Revelation

I recently realized a reason to why I have such conflicting feelings toward the idea of marriage and me. I've been emailing a friend and we got on the topic of Texas and my brother's aversion to it, but my feeling at home with it. It opened some floodgates of blabbering thoughts and emotions that I've been keeping repressed and it's like I had a mini-almost-quarter-life crisis. I had a talk with my bishop during my renewal of my limited use temple recommend about whether or not I had given any thought to taking out my endowments. I was honest in my feelings that I didn't feel prepared just yet to take on that responsibility secondary to my being a perfectionist, and we got onto the topic of marriage and I assured him that that reason for taking out my endowments would be a long time coming. He looked at me incredulously and asked me essentially if I was sure about that.

You see, almost 2 years ago when I was trying to make my mind up on where to go to PT school (oh the luxury of having options), I kind of knew deep down that NAU was where I was suppose to be and I already had a spot at Wash U in St. Louis and George Washington. Flagstaff...or D.C..... Young, single, vibrant, intelligent female.... I know, D.C. made more sense to me too looking at it from that aspect. But I knew I had to give it up with the confirmation that I knew I wasn't going to find anything in Flagstaff. I didn't know anything about the culture there and whatever the Lord wants to happen will happen. But that same feeling that told me I was going to Arizona also told me I wasn't getting married during my time in Flagstaff.

So who cares? (and this is a long round about way to get to my central point, but barewith) Well...with any relation that might come out of Flag scratched off, (which has been true so far), you have to put things into perspective.

1. Flagstaff has a small young single adult community, most of which is made up of undergraduates.
Not that I don't love 22 yr olds, and not that I won't date men younger than me, it's more of a maturity level thing.

2. Flagstaff is 2 hrs away from Phoenix.
The exact perfect distance away from a metropolitan area to discourage any potential suitor from a larger mating pool from entertaining the idea of a new relationship.
(I love being cras)

3. I'll be out on a year of rotations to who knows where.
I don't culture new relationships long distance. Tried it before and it just doesn't work.

4. By the time I graduate, I'll be 26 years old with a doctorate, and signing my life away to my patients and athletes for a time. In addition, I'll have not gone anywhere except for Canada, Mexico, and London.
It is commonly known in the LDS sub-culture that it becomes harder for LDS women, removed from an opportune placement amongst eligible bachelors, to find a good match. Not to mention, as soon as marriage occurs, unless you marry well, responsibilities take precedence to former freedoms.

The end of #4 dawned on me as I was talking with the aforementioned friend (the following are email excerts from that conversaton):

"I don't know what it is, but I've felt more at home in East Texas, where my father's family's from, and East Teneessee, where my mother's family's from than I do in AZ. Like you wondered about previously, you don't know what about AZ that makes me need to escape it (at least for short whiles). I guess subconsciously it's my resistance to what I feel like is eminent, following in my siblings footsteps and moving back to Phoenix to set up shop. I feel so restless when I stay longer than about 3 weeks at home because I found my wings being away from my parents and they get clipped a little every time I go back (my father recently tried to convince me that I still had a 10pm curfew, which hasn't been in effect since I was 17). I like my freedom and I haven't quite quenched my thirst for life just yet to bind myself to a 8-5 patient schedule just yet. Arizona, in a way, has just become this symbol of pro quo, sadly. Good memories, though."

"I know what you mean about slipping back into some old habits when you go home. It's kind of like moving at two different speeds. I hope I find freedom when i start working as well. That's one of my biggest fears, which is blown out of proportion, I know it, and it's not like good, ethical therapists don't make up the majority, either...they do. I just have the nasty habit of finding my way into covert sticky situations. eeesh.

"Ahh, the D40, a fine versatile piece. While I'm sorry that your adventure to China never came to be (one of these days I want to make it into the interior), at least you got to go to Japan. When were you there? Please tell me it was during the cherry blossom season. I'm glad you're exploring and finding out what styles you prefer - half the fun really is the exploration, and I know it shows in the product. My style.... heavens, what is my style. I seem to have a love affair with macro photography, still life, and the occasional concept photograph. I was trying to decide what type of photographer I'm developing into, and in truth I really don't know what I am, other than a learning amateur. I love dramatic black and white, but if there's color and motion to be found, I want that as well. I've held the philosophy that God, being the master artisan that He is, has given this great world many beauties for us to enjoy - I just freeze the moment in an all encompassing image to share with others so they can hopefully feel and see what I felt and saw. (If you make it to Europe before me, you simply MUST get the Alps in the Winter and Spring, and Budapest (both parts) in the afternoon)."

While writing those responses, I noticed that I have too much pent up energy and desire to see the world before I get....tied....down.... I know that sounds bad to look at marriage as that, but I really don't see myself finding someone who shares my desire for travel and also shares the means to do so anytime soon. The logistics just aren't there...yet. There is so much I want to do before I'll be fighting insurance companies or athletes who won't listen while raising kids and being the mate my future man married. I want to run, I want to play, I want to finally live and give my little hyposensitive soul the stimulation that it needs to behave normally...

Not that life doesn't keep going after marriage, that I know is NOT true, but life changes. Yes, for the better we hope, and I am almost deathly afraid that I won't get to see the world while I had the chance during my single years. As an amateur photographer, there are so many, many, many of God's creations that I've wanted to shoot, in certain seasons and times of day, I psych myself out just thinking about them. I would love it if I had a companion to share that with, but finding someone who shares my same passion hoping I'll coincidentally come across that magic needle in this hellish haystack....

Its unrealistic to seek perfection in a spouse, but this is one of a number of things that I'd like to share with him. Not necessarily the photography hobby, but the heart and will for adventure and experience. Otherwise, I'm not sure I'll be able to settle and be content with myself if I don't have my adventure and last hurrah before committing myself to the next stage of my life. And even at that, it sounds like I look at husbands as a boring lot who have narrow ambitions and little imagination, which isn't true - not at all. I just see so many of my married friends settle into their what I see as mundane lives, and I assume they're happy with it.

I have a different agenda, however. Anyone care to join me?