Why do we place so much pressure on young men in today's culture to date when they may very well not want to? I've thought about this recently since spring has descended upon us - everyone comes out of hibernation and LO! the opposite sex never looked so good and summer relationships are beginning to take hold. With this recent resurgence of courting, especially when held against the contemporary dating trends (or rather the falling off of them), we, as bright young women, generally tend to renew our efforts in nudging the young men of our acquaintances to get off their duffs and formally socialize with young ladies.
This is a bit cynical, but what if boys don't ask girls out simply because they don't want to? Are we really to begrudge them for not doing something that we'd normally not do as well? We tend to not go out with those who we do not already have some inkling of interest in (be it plutonic or something else favorable), or are otherwise leery of - why not allow that of the men? What if they're just not that into you? Is there some unwritten code or law of social propriety that dictates that men must date you or give you a chance? I have yet to find such a document, but as a friend suggested to me once, this lack of regulation of modern dating tactical foreplay has made dating harder and more scarce than easier.
Odd to think that things were easier when there were more rules.... but if you examine it further, if nothing is expected of you, if there's no pressure, what else other than self-motivation will push you to complete the task? In considering us in our procrastinatory comfort zones, I propose self-motivation is the only thing at this point that will save today's dating culture. Since this is the way the wind seems to be blowing, it's easier to sail with it than try to reintroduce antiquated societal courting customs that will not work with this generation.
So, is that it? Psh, H*** no! Combat by making yourself more desireable and marketable - in good and Godly ways only. I am in no way suggesting that you throw in the towel and completely start catering to the whims of the opposite sex - they're hormonally driven and as we all know, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You can't please everyone, but you can please yourself and then go out to find that puzzle piece that completes your picture.
Just... don't get offended when the boys don't ask you out....
Monday, May 04, 2009
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I'm one of those strange guys that doesn't seek out dating very often. But I do have a few good reasons I think.
ReplyDeleteA lot of times I will wait for something to come along. As you said, it's a lot easier if one knows that an attraction or interest is mutual. Girls are terrifying not only because of the fear of rejection, but because of their seemingly hive mind. If one girl has no attraction to a guy, he asks her out, he just put himself in a position to be talked about/ridiculed by that girl. This is embarrassing, but bearable. But, if that girl talks to all her friends about what happened, then he just lost a whole group of potential partners not because he isn't good enough, but because he asked out the wrong one first.
I date my friends. Most important to me than mutual interest is the knowledge I get along well with someone. Again, if a date goes poorly, the former situation can occur. But if I know a girl and we're friends and comfortable then I know that the date will be fun, go well, and something might come of it. I already know some of her interests, quirks, and (hopefully) what she is looking for in terms of relationship/commitment. Things go smoother. And I'm not a creep, so the friendship isn't ruined either.
I do feel that girls should make more of an effort if they're interested in a guy. I recently found out from a non-LDS friend that a couple girls in my ward might/kinda had a crush on me (she had a classes with them I guess). I had no knowledge of this, but considering the likelihood that they would have been freshman (that greatly limits the possibilities of who it could be), had any of those girls ever made any attempt at asking me out, sitting by me, or even talking to me a mutual interest would have occurred. Unfortunately, no one made a move and I had no knowledge. My loss.
Finally (because I feel this is getting a little long) rules did make it easier. I can't help but smile when I hear a conversation between a group of friends about how far to go on a first date. Do you kiss? Is holding hands okay? What about...? No one knows any more because we each have our own comfort zones and we each trust others differently. If there was a rule about how far you were allowed to go on a first date, most people would ignore their comfort zones and conform to the rule. What I'm trying to say is that people (guys mostly from what I heard and seen) just don't know what is appropriate. It gives individuals more freedom to enjoy the process and gives the advantage to someone skilled or practiced in dating, but rules allowed everyone to enjoy the rituals of matchmaking. If you weren't interested in someone, you just let them down early on according to the rules and feelings/egos weren't hurt, as much.
Dearest Bradley,
ReplyDeleteSince I am new to this I would only like make a small note... I like the old "Anger Management Seminar" name for your blog. Much more accurate, if you ask me!
Robbie