Lessons Learned From Disappointment

Disappointment is sort of a unique feeling, or at least I've found it to be such. It has as many "dialects", if you will, that love has (i.e. depends on what elicited it), but at the core is the same overall feeling of .... not regret, but of....failure. It doesn't matter what failed, anything from another person to cookies will still produce that all to familiar result, but with different flavors that leave a slightly different taste in ones mouth, possibly directly correlated to how much of an emotional investment was placed into the subject. Sometimes that taste is bitter, sometimes it's dashed or denial, other times it's moderately expected, and at times it's especially the taste of humbling.

It's that humbling aftershock I believe to be some of the most potent, especially when you don't see it coming (oh heavens, yes, lol). Much like how the tongue feels as a result after eating too much pineapple or one too many habañero peppers, it leaves one feeling vulnerable for a time before the post-traumatic analyses begin to figure out what went wrong and if there's any chance of saving face. Its that post-traumatic analyses I believe to be the pivotal piece to the piece of resolving disappointments aftermath. Without it, one sets themself up for wallowing in self-pity, which we all know is destructive in its own right.

From the most recent disappointment analysis I've conducted on myself, I've come to realize a few things:

1. Sometimes, you just need to fess up that you'd been had. It's hard to admit that either you assumed something that wasn't correct or evident, so stick to the facts (because we all know what happense when you assume).

2. It's okay to hope and have faith in something, but be realistic about it. Although...somethings require a leap of faith and hope...

3. Don't be afraid to call a spade a spade - just make sure you have the evidence to back up your assertion.

4. Move on. I know women especially are devils on harboring ill-will (we want our justice SERVED), but you know what, the sun also rises and that means another day and another clear slate. If one opportunity blows up, it probably wasn't for you anyway, learn why it happened and look forward to the next adventure. Nothing kills me more than we people refuse to try again.

So next time you find your self confronting your garden variety disappointment, don't worry - it's not the end of the world. I promise. Just means you'll have to be smarter for next time.

What It Means to Heal

I’d like to start with an anecdote, if I may. When my oldest brother, with whom I’ve very close, was in medical school, he’d often complain about the types of people he’d see during his rotations (the biggest patient population that my mother and I would tease him about was pediatrics, because he felt like he couldn’t talk to them intelligently). My mother and I subsequently took it upon ourselves to educate him during his early medical training on what it mean to truly be a doctor. We accomplished this in the traditional Watkins way, using irrefutable logic mixed into friendly banter and gentle reminders when appropriate, to get our points across that being a doctor extends beyond the science. Mind you, my brother isn’t an unfeeling individual at all, he has a very big heart, but it needed some higher education, if you will. Fast-forward a few years. During his residency, he related two experiences to me that signaled to me that he had softened a bit and had, in my opinion, grown as a physician.

The first experience, he called me specifically at the end of one day to tell me that I’d be proud of him. Naturally, I was curious. He proceeded to explain to me that he had just gotten off a night shift in the care units where he had gone in and checked in on everyone of his patients personally, turning off their televisions as he left so they could sleep. To one patient in particularly, he read aloud a small stack of cards they had received in the mail before turning out the lights. The second experience, he emailed me last year after working a shift at the children’s hospital with a little story of a little girl who had to get an MRI:

A little present for you - I was working in the MRI scanner today and took care of a little 9 y/o girl who came in for a repeat MRI brain for evaluation of her seizure disorder. What made me think of you today was the little girl came in clutching a stuffed saber-toothed tiger in her arms (ie. Tiggy). She looked very cute with it and I promised her her tiger would be with her throughout the scan even though she'd be under general anesthesia. Since the tiger itself contained no metal, this wasn't a problem. The scene was so memorable that I had to [tell] you…the little girl under general inside, and the readily identifiable tail of her stuffed saber-toothed tiger lying on top while she went through the study. Don't let it ever be said that I don't have a soft spot. =)

(FYI, “Tiggy” was my own stuffed tiger that I use to haul around with me everywhere when I was little). I told my brother the same thing after each of these experiences, “Now you know what it means to be a doctor.”

