Thoughts on a Shake Table

As most of you know (or at least SHOULD know by now), I have a penchant for most things Science-related.  I find Science very beautiful in its direct, measured elegance, but also for its occasionally unspoken attachment to faith.

I recently took a weekend sabbatical to Lake Tahoe, just to get away.  The weather was inexplicably tailored to my preferences (one day a full sun, one day of 75% sun with breeze, and one day of light, constant rain).  Part of my intentions of going to Tahoe was to photograph the Fall colors, but I was about 7-14 days too early.

However, I have two friends in the area - Mike, a professional photographer, and Ben, a student at University of Nevada, Reno studying physics (also a photographer).  It's true - if I don't have dancers for friends they're likely either scientists or photographers.  I spent my last few hours the area with Ben touring the UNR campus and there was something of particular interest that caught my attention (aside from the view from the roof of the physics building or the new library that made my heart quite elated) - the construction of the new shake table.

As I gazed out over the massive construction site from our perch in their general Science and Mathematics building, Ben educated me about the shake table - a device used to stress various materials to see if they're able to withstand oscillatory vibrations, similar to those produced by an earthquake or high winds.  The testing parameters often take the materials or item being tested to the point of structural failure.  The testing engineers then do a full analysis of the results, see where the points of failure are, and make recommendations to their clients on how to correct for these points of weakness within the system.

UNR has apparently done enough analyses in the past for various bridges that have collapsed during natural phenomena to warrant building a larger shake table to accomodate increased workload and sample analysis.  I was (almost) in love.  There is little that gives me more excitement, pleasure and sense of fulfillment than putting principles into proper practice to solve a problem for the benefit of more than just a handful of people, and watching the construction of the future stirred my blood.

It was my memory of this moment that came to me again as I sat in my Book of Mormon study group this evening.  We were discussing Chapters 4-7 (links provided) in the Book of Jacob, more particularly about Jacob's run in with Sharem, an Anti-Christ, and his singular assertion regarding unshakeable faith.  As the discussion evolved within the group regarding what nuances and differences between shakeable and unshakeable faith existed, my thoughts quietly twirled around the purpose of the shake table.

Faith, as I've come to understand it from my studies of the Bible, Book of Mormon, Pearl of Great Price, Doctrine and Covenants, Lectures on Faith and other assorted works, canonized and not, is not unlike a bridge to our Heavenly Father.  In my personal opinion, Faith is the ultimate catalyst, that necessary agent or medium to move something completely from Point A to Point B.  It is at the foundation of everything, including our access to the great and wonderful Atonement of Christ.  We are taught that faith without works is dead and that an increase in faith is often preceded by a trial of our faith - a law of increasing returns, of sorts.

A trial of our faith.... 

Like the counsel given to the Prophet Joseph Smith in Liberty Jail, or Helaman to his sons in Helaman 5:12, or the parable of the wise and foolish men who built their houses on firm or sandy foundations, when the winds rise, the hail pelts, and the shafts in the whirlwinds come upon us, we are promised protection and deliverance if we have established our faith on firm foundations.

It's hard not to think about what those proverbial "storms" and "shafts" are (or will be) in our lives - they're different for everyone but the result is still the same.... a seismic disturbance applied liberally to our core material to reveal not only where our breaking points are, but also how well we've constructed that core material...namely Faith.

Like the engineering shake table, Heavenly Father allows for challenges to come.  Sometimes they're benign and other times they're more "violent".  Regardless, their purpose is the same:  to allow us to prove ourselves obedient, worthy servants; to grow and to learn from our mistakes; to help increase our faith and learn how to exercise spiritual understanding. In other words, to see where our structural imperfections are so we can return to the "spiritual drafting board" and get to work on the necessary improvements to better weather the "learning modules" Heavenly Father needs us to complete to gain those individual experiences that are necessary for us to learn.
 
Science really is beautiful, even if it is quietly brilliant about its connection to faith.

A Borrowed Musing on Forgiveness

"The Gift of Forgiveness"

Life is a study in forgiveness. No one gets through life without needing to forgive. And no one escapes the need to be forgiven. Perhaps the central test of character, forgiveness brings out the best in us. It leads us beyond our own pain and suffering and helps us feel God’s love. Ironically, we help ourselves in the most profound way when we give the gift of forgiveness to others.

