I share - we need to be needed. We define ourselves and our worth by our service to others and when one creation of ours doesn't check in as often as the others do.... you get the picture. In some ways, it almost makes me wish I wasn't as independent as I am, but I can't shake the indispensable nature it has in my life. It has defined who I am, it is my buffer, my drive, and most importantly, to me, it is my justification. I hate being accused of doing/saying/thinking/feeling something because someone else told me to, or because it was expected of me - you really don't know how it irritates me.

My thirst for self-sufficiency fulfills some sort of innate need I have to be considered my own person... but is it worth the expense of alienating those I love? The logical answer would be no, but at this particular crossroad, I don't have a firm resolution. As much as we joke about other people who have stronger umbilical cords still attached to their family, how are we any different? There will always be a need to share what we feel is important with the ones we love - I guess we just need to resynchronize on what's important for each other to know...