Times and Seasons

If you've been stalking my status updates on Facebook, you're likely well aware that I'm not precisely bashful about sounding off my frustrations with the company I work for.   I'm currently well-engaged in the process of finding alternate employment, but when I was just beginning to be truly committed to the idea of finding another job (I went through this same ordeal privately about 6 months ago when I thought shady billing practices were in the works and before I retrained my techs), I became VERY excited when I heard that there was an open position in the Sports Medicine department at the D1 university where I completed my Athletic Training degree.

What's not to be excited about??  Notoriety, free stuff, I get to rub elbows with my mentors, my patient/athletes/loyal subjects would actually do what I advised them to do (for the most part) because they cared about their injuries as much as I did, mentor new students, maybe teach a dissection lab, and the dancing would be FANTASTIC!  (I'd get my two ballroom partners back, the swing/blues scene is legit, and I'd actually refine my west coast once and for all).  Plus!  I'd be back in the land of amazing (and economical) performing and fine art opportunities, let alone the opportunity that I might actually find someone whose not afraid of me enough to marry me.  What could go wrong?

I was 90% finished with my application when I had a dose of reality.

I emailed my program director from PT school to ask if he would be willing to write a letter of reference for me.  He had also graduated from this same university, knew me very well, and I had often sought counsel from him while in school.  Although he said he'd be more than happy to write a letter on my behalf, he posed some questions to me that made me sit myself down and finally look the situation square in the eye and see it for what it was:

I'd be hired as an Athletic Trainer, not as a Physical Therapist,  which meant: My life would live and breathe traditional athletics (not necessarily a bad thing), but I'd be traveling for most of the year, never see my family at Christmas (because the team I would be inheriting had practice the day after Christmas), and I wouldn't have the spare time that I had been blindly dreaming of.  I'm A.D.D. when it comes to scenes I work in, and I would be feel committed to at least 5 years while there (in other words, burn out).   I thought about splitting my time between the university and picking up PRN work for PT, but the scheduling would be a nightmare, let alone getting time off to go to conferences for Continuing Education Units for two professions.  Not to mention, would the University be willing to pay for someone with a Clinical Doctorate education in a broader spectrum of neuromsuculoskeletal rehabilitation, not just a Masters?  mmm...likely not.  Not to mention, I never dated while I was in the program as a student - why would that change now when I would have less time and forget about trying to have a family when you're on the road, at practice, or with an athlete during surgery.

Essentially, I was so caught up in the "Greener Pastures" mentality of 1) changing my job, and 2) thinking I was going to be able to re-live my life as a college student that I completely bypassed the change in responsibilities I would be taking on and what it would mean to me in my life at this time.  I LOVED my time in college because it was my "coming out" from my cocoon of Secondary education - I really found myself during that time and it provided me with the full spectrum education in a relatively safe environment.

However, that was the thing.... it gave me what I needed at the time I needed it.  Those years are passed, I learned what was imperative for my development at the time, and since then I've passed through one new stage and entered my latest stage.  The rules have changed - I'm a different person than I was when I was 18.  So, why should I think the same "scene" would provide a similar feeling of security and fulfillment that it did the first time around?  I've come to firmly believe that we're given what's necessary for our further development at every crossroad, be it a consequence, a good experience, a bad experience, a person, an acceptance, a rejection...  To try to return to a "Level Completed"would be folly and temporarily damning, not to mention mentally/emotionally/characteristiacally unfullfilling.

So, as much as I long for the seemingly happier times, it won't solve my problems.  I just need to bite the bullet, grow up, and use my oversized/hyperactive cerebral cortex figure out ways I can bring the things I loved about college into my adult life with a mildly more mature overtone.

....mildly more mature.....  mildly.... (within reason).