Charlotte Brontë’s literary classic Jane Eyre addresses the theme of forgiveness so well. Young Jane, orphaned and sent to live with a spiteful aunt, endures years of neglect and cruelty as a child. When Jane is old enough, her aunt sends her away to a substandard boarding school, where she is again mistreated. But Jane learns a vital lesson from Helen, a dear friend there. Helen explains to Jane one of life’s great secrets: "Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity, or registering wrongs."¹ Helen teaches Jane to forgive: to forget wrongs, to love enemies, to "bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you . . . [and] despitefully use you."²

Jane’s life is different ever after. It doesn’t necessarily become easier—Jane still has to endure injustices, hardships, and betrayals—but she is better prepared for all these things because she has learned not to hold on to grudges and ill feelings. She frees her soul from anger, bitterness, and revenge. In fact, Jane even returns to her malicious aunt and attends to her during her dying days. Ultimately, Jane finds true joy—and even true love—because she learned to forgive.

And so can we. It may be the hardest work we ever do, but it is also the most rewarding. Resolve now to let an old grudge go. Decide in advance to forgive any future offense that may come. Determine never to let a mistake get in the way of a meaningful relationship. As the 18th-century British poet Alexander Pope wrote, "To err is human, to forgive, divine."³

---

1. Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre (2006), 60.
2. Matthew 5:44.
3. Essay on Criticism (1711), line 525.

borrowed from the text for the Music and The Spoken Word from 10/9/11

Types, Shadows, and Parallels

     A spiritual pinnacle of my Wednesday came during Institute.  We're studying the first half of the Book of Mormon this semester and what I love about our instructor's approach is that he's more conceptual in addition to teaching by the Spirit, which I think drives concepts home even more.  Today's discussion took us to Nephi's "thesis statement", found in 1st Nephi 1:20, where he says

"But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender ^cmercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of ^ddeliverance."

We looked through 1 Nephi 1-17 at various instances from Nephi's life where he benefited from the Lord's tender mercies, what those mercies were, and how it resulted in his or other people's deliverance.  While discussing one of Nephi's trials, our instructor, Dan, brought up the ancient Hebrew prose form of historical parallelism, where past events that are held in reverence are used to illustrate a point, such as the Lord's consistency in delivering His people, in this case, as Nephi often cited Moses' experience with the deliverance of Israel from Egypt and various experiences they had during their 40 yr sojourn in the desert. 
     As we delved further and further into the scriptures, and other's continued to comment on various things, Dan asked a question at the end that caused a lights on experience for me that got my heart pounding.  "Why tender mercies?" he asked... and I couldn't help but think of parallelism in the ancient records we often see, especially those instances where we read how various people and laws are in similitude of Christ's Atonement for us.  What greater tender mercy could we have than that, which ultimately leads to our deliverance from justice's miserable grasp and elevates us to a most joyous circumstance?  It seems like every time the Lord sees fit to proffer a tender mercy on our behalf, for whatever reason, it should prompt us to remember the Atonement's place in our life and in turn humble us further.
      This lights on experience was a signal to me that my heart was in a right enough place for the Spirit to be my companion tonight, feeding me insight, teaching me wisdom...a place I hadn't been in too long of a time.  Much too long, and I felt my old friend return to me tonight.  Much love.

Beastly

I recently watched the film "Beastly" and was sorely disappointed.  They took a perfectly deep and delicately beautiful tale of what it means to truly love and made it awkward. Not that budding love isn't adorably awkward in itself, but this is like 5th grade production of Shakespeare awkward. Little boy going through puberty awkward.
     Nothing puts out a romantic fire quicker than course, haphazard screenwriting and mediocre editing that makes the character development questionable.  I guess what disappoints me most is that a more modern version could have been powerful.  Gaah... 
     What is the film industry coming to?  It use to be what people looked forward to as a temporary escape with the assured knowledge that they would be entertained in a fairly civilized manner befitting their intellectual ability and then we get crap like this ("Beastly")  being PRODUCED!