I apologize for taking a page there-bouts to tell you about my brother, but his metamorphosis is the thing that always comes to my mind when I think about true healing because, to me, it demonstrates that healing goes beyond the science. Much like many things in this life, it is the marriage of art and science. It is impossible for healing to be a truly perfect science because people are inherently an imperfect science – we aren’t clear-cut equations, but living probabilities. As a healthcare professional in two related realms, this is extremely important to me and my practice, and no matter how hard I try to dissociate myself from it a bit, I can’t help but somewhat “adopt” my patients/athletes/clients. I put so much my time and myself into them, how can I not without being a complete sociopath? Healing is a holistic practice, in whatever proportions deemed appropriate. At least in my mind its suppose to be.... (lol insurance companies may say otherwise)

Funny thing is, also,.... I don't hold that medicine has the market on healing, either.... but that's another story for another time.

The view through the lens

Interview questions from the JPG Magazine site - It was kind of fun, so I thought I'd post my responses (because I know all of you were just DYING to find out why I do what I do)

When and how do you start to create?

My road to creation begins meandering out into what's already been created. My philosophy regarding my artwork is to show people the fun, interesting and amazing things that I see!

Do you create as a professionnal or for your own?

I create for myself, but I have been hired out on the rare occasion, usually as a favor to a close friend.

How do you learn and work your skill?

Slowly and with time - I've never had the opportunity to take a formal course in photography, which is unfortunate for me because I don't have that base of formal training knowledge from whence to build upon. I've just kind of experimented with technical settings and hope things come out, primarily, and I sit at the feet of my friends who know more than I do to get advice and tips.

What do you like in this art?

It really caters to the senses

What are your favourite subject(s)?

Things that don't move, lol

What are you trying to share via your art?

Art has a special place in many cultures. Things can be communicated through art that are, otherwise, very difficult to convey and/or culture in another human being. Everyone reacts to art differently, but I look to create pieces that positively inspire others in their own way.

Who are artists that fascinate or give you inpsiration? (links)

Rene Magritte, Rodney Smith, Georgia O'Keefe, and Maynard Dixon give me inspiration, and there are too many others that I enjoy.

What do you mean you don't know how to do that?

I recently have had a chain of experiences that have prompted me to wonder about the practicality of self-reliance and responsibility. This sounds rash, but I'm partially serious. Or maybe a better thought would be, what are we doing to teach our children and ourselves self-reliance and responsibility for our actions and the resulting effects our actions have?

For instance, on multiple occasions I've gone out with men who needed detailed step-by-step directions to places where I'm meeting them. Getting to houses has a reprieve, residential areas are just made to confuse people. Public places, however.... Whatever happened to being able to give adequate information, such as a mutual point of reference and then other tidbits that people unfamiliar with the area wouldn't otherwise know (tips for traffic, street names/traffic lights to look for), and being able to let them loose with an address and a phone number of the place to let them find it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against holding the hand of a lost and wandering soul if I don't know them well enough to have greater expectations, but by the time you get to be at least a sophomore in college, you shouldn't require hand holding. Be BOLD! Be BRAVE! Explore!

And this is just the tip of the iceberg on the topic. Maybe I'm just insensitive, or perhaps I'm getting to that age where things that didn't use to bother me now do so..... hm.

Something to Chew On

I had an experience earlier this semester in my Psychosocial Aspects of Rehab class (essentially it's Ethics) where I became reactionary and immediately realized after my brief outburst (and mind you when I say outburst, I doubt anyone even heard me anyway) that I had, also briefly, a lapse in judgment and made me question whether I'm diligently culturing the supposedly level headed person I've always believed myself to be. If you know me by any measure, level headed is any moment where I lack an emotional investment or I voluntarily forfeit said emotional investment for the greater good. It has long been my dream to become like who I see as the great level headed people that I admire - Eleanor Roosevelt, Ghandi, George Washington, Solomon, and so many more.

I wonder if it's coincidence that AC/DC's "TNT" just started playing on my playlist?

But it surprised me in a way how I reacted so half-cocked. We had been discussing the situation of the woman in California who had just given birth to the octuplets and I immediately expressed my discontent for her opting to have such a supposedly large quantity in vitro procedure when she already had 6 other children under the age of 8. Now she has 14 children under the age of 8, without a job, and I think the media has crucifed her enough for what's transpired in her life since the story first broke, so I won't continue to rant - however....

It got me thinking.... Is there such a thing as universal ethical behavior? Is it truly all relative? Should the principles I hold dear be imposed on to her, even if it would be for the greater good? Or should we just stand aside and watch, even if we can forsee (or at least think we can forsee) what's going to happen with this family, or, breaking from that example, other situations that we see our friends and loved ones enter into? How far should we allow that "learning experince" progress before we intervene? Should we even intervene?

