Reflections I'm apparently suppose to be having

I'm not sure if it's because I've been wishfully thinking about guys I use to date or my hormones coming into imbalance (which weakens my defense against loneliness and social ineptitude), but I had a dream last night about a gentleman who asked me out in the Testing Center at BYU when I was a freshman. As in, ACTUALLY in the testing room with the proctors roaming waiting to pounce on someone remotely suspected of cheating. (It was a very smooth transaction - he dropped a very carefully torn and folded tiny lil note on the corner of my desk while walking by.  We only went out once, very sweet and very smart, but I was 19 and immature, more concerned with trivial things than what matters most because I didn't have any true bearing on what matters most). 

In the dream he still had his amazing intelligence (double major in Chemical Engineering and Physics Education) and his same humble sweetness, but the connection was different this time, almost like things had been waiting for me to turn my corner so I wouldn't be such a superficial jerk to such gifts proffered me - a good man, smart man, willing to devote himself to me and an "us" and for me to finally to be in the psychosocial position to do the same. 

Heh, turning corners.  An interesting thought to ponder.  My interpersonal relation skills on a basal level have always been good, but it was a matter of refining them, and ultimately myself, in the process.  Some things I've come to realize....

-  I almost lust after intelligence and the ability to create physical items at the same time.  Give me a machinist or carpenter, anyone who works with their hands with common sense, tenacity, deductive reasoning skills or an equivalent IQ of 150+ any day.

-  Raw attraction completes what intelligence/common sense/loyalty/all other quality characteristics don't fill.  It's a fact of life and that's that.

-  I'm shy when I care, and brazen when I'm confident.

-  Genuine loyalty and friendship is pretty quickly determined.

-  I like feeling safe more often than feeling like I have to beat up someone (I don't take well to men I feel the need to physically protect)

-  True charity knows no bounds - I admire the those who don't put a price tag or a mark on the balance sheet when it comes to helping someone else out who needs it; who love without repose; who ACT on behalf of another, not just think about it or delegate it off.

-  Banter exercises my brain, but I respond best to a common sensed, honest and soft hand.   

-  Balance - too much of a good thing is still too much of a good thing, just as not enough of a good thing, or too much of a bad thing.  Common interests are a spark and a glue, differences keep things healthy.

-  Being able to dance is more than just being able to reproduce preconceived notions of steps and patterns.

-  Ambition is almost as luring as intelligence.

-  Extracurricular talents involving the performing arts are nice, but they're more the glitter than the substance.

-  Intuition needs to be balanced with Imperitive - good touch says more than words for me, but that's not how everyone operates, and I've finally come to understand that.

-  How boys are is drastically different than how men are.

-  I prefer a long and steady road than a short quick route

-  Fear is legitimate, but never an excuse. 

-  Communication, in all forms, but especially verbal, will make and break it all.
 

It's been a long and winding road that's gotten me to where I am, and I know there are many more long and winding paths ahead.  I wish I could send thanks to all those I've had the pleasure of giving myself to in all forms so that I may learn more about myself in return, but I suppose they'll figure it out eventually.  Maybe.