     ....MAY-be I'm overreacting.  Then again, maybe I'm not.  With the declining moral and intellectual initiative of today's youth in general as they're coming out into the world, they need all the examples they can get of what a complete sentence that uses words a little deeper into the dictionary sounds like and how it's used properly.  So they have to go look a word or two up in the dictionary to figure out what guy is saying to girl to get her to see he's not so bad after all - that's fine, they won't die.  In fact, that may be the entry way into the next level of thought for them.  
       Don't get me wrong, I am in no way suggesting that today's youth are applicably inept.  There are many out there who still give me hope for the future because they've taken it upon themselves to be responsible, accountable and ambitious without their parents pushing.  
       However... when the gross majority use ambiguous abbreviations in typed correspondence, can't carry-on a conversation, let alone have an imagination or understand what the underlying themes of "Brave New World" or "East of Eden"  are, this is when I have cause to be alarmed about the intellectual capabilities that the film industry is supporting with dime-store pulp fiction with bad dialogue and flawed storyline.  


   Am I elitist?  Probably.  I have a right to be in this case.  If it makes you feel any better, I still pick up Newberry Award Winner books because they're still a good story that present a constructive theme to ponder without yielding to explicit sex scenes only there to satisfy a housewife's fantasy.  Maybe that didn't make you feel better...  What can I say?  The state of modern popular entertainment is just beastly.

Meaningful Play: The Transition of "Play" Across Maturity - Part 1

     One of my favorite lines from a theatrical production comes from Shakespeare's "Much Ado About Nothing", specifically the scene where the Prince, Count Claudio, and Don Leonardo have set the stage for the misogynistic, eavesdropping Benedict to completely misinterpret anything that now comes out of his sworn rival Beatrice's mouth to be cloaking her true feeling for him.

     With the scene set, Beatrice, as part of the façade, is angrily sent to merely tell him "Dinner is ready."  Of course, Benedict's mind, already primed, is sent spinning to make sense of the disconnect between what he has been lead to believe by his friends and the disdain with which she conveys her supposedly "true hidden feelings".  It's at this point he delivers the classic line (beginning by paraphrasing Beatrice), "'Against my will I am sent to bid you come in to dinner' -- there's a double meaning in that."

    

     So, what does this have to do with anything, especially meaningful play?  A lot, actually.

    

     One beauty of language is the many uses it inherently possesses, both practical and poetic.  From the parables of Christ to the daily witty banter, words connect and disassociate ideas and draw parallels between two seemingly unrelated thoughts, conveying a deeper transcendent meaning/awareness to concept.  Ever since I was young, my mind has been groomed to find these parallels (yeah, it made for a somewhat frustrating childhood), and I recently became aware of one while flying home from a trip to Utah.

     As part of my training to become a physical therapist, a pediatric section was required and one of the integral ideas for intervention with children as the use of "meaningful play" - or using anything fun (games, activities, anything physical, visual, technological, quiet) to promote neuromotor or somatosensory integration.

    The idea of meaningful play is an amazing tool when you see it put into action.  It's not a cure all (like when the child just doesn't want to engage at ALL because it just happens to be a bad day), but most of the time, it has ways of evoking subconscious movement patterns that's almost unbelievable.   It inspired me to muse on what the parallels are between what meaningful play does for children and what it means for us as adults as we continue to advance across the spectrum of aging, specifically in reference to: physical development, emotional development, cognitive development and the developing a skill set within interpersonal relations.  So, for the next few blog posts I'll be delving into these aspects as they relate to our interpretations of "play".  :)

     Meaningful play is also very integral in a child's developing emotions, social skills, visual coordination - essentially normal development.  There is so much that is learned on the playground that we miss as the Adult "voyeur", I think.  This is where the Utah experience comes in.  Flying home from a trip to Utah, my mother, who is a nurse at an elementary school, and I  shamelessly and prively deconstructed the societal hierarchy and neurocognitive development of 7.5* children at a play table in the boarding area close to the gate.  What fascinated me most was how innocently this social construct came to be merely because they were playing a game of Hangman, and how this basic blueprint does not change as we progress into adulthood.  Sure, the "games" may or may not be different, but the rules, the benefits, the lessons learned (hopefully) do-not-change. Not to mention, if we don't continually practice these skills, we will lose them gradually.