What are your thoughts?

FYI

In response to my last blog post, there apparently has been an outpouring of condolences and "don't worry" sentiments and I thank you for them. However, I feel I need to make a clarification - I wasn't sad when I wrote it, nor was I seeking pity. lol I wasn't down, depressed, yearning, or hopeless. It was more of a declaration of fact and I'm actually okay with the probability that I will be "single" for a good number of years to come. I'm a hard and particular personality, but the parts that are hard and particular aren't bad, and I'm fairly pleased with them. Women like me just aren't for the feint of heart. I believe men should be amiable, but I think they should be able to withstand someone giving them a piece of their mind and be able to weather that experience. *shrugs* =) (this is the red part of my personality coming out)

So yeah...I wasn't bemoaning in that last post. Much lub!

Revelation

I recently realized a reason to why I have such conflicting feelings toward the idea of marriage and me. I've been emailing a friend and we got on the topic of Texas and my brother's aversion to it, but my feeling at home with it. It opened some floodgates of blabbering thoughts and emotions that I've been keeping repressed and it's like I had a mini-almost-quarter-life crisis. I had a talk with my bishop during my renewal of my limited use temple recommend about whether or not I had given any thought to taking out my endowments. I was honest in my feelings that I didn't feel prepared just yet to take on that responsibility secondary to my being a perfectionist, and we got onto the topic of marriage and I assured him that that reason for taking out my endowments would be a long time coming. He looked at me incredulously and asked me essentially if I was sure about that.

You see, almost 2 years ago when I was trying to make my mind up on where to go to PT school (oh the luxury of having options), I kind of knew deep down that NAU was where I was suppose to be and I already had a spot at Wash U in St. Louis and George Washington. Flagstaff...or D.C..... Young, single, vibrant, intelligent female.... I know, D.C. made more sense to me too looking at it from that aspect. But I knew I had to give it up with the confirmation that I knew I wasn't going to find anything in Flagstaff. I didn't know anything about the culture there and whatever the Lord wants to happen will happen. But that same feeling that told me I was going to Arizona also told me I wasn't getting married during my time in Flagstaff.

So who cares? (and this is a long round about way to get to my central point, but barewith) Well...with any relation that might come out of Flag scratched off, (which has been true so far), you have to put things into perspective.

1. Flagstaff has a small young single adult community, most of which is made up of undergraduates.
Not that I don't love 22 yr olds, and not that I won't date men younger than me, it's more of a maturity level thing.

2. Flagstaff is 2 hrs away from Phoenix.
The exact perfect distance away from a metropolitan area to discourage any potential suitor from a larger mating pool from entertaining the idea of a new relationship.
(I love being cras)

3. I'll be out on a year of rotations to who knows where.
I don't culture new relationships long distance. Tried it before and it just doesn't work.

4. By the time I graduate, I'll be 26 years old with a doctorate, and signing my life away to my patients and athletes for a time. In addition, I'll have not gone anywhere except for Canada, Mexico, and London.
It is commonly known in the LDS sub-culture that it becomes harder for LDS women, removed from an opportune placement amongst eligible bachelors, to find a good match. Not to mention, as soon as marriage occurs, unless you marry well, responsibilities take precedence to former freedoms.

The end of #4 dawned on me as I was talking with the aforementioned friend (the following are email excerts from that conversaton):

"I don't know what it is, but I've felt more at home in East Texas, where my father's family's from, and East Teneessee, where my mother's family's from than I do in AZ. Like you wondered about previously, you don't know what about AZ that makes me need to escape it (at least for short whiles). I guess subconsciously it's my resistance to what I feel like is eminent, following in my siblings footsteps and moving back to Phoenix to set up shop. I feel so restless when I stay longer than about 3 weeks at home because I found my wings being away from my parents and they get clipped a little every time I go back (my father recently tried to convince me that I still had a 10pm curfew, which hasn't been in effect since I was 17). I like my freedom and I haven't quite quenched my thirst for life just yet to bind myself to a 8-5 patient schedule just yet. Arizona, in a way, has just become this symbol of pro quo, sadly. Good memories, though."

"I know what you mean about slipping back into some old habits when you go home. It's kind of like moving at two different speeds. I hope I find freedom when i start working as well. That's one of my biggest fears, which is blown out of proportion, I know it, and it's not like good, ethical therapists don't make up the majority, either...they do. I just have the nasty habit of finding my way into covert sticky situations. eeesh.

"Ahh, the D40, a fine versatile piece. While I'm sorry that your adventure to China never came to be (one of these days I want to make it into the interior), at least you got to go to Japan. When were you there? Please tell me it was during the cherry blossom season. I'm glad you're exploring and finding out what styles you prefer - half the fun really is the exploration, and I know it shows in the product. My style.... heavens, what is my style. I seem to have a love affair with macro photography, still life, and the occasional concept photograph. I was trying to decide what type of photographer I'm developing into, and in truth I really don't know what I am, other than a learning amateur. I love dramatic black and white, but if there's color and motion to be found, I want that as well. I've held the philosophy that God, being the master artisan that He is, has given this great world many beauties for us to enjoy - I just freeze the moment in an all encompassing image to share with others so they can hopefully feel and see what I felt and saw. (If you make it to Europe before me, you simply MUST get the Alps in the Winter and Spring, and Budapest (both parts) in the afternoon)."

While writing those responses, I noticed that I have too much pent up energy and desire to see the world before I get....tied....down.... I know that sounds bad to look at marriage as that, but I really don't see myself finding someone who shares my desire for travel and also shares the means to do so anytime soon. The logistics just aren't there...yet. There is so much I want to do before I'll be fighting insurance companies or athletes who won't listen while raising kids and being the mate my future man married. I want to run, I want to play, I want to finally live and give my little hyposensitive soul the stimulation that it needs to behave normally...

Not that life doesn't keep going after marriage, that I know is NOT true, but life changes. Yes, for the better we hope, and I am almost deathly afraid that I won't get to see the world while I had the chance during my single years. As an amateur photographer, there are so many, many, many of God's creations that I've wanted to shoot, in certain seasons and times of day, I psych myself out just thinking about them. I would love it if I had a companion to share that with, but finding someone who shares my same passion hoping I'll coincidentally come across that magic needle in this hellish haystack....

Its unrealistic to seek perfection in a spouse, but this is one of a number of things that I'd like to share with him. Not necessarily the photography hobby, but the heart and will for adventure and experience. Otherwise, I'm not sure I'll be able to settle and be content with myself if I don't have my adventure and last hurrah before committing myself to the next stage of my life. And even at that, it sounds like I look at husbands as a boring lot who have narrow ambitions and little imagination, which isn't true - not at all. I just see so many of my married friends settle into their what I see as mundane lives, and I assume they're happy with it.

I have a different agenda, however. Anyone care to join me?

Handwriting analysis....

I couldn't help myself. My friend Heather completed one and I was a little too curious and caved...



"

This personality profile is based on the writing of K W created at the website: Handwriting Wizard.com - Handwriting University's Official automated personality report creator based on standardized basic personality traits as taught through Handwriting University's Certification Level Program.

K is moderately outgoing. Her emotions are stirred by sympathy and heart rendering stories. In fact, she can be kind, friendly, affectionate and considerate of others. She has the ability to put herself into the other person's shoes.

K will be somewhat moody, with highs and lows. Sometimes she will be happy, the next day she might be sad. She has the unique ability to get along equally well with what psychology calls introverts and extroverts. This is because she is in between. Psychology calls K an ambivert. She understands the needs of both types. Although they get along, she will not tolerate anyone that is too "far out." She doesn't sway too far one way or the other.

When convincing her to buy a product or an idea, a heart rendering story could mean a great deal to her. She puts herself in the same situation as the person in the story, yet she will not buy anything that seems overly impractical or illogical. K is an expressive person. She outwardly shows her emotions. She may even show traces of tears when hearing a sad story.

K is a "middle-of-the-roader," politically as well as logically. She weighs both sides of an issue, sits on the fence, and then will decide when she finally has to. She basically doesn't relate to any far out ideas and usually won't go to the extreme on any issue.

People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, K doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.

K will be candid and direct when expressing her opinion. She will tell them what she thinks if they ask for it, whether they like it or not. So, if they don't really want her opinion, don't ask for it!

K has a desire for attention. People around K will notice this need. She may fulfill this need by a variety of ways depending on her own character.

K can be defiant. She sometimes has the attitude that if someone doesn't like it the way she is doing it, then they can just "go to hell!" This trait may reveal itself in a rebellious nature that is always ready to resist forces which she thinks are infringing upon her freedom of action.