Part 1 - Physical Play

     My practice as a physical therapist primarily centers around adult patients and as much as I love creating functional exercises, I've come to find the ones who come to me as something a former boss of mine affectionally refered to as a "train wreck" are the ones who have forgotten to physically play.  They have scores of non-genetic comobidities that likely could have been avoided if they had remained moderately active.   Let's face it, when we think of exercise, we all have horrible images of past failed New Year's resolutions and disenchantment after 3-4 weeks to the point where we return to our relatively "sedentary" lifestyle (es, this does include those who are "on the go" because "on the go" is the norm...play is additional to the norm).

     Why?

     Is it because as we've meandered further toward the pied piper's call of the technological age, we're more apt to be passive participaters?  Because we associate "play" with children and it has no place within an adult's lifestyle?  I don't think this is the case necessarily, but I honestly wonder if, as adults, we've narrowed our view of what's enjoyable when it comes to physical activity.  It's almost like we have a tendency to restrict ourself to what's appropriate for "adults" - since when did it become taboo to chase, kick, throw, tackle, and just flat out have a good time?  Sure, you might get a little sore, but at least you had fun doing it.

     In the end, I'd rather you have fun being active than variations of the alternative.  There are several research articles showing the benefits of physical activity - in the broad sense of the term - for mental acuity, problem solving, emotional well-being....

     So why not play instead?

     Some modern adult versions of play could include:

1. Walking/running with a dog (sorry, Dan)
2. Recreational sports - either pick-up games or city leagues
3. Charity/Benefit races
4. Bicycling to explore your neighborhood, park, or preserve
5. Learning a new activity - take a look at Groupon for discounts to get you started on something you've always wanted to try - you might find a new love (activity) or find a new pool of friends
6. Just playing catch (one of my favorite pastimes)
7. Yoga or pilates, or even jumping rope  (Tangent: this just reminded me of something - any girls remember Skip-it?)
8. Swimming, playing pool games with children
9. Gardening or yardwork
10. Social dancing (my ultimate game)

     Those are only 10 out of a multitude of options that exist at your fingertips.  Think back to what you find enjoyable and who you would like to share that experience with you - now go play, and keep yourself primed for life :)

Coming Soon - Part 2: Emotional development.

Mormon Reality Shows - A Call For Social Reform?

As a diversion from my endless amount of paperwork that I take home with me nightly, I logged on to Facebook (because that's the natural thing to do when you're bored), and I saw a notice for something that made my jaw drop.  No, not vitamin B infused Otter Pops (although that would be AMAZING) - The Mormon Bachelorette.

Now, I have no stones to throw - I did watch a few episodes of the secular one simply because I was bored one summer and needed a good laugh (I know, I'm horrible) - but really.... really?

Do we, of the YSA culture, really need to have something like the Mormon Bachelorette?  In my opinion, there's nothing special about the people they pick to be the bachelorette nor the suitors who apply to be considered (and I mean that in the kindest way possible).   In my relief society alone I associate with at least 20 beautiful, smart, ambitious, spiritual, creative, relatively normal daughters of God who are just as qualified as the young lady they chose (1 of which applied to be the next M.B. as well) and they don't have scores of guys vying to be their suitor.  As for the suitors, apparently there are amazing guys who are sweet, smart, and funny still floating around out there unattached and almost out of the singles ward.  What the he**??

Every woman of equal quality to the current M.B. deserves to have the following as she does.  So why don't they?  Now, this is where I get biased.

1. Not going to lie, I think half of those guys who applied to be a suitor are just looking for the fame of it all (what fame goes with a dating reality show who uses youtube as their TV network, I don't know, but I'm sure there will be some derived from it somehow), 
2. Some of them are likely are feeling brave because the M.B. is not in their ward (complying with the urban legend that everyone in your ward is a look at someone you'll never date because it would be awkward if you broke up),
3. Its a less covertly-condemned-by-society version of speed dating.
4. Disenchantment with what's readily accessible
5. They're too lazy to put forth the same effort to get to know the equal-qualitied women in their own area.