In reference to K's mental abilities, she has a very investigating and creating mind. She investigates projects rapidly because she is curious about many things. She gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but she soon must slow down and look at all the angles. She probably gets too many things going at once. When K slows down, then she becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, she must slow down to do it. She then decides what projects she has time to finish. Thus she finishes at a slower pace than when she started the project.

She has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. Her mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. She can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. K can then switch into her low gear. When she is in the slower mode, she can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. She is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.

K is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. She needs to visualize the end of a project before she starts. she finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said she plans everything she is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned. K basically feels good about herself. She has a positive self-esteem which contributes to her success. She feels she has the ability to achieve anything she sets her mind to. However, she sets her goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach". She has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, she will not take great risks, as they relate to her goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, her self-perception is better than average.

Something is incomplete in K's life. She feels frustration relating to her physical needs and desires. Somewhere in her life there is some disappointment, non-fulfillment, and interruption. This is very likely to relate to K's sexual needs.

K is constantly disappointed when trying to reach success. She works very hard, perhaps harder than most, then just before succeeding, something happens that keeps her from success. Often, K changes to a second project just before the first one is finished, thus failing to complete the first project. Sometimes she changes because she feels she needs a different challenge. K feels dejected. This feeling relates to her failures. This trait is very important in a working situation and in a relationship. She must be handled in a very special way to get the most work from her or to make a relationship last. Concerning this trait, personality modification is available to change her life.

K has a healthy imagination and displays a fair amount of trust. She lets new people into her circle of friends. She uses her imagination to understand new ideas, things, and people.

K exaggerates about everything that has a physical nature. Although she may not intend to deceive or mislead, she blows things way out of proportion because that is the way she views them. She will be a good story teller. This exaggeration relates to all areas of her material world. K allows many people into her life because she is accepting and trusting. She is sometimes called gullible by her friends. That only really means that she trusts too many people. K has a vivid imagination.

K has a very unusual lower zone y loop. If the data input is correct, K's y or g is large and opens up to the left side of the page. This is not a common trait, but the implications are very interesting. As you begin to study handwriting analysis, you will learn any loop indicates imagination. This lower loop indicates the amount of imagination K has regarding sex and physical things. So, her lower zone stroke is large, so her sexual imagination is large and open. Furthermore, because the loop is incomplete and extends to the left, this indicates a particular fascination with certain aspects of sexuality that have not been fulfilled, yet. In a nutshell, K is open to some very new ideas sexually and is willing to try anything once.

K has a very unusual lower zone y loop. If the data input is correct, K's y or g is large and has triangle shape to the lower loop. This is not a common trait, but the implications are very interesting. As you begin to study handwriting analysis, you will learn any loop indicates imagination. This lower loop indicates the amount of imagination K has regarding sex and physical things. Her lower zone stroke is large, so her sexual imagination is large and open. Furthermore, because the loop has a triangle shape, this indicates a particular curiosity with certain aspects of sexuality. In a nutshell, K is open to some very new ideas sexually and is willing to try anything once. I'd say K is quite a dynamic and playful lover. Watch out world!

For a graphologist, the spacing on the page reflects the writer's attitude toward their own world and relationship to things in his or her own space. If the inputted data was correct K has left some white space on the left side of the paper. K fills up the rest of the page in a normal fashion moving the entire writing rightward as she moves down the page. If this is true, then K has a healthy relationship to the past and is ready to move on. The right side of the page represents the future and K is ready and willing to get started living now and planning for the future. K is leaving the past behind and moving on to what she perceives as an exciting and enticing future."

Expatriation

I was reminded today that I lived a very sheltered life. I'm not going to go into the details of what triggered this reminder, but I realized that I had allowed myself to succumb to a very dangerous mindset - egocentrism. This is something I've spent a great portion of my life fighting against in other people because it was this nasty little bug that caused me great pain many years ago and from that I've been able to see how it causes pain in others. It is destructive and in the grand scheme of things, very little good comes of it.

For anyone who has caught the brunt of the version of me that's not myself that's been fermenting for the last 4 months or so, I'm sorry - so very, very sorry. In light of this, my mind often turns to my greatest Teacher. This particular gentleman (meant in the truest sense) is known to a number of other students as a master teacher. I've sat through many of his lectures but until I wasn't until college that I started to take stock in what he'd been trying to teach me all of those previous years. It was then, and only then, did the world open up further to my eyes. The times when I failed to remember my lessons were when a whole other Me was created - one that had fallen into a subconscious inawareness, where I wasn't what I really wanted to be. But, like the master teacher he was, he'd check in on me from time to time to see how I was doing and I'd awaken from the other conscious, and realize, again, almost with the same initial zeal as I had many years ago, that someone who is so afraid, unkind, unaware, stagnant and just wholly self-centered, wasn't for me.

So I walk away...

Forbidden cake?

I was in the shower this evening pondering life as I scrubbed it off at the same time, and I got to thinking (I do my most profound thinking while in the shower, btw) about defying idioms. There's one in particular that I've been at odds with lately, namely the one that goes "You can't have your cake and eat it too."

Why not?

I know this idiom refers the choices and sacrifices that must be made when we come to those penultimate crossroads in life, but I've come to despise the times when people use this phrase defensively or haphazardly in a debate. Who honestly thinks this could even possibly applies to every situation?

Yes, I will agree there are those situations that exist where you cannot have it both ways (i.e. simultaneously dating more than one individual for a substantial length of time, for the lack of a less pitiful example). And barring matters of the heart, where you really can't have it both ways, any other supposed "tough choice" where merely presents itself to me as a challenge with a less obvious solution just WAITING to be solved.

Maybe I'm taking this too lightly. Am I'm neglecting those situations where there are more than one scheming individual involved? No, no, no...I thought of those as well. In those pinches, it's just your job to out think the others. To very loosely reference "The Art of War", you must come to know you enemy if you are to defeat him. If you're as good as you think you are, you'll be able to jerry-rig the situation to your favor.

In light of the way this argument has turned, it almost seems like if you want your cake and to enjoy it, you need to work for it. Maybe it's really suppose to mean, you can have your cake after you've put in your time, have gone through the lengths to learn to make it correctly, being the mindful creator. And once it's reached its perfection, through trial and error, you'll have something worth enjoying.

...that is, unless you've become sick of testing cake and the frustration that can come piggy-backed with this ordeal, then in that case, you really would have your cake, but couldn't eat it, as well....

hmm....

Profit and learning

I once heard a statement that went something along the lines of, "Within every criticism, there is a kernel of truth. It is our duty to find this truth and build upon it." Now, it is not my intention to necessarily focus on criticism, constructive or otherwise, but rather the rooting out the kernel of truth. It seems like we often find ourselves in various situations where we consider ourselves fortunate or unfortunate, I know I do, but then I habitually ask myself, Why? I try not to ask this so much with the fortunate situations, but the latter begs it to be asked overwhelmingly more.

Asking Why in an unfortunate situation initially presents itself as a third-party plea for pity, but for some of us, its merely because we're trying to learn from our mistakes - rooting for that kernel of truth that we are to learn from and build upon, and I think it is this mind frame that needs to be striven for more by society. It possess an air of responsibility and ownership that seems to be lacking to a certain extent in today's society, as well as the spirit of progression. Yes, not-so-ideal things happen, some were under our control, others weren't. It is the essence of the advanced human race to progress forward, and that can only occur through learning:

1 : the act or experience of one that learns
2 : knowledge or skill acquired by instruction or study
3 : modification of a behavioral tendency by experience (as exposure to conditioning)

synonyms see knowledge from m-w.com


To learn is to apply knowledge, and what is knowledge but solidified truth....

The Midnight Musing Section

Curse the nights you can't sleep because you took a nap earlier in the day. *sigh*

Jill of all trades...and a balancing act of many

There was a time in my life when studying the human brain scared the crap out of me. It wasn't the physical anatomy of it, but more the applied physiology part of it all. I know, hard to believe, now that I'm strongly considering a specialty in Neuro rehabilitation in addition to sports medicine, and automatically psychoanalyze everyone as a result of my fields as well. One thing about neuroscience that has always fascinated me is hemispheric dominance. Those who are more Right brain dominant are the artists, creative thinkers, whereas the Left dominants are more apt with math, facts/figures, and science related items. So, what happens when you're supposedly both?

I recently took a self-administered exam that was to generally suggest which side of your gray matter was more dominant, after the scoring had completed it was apparent that I was...equal... right and left brained. Talk about frustration! Here I am, a woman of science, and yet....I half wish I had pursued a career in a more creative arena. I recently commented to my roommate and her boyfriend that if I was smarter that I would have gone into music. I realize I had misspoke when I implied that someone has to be more intelligent to tackle music than a science profession, or that I was regretting my decision to pursue physical therapy. I love my work in athletic training and physical therapy, but I was blessed with a mind that likes and loves a lot of other things...