As I re-read this, I realize this isn't completely fair, and it's not meant to be.  But it does call into question: is YSA social culture in need of drastic social reform if this program is what we're resorting to to restore a proactive culture of dating instead of a culture of staring, wishing, hoping and waiting?

...Maybe this is what we need to get both parties to not feel awkward about asking and accepting dates from various parties and then proper acceptance or refusal of continuance....  Thoughts?

Me at 27

Dear Me-At-27,

My my my, how you have grown.  Maybe not so much in the waistline (I think you're still the same there), but that's okay - you lose it all when you turn 42 anyway, so you can save your energy for more important things.

I am so proud of you for finally making it out of school.  I know it's been a bit of a shock to you to be out in the "real" world since you've been in school since you were 3 years old, but now its time to get down to business.

Why haven't you taken over the world yet?
......
Honestly.    I know you said that you were slowly going to take over one batch of brownies at a time but I didn't think you were serious.  I guess you were.  Fancy that.  Anyhow, don't be afraid to make a stand when you need to and to stand down when you ought to.  You'll come to find in this world there are those Heavenly Father will need you to help and others to pave the way for.  You may not be able to help everyone, but you need to try.  You were blessed with so much - a loving family who has provided multiple opportunities for you, an education, a many gifts - that it is imperative you thank the source of all this goodness by giving to those who need them more than you do.

As you get further into the "real" world, don't forget to dance.  I sound foolish telling YOU this, but at the same time, I know how you get when you don't dance, and you're more use to me when you're happy.  So stop pussy footin' around.

On that same token, you need to trust your heart.  When your heart and your mind are in sync, the world sings, no matter how hard or how horrible.  When one of them gets out of balance, that's when trouble begins, but you already know that.  True, you haven't been dealt the kindest of those particular lots, but in the grand scheme of things you have nothing to complain about. Your time will come and when it does, expect to see your mind and heart to sync and sing like you've never felt before.  You'll know it when you feel it.

But a serious matter.  You need to buckle down.  You know what you need to do and the consequences of not following through are unfathomable.  You were blessed with a degree of wisdom, you've gained some more and now its time to stop forgetting what you've learned.  You're much too valuable to the work and what a glorious work you have ahead of you.

So...darling Me-At-27, the extra mile is down that way.  Lead on.

Much love.       Me.

Meaningful Play: The Transition of "Play" Across Maturity

Coming soon...

Ode to the Odoriferous

Note to self:  if your perfume or cologne leaves a scent trail long after you've gone...you've dabbed on too much.  That is all.

History Repeating

One thing about being young, single LDS adult in a metropolis is that you are almost guaranteed to know at least 4-5 people to get married every year.  That glorious and coveted exit strategy from singles wards, and usually around those times of multiple marriage celebrations, I feel the urge to pull out my A&E production of "Pride and Prejudice" to revel in that great double wedding scene (and who doesn't love Mr. Darcy - honestly...).

But in the process of getting to that great wedding scene at the end, you go on the roller coaster adventure of the Bennett sisters and this go round, I found myself being unusually cynical about Lydia's relationship.  I hate that part when she pretty much shoves her eldest sister, Jane, out of the way after she and her husband, that dastardly Wickham, out of the way as they go back into the house, sneering, "Oh no, Jane.  You must go lower.  I take your place now, because I am a married woman!" Oooo, I wanted to kick her! Just to spite her and Wickham both, the thought of how their marriage wouldn't last instantly flashed across my mind, and I sat smugly back into my chair as if I had mentally just thrown the ultimate telepathic gauntlet.  Ha! Suckers.  Bad Karma coming your way.

Then I got to thinking.  

I'll try to phrase this a delicately as I can, but mind you, I was in a purely academic mind frame when I started to go down this path.  Lydia was very young, gestationally as well as emotionally, and from several scenes we know that Wickham realized that he hadn't made as wise of a choice when he took Lydia on in his little escapade through life.  It's a fair assessment to say that if they were living in today's society, that marriage probably would have ended in divorce in less than 5 years, and that's likely being generous.  Also, likely, Wickham would be more cautious when he goes to choose a companion that's more suitable for him (at least, logic would suggest so), and it got me thinking...