I admired those who, in their chosen profession, are ultimately driven and focused; those who have TRULY specialized. There are days I wish I was that focused in what I do. These are they who I think make the great discoveries because they don't bog their mind with irrelevant information. Maybe they do and I'm just vying after an intellectual gift that I wasn't meant to have. Maybe I'm just jealous. Actually, I am jealous. I've always wanted to be one of those people with a photographic memory who could do multivariable calculus and diff eq in their sleep while they save Africa from a starvation epidemic with some brilliant economic idea and pretty much performed any task given to them with flawless execution. Flawless. mind you.

Some might say that this impossible delusion is what drives me to force myself into experience various things, but if that was the case, I wouldn't be as ultimately happy as I am, I don't believe. (PS, blogger's spell check is faulty, it didn't recognize ulitmately as being incorrect... and still doesn't actually). I'd be in a consistently stressed state of depression from continually recognizing that I'm falling short of my ideal. Always. Perfection cannot exist in this mortal life. But we can sure as hell try...

I may be a master of none of my interests, but I think the key is not necessarily how much is instantly retained and immaculately applied, granted that is a large component, rather the heart that goes into it. This is most likely the still jealous part of me jabbering but I don't care. Barring raw, innate talent, I think you'd be hard pressed to find someone you admire who didn't take an active interest in their work. They're constantly reseraching, studying, making sure information is correct and current. They analyze what's working for them, what isn't and make appropriate adjustments. They, too, have their own ultimate goal for which they are striving but weren't afraid to do what it took to go after it. (Even though I'm not necessarily referring to formal occupations, this probably could be applied to that realm to a certain extent. To me, a job is work that you don't like but it's a paycheck. An occupation isn't work, but activities that could be described as a job, but you wouldn't know it. All about the mindframe).

So how do you reconcile what you want with what you know you're pretty much given?

My advice...stop comparing yourself to others and concern yourself with culturing your own level of interest, as long as you enjoy it. As soon as you stop enjoying whatever is important to you is when you need to take a break, step back, and let the scales balance out.

The road to the exta mile is never busy...

I remember when my oldest brother had just begun college, it was when email was first making it's mark on society. We had this whole list of instructions to perform to (for the most part I remember having to hit the return key 4 times on two separate occasions - but back then I had that routine down PAT!) just to be able to send this message over some modem connection through ASU servers and on to BYU. However, as the world wide web progressed to version 2.0 from the analog green screen action we were introduced to, his emails one day had this tagline at the end: "The road to the extra mile is never busy."

This phrase struck me much like any other meaningful phrase would, but it found it's way to my soul, for lack of a better, less cliche phrase. It's curiously amazing at how true that phrase is, that the road to the extra mile is never busy, but why? What is it about putting forth that above-par effort that is so repulsive? It's true, as organic organisms who are bound to the laws and suggestions of physics and chemistry, we tend to prefer paths of least resistance. It conserves energy, allowing us to store up for more worthy and worthwhile ventures. It also keeps us out of messy matters, thereby saving the added extra resources devoted to clean-up. I'm sure there are other reasons that I haven't mulled over while sitting here, but for the time being, we'll play with these.

And then you have those who don't mind expending the extra energy. What is it about being around those who don't mind taking the extra time that almost makes you, the regular Joe Shmoe, mildly guilty, or envious, jealous, or resentful of that other individual? I guess it depends on how we value our time and involvement in a project as it's compared to effectiveness. We tend to put more time and effort into things we value and have an interest in, whereas those other items and projects that are left over get assigned a lower level on the priority totem pole, leaving them at the mercy of superficial attention. To be fair, though, it would be near impossible to give everything in our lives equal amount of attention.

But we can sure the hell try.... Why? Why not. I guess my biggest problem with peers being lackadaisical when it comes to helping one another. One of my interests is people. I love people (everyone has a story to tell), and I can't remember a time when I didn't really like people. Yes, I know there are those out there who feel the exact opposite of me on this topic, but hear me out and allow me to make a case for improved quality of civil service. At the root of it all, people need each other (sorry, Bon Jovi). It doesn't necessarily matter for what purpose, but, again, at the root, I believe it to be psychological. In this particular time when we're the most psychologically distant from those we don't know, I believe many of our problems, both personal and social, could be mediated, curbed, remedied, what have you, by the simple investment of time and genuine interest. That man next to you in the street is your brother whether you like it or not, and in the end, each other is all we've got. The least we can do is take care of one another.