I know it'd be none of my business, but the male mind is one of those entities that continually fascinates me (because as much as we women make light of the male stereotype, they really do think, feel, love, hate, aspire, etc), I'd really like to know what advice men who divorced in their mid-late 20's would give other boy-men on what to look (or lookout for) when choosing a mate.  And, as a follow-up to that, would the young man take that advice or would they marry the first pretty face without taking into account if they were emotionally mature to take on their new role?

Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?

Hi...my name is Kate....and I'm attracted to older actors (or dead for that matter) from their younger years.   I don't know what it is.  I can't tell if it's the visual bravado, the fact that they're willing to go after the women they see and like, but I just love these actors in some of their respective character roles!

(This is likely due to watching too many classic movies over the past several years)

Marlon Brando in his 20s/30s, Rossano Brazzi, Paul Newman, Gene Kelly.  (Vincent Price wasn't too bad in his earlier years, either.)  Look at them!  Uhh, how can I not without becoming disenchanted in my perception of many of the single males I interact with on a daily basis?

It's true, I just need to keep realizing people were different then than they are now, and maybe I really am an old soul in a young body, but these new guys just don't quite seem to capture the "whole" of what I think the "male" role is nowadays.  True, today's contemporary thespian pool does have some winners in the likes of Denzel Washington, Brad Pitt, Hugh Jackman, Alex Pettyfer, James Marsden, Matt Damon, Colin Firth (I'm sorry, but Mr. Darcy trumps everything), and so forth.

Hmm...

Too bad we couldn't combine the two lists....

Times and Seasons

If you've been stalking my status updates on Facebook, you're likely well aware that I'm not precisely bashful about sounding off my frustrations with the company I work for.   I'm currently well-engaged in the process of finding alternate employment, but when I was just beginning to be truly committed to the idea of finding another job (I went through this same ordeal privately about 6 months ago when I thought shady billing practices were in the works and before I retrained my techs), I became VERY excited when I heard that there was an open position in the Sports Medicine department at the D1 university where I completed my Athletic Training degree.

What's not to be excited about??  Notoriety, free stuff, I get to rub elbows with my mentors, my patient/athletes/loyal subjects would actually do what I advised them to do (for the most part) because they cared about their injuries as much as I did, mentor new students, maybe teach a dissection lab, and the dancing would be FANTASTIC!  (I'd get my two ballroom partners back, the swing/blues scene is legit, and I'd actually refine my west coast once and for all).  Plus!  I'd be back in the land of amazing (and economical) performing and fine art opportunities, let alone the opportunity that I might actually find someone whose not afraid of me enough to marry me.  What could go wrong?

I was 90% finished with my application when I had a dose of reality.

I emailed my program director from PT school to ask if he would be willing to write a letter of reference for me.  He had also graduated from this same university, knew me very well, and I had often sought counsel from him while in school.  Although he said he'd be more than happy to write a letter on my behalf, he posed some questions to me that made me sit myself down and finally look the situation square in the eye and see it for what it was:

I'd be hired as an Athletic Trainer, not as a Physical Therapist,  which meant: My life would live and breathe traditional athletics (not necessarily a bad thing), but I'd be traveling for most of the year, never see my family at Christmas (because the team I would be inheriting had practice the day after Christmas), and I wouldn't have the spare time that I had been blindly dreaming of.  I'm A.D.D. when it comes to scenes I work in, and I would be feel committed to at least 5 years while there (in other words, burn out).   I thought about splitting my time between the university and picking up PRN work for PT, but the scheduling would be a nightmare, let alone getting time off to go to conferences for Continuing Education Units for two professions.  Not to mention, would the University be willing to pay for someone with a Clinical Doctorate education in a broader spectrum of neuromsuculoskeletal rehabilitation, not just a Masters?  mmm...likely not.  Not to mention, I never dated while I was in the program as a student - why would that change now when I would have less time and forget about trying to have a family when you're on the road, at practice, or with an athlete during surgery.

Essentially, I was so caught up in the "Greener Pastures" mentality of 1) changing my job, and 2) thinking I was going to be able to re-live my life as a college student that I completely bypassed the change in responsibilities I would be taking on and what it would mean to me in my life at this time.  I LOVED my time in college because it was my "coming out" from my cocoon of Secondary education - I really found myself during that time and it provided me with the full spectrum education in a relatively safe environment.

However, that was the thing.... it gave me what I needed at the time I needed it.  Those years are passed, I learned what was imperative for my development at the time, and since then I've passed through one new stage and entered my latest stage.  The rules have changed - I'm a different person than I was when I was 18.  So, why should I think the same "scene" would provide a similar feeling of security and fulfillment that it did the first time around?  I've come to firmly believe that we're given what's necessary for our further development at every crossroad, be it a consequence, a good experience, a bad experience, a person, an acceptance, a rejection...  To try to return to a "Level Completed"would be folly and temporarily damning, not to mention mentally/emotionally/characteristiacally unfullfilling.

So, as much as I long for the seemingly happier times, it won't solve my problems.  I just need to bite the bullet, grow up, and use my oversized/hyperactive cerebral cortex figure out ways I can bring the things I loved about college into my adult life with a mildly more mature overtone.

....mildly more mature.....  mildly.... (within reason).

Long goodbyes and perks of being intuitional

I should hate long goodbyes, but like a typical addictive personality when it comes to human relations, I can't help but get stuck in them when the opportunity strikes.  I guess that's one of the curses of being a strongly intuitive person as much of a science and imperative/explicit person as I am.  However, I suppose there's something to be said for old flames and realistic dreams involving them.

I recently found out that the mechanical engineer I had attempted to date on and off for over a year (who burned me pretty sorely in the end and then tried to make it all better by writing an epistle to how it wasn't either of us that caused him to re-nig suddenly, it was divine inspiration.) is getting married after dating someone for only ....4 months.  Now, in my culture, that's not uncommon, but for someone who only 6 months ago was coming to me because he was having trouble from realizing he was a self-centered individual who had never really learned to love someone else, let alone himself... this was a shock.

Well... a shock, a relief (because now I had the closure I needed from occasionally yearning he'd sort himself out and want to try "us" again for round 3), and bittersweet (because if he truly had figured out the beginnings of to love someone else, I envied the girl who cultured it in him).  It's pathetic, but when this is the second man I've opened myself up to enough to allow myself to get burned like this, it's a meaningful thing regardless of how much I balance in my head the good times with the overwhelming ....discord.... that essentially defined our relationship.

So what about the dream? you ask.  Well, before the engineer and I called it off again, I was away on an out of state internship and I had a very vivid dream that I was at a fair/carnival of some sort and I saw him walking up with a girl who is now one of my very good friends and they were holding hands.  To make matters worse, she had a ring on her finger, and they said hello and walked off like there was no social obligation to explain what was going on. (which would have been about par for the engineer).  Dreams, when they're that vivid, are very important to me.  Sure enough, the months after that dream, the engineer decided to do somethings that were indicative that he was no longer in pursuit of my affections (after he verbally said he wanted to continue dating me while i was on my internships) without saying anything - not a word.

This brings us up to last night.  I had a very vivid dream that he and I had crossed paths, and were actually having a kind of private tender moment.  Eyes closed, foreheads touching, he held my right hand and said something along the lines of how I was associated with intelligence, but his fiancée was associated with the heart.  I remember feeling my typical form of yearning, but then the acquiescence that one feels after their heart's been ripped out but realizes its for the best.  Sometimes when I can't consciously put to rest what's over and done with, it's nice to be intuitional enough to have dreams that can put you in your place.

Clean Slates

There's something to be said about the gift of choice.  As cliché as it is to celebrate the turning of the new year with seemingly trivial resolutions, I've often found the zeal that accompanies such a tradition of reformation inspires a feeling of empowerment that is ubiquitous within us, yet not often utilized. 

It's not often we sit down, take a look at whatever is going on in our life and actively resolve to do something differently outside of those extenuating circumstances we've all come to know, love and appreciate in hindsight.  (But isn't that the point of having those moments where it becomes so bloody painfully obvious that something needs to change?)  I could delve into my theories on why we don't have more meaningful re-evaluations that might lead to productive change...  but, instead I think I'll stand to suggest that the waking moments we have in this life are an opportunity to make whatever we want of this we like!

So... what will you choose this year?  Your paints are before you...