Yes, it may take some time out of our busy schedules, but the road to the extra mile is never busy... and I believe the potential benefits, while not assured, to be worth the effort.

To one it was given 5 and to another 3....

What is it about the experiences that we don't have that make them so attractive? The proverbial greener grass, I suppose, but at the same time, I can't help but be curious. I'm curious to what about each of our lives that warrant certain people to experience certain things and others not. Additionally, there seems to be more ways to skin a cat when it comes to learning a central concept. In my short-sighted view, I cannot help but relate my life to this case.

For instance, a good friend of mine was recently told by a significant other that it was time they go separate ways after being together for nearly 2 years and it's been evident that it's hit my friend very hard. He's been muscling through it, but I've coached enough of my friends through relationship endings to know better. I've always found a bit of irony when I find myself in a well-worn confidant seat in that I've never been in a long standing relationship and, in theory, I should be the last person anyone turns to for understanding, sympathy, and salving advice. Maybe it's because I just happen to be standing there at the time, who knows, but at the same time, what is a love lost but nothing more than a lost friend. And I know lost friends.

I've always wondered what my friends were suppose to have learned from failed relationships. I believe everything happens for a reason, for our own profit and learning if you will (and I will). For everyone it's different with every episode, for some it's to learn respect, for others, it might be to gain emotional strength, and for yet another it might be to learn to be selfless. But, if I may be selfish for a moment, I can't help by wonder why I've never had that luxury. Everytime I express this sentiment, I'm consistently told that I'm lucky, but is that true? To never have that banter with another human being, to never have a broken heart....it almost seems to be part of the quintessential human experience to have your heart broken at least once.

However, while I cannot sympathize, I can empathize. I may not have a resume for matters of the heart, but I do have a resume for interpersonal relationships. And as I said before, what is love lost, but nothing more than a lost friend. Love comes in many forms, and the purest form, the kind that lasts forever, I believe is a combination of them all. In my profession, I don't just treat musculoskeletal conditions, I treat people. It's on that basic level that I maintain everything should exist, and that is how I treat my patients and athletes. I treat them as a person, and is that not how a friend treats another friends, or a lover treats a significant other?

So I guess the moral of the story is that I should consider myself lucky... and yet I still wonder about that other patch of grass...

and for those of you who are still curious, I've never had a relationship because the timing has never been right. My education and my work present a daunting exterior to prospective suitors - someone like me is not for the faint of heart. I've always remained open to the challenge and the opportunity of devoting myself to just one person, however, there are some lessons I still need to learn apparently before I am granted that privilege. And it is a privilege.... never treat it like it isn't. Until then, I devote myself to the people I am called upon to mend...

Hope for the pack rats

I know I shouldn't be writing this, but I am anyway. Over the past few days, I've been thinking about how I don't really keep records of my life in traditional ways. I've tried journals, believe me, but I just can't keep them. I'm insanely lazy when it comes to documenting my existence formally, and I use to make the excuse that my being a pack rat does that for me anyway. It's true, I keep just about everything. There are those out there cringing at the very thought of all the stuff that I've accumulated, but I can't help it. I'm a sentimentalist, it's my way of showing what I've done and where I've been (sort of), it helps me remember past times, and it's bailed me out of some sticky situations (like when I was applying to PT schools - THIS IS WHY YOU KEEP YOUR SYLLABI!).

Yet, at the rate of accumulation I'm currently proceeding at, I'm going to end up like my father. Not that I don't love my father, believe you me, I am my father's child (in many more ways than one), but there just comes a time when there is too much stuff to go through. When I feel so fed up with the stuff that I have, I wish I was more judicial and pragmatic as my mother (and just so you know, I'm as equally like my mother as I am my father - it's the price I pay being the baby of 3 kids, the older 2 are 7-9 years head of me, respectively). So you can see where my internal torment arises from, lol. Yet I can't bring myself to throw certain things away. I guess it's because I have this looming fear that I'm going to forget. I hate forgetting. I've been forgotten by my peers a number of times when I was growing up and I vowed that I would never do that to someone else. As a consequence of that vow and also being a very visual person, I need physical things to help keep me on track with that goal, a goal that has expanded beyond interpersonal relationships to every other aspect of my life.

I guess keeping things also feeds my other pseudoly subconscious fear of never being known. For example, the only way anyone outside of my athletic training program would have known that I had been there and performed as well as I did (or at least think I did) would be if you looked at the injury treatment records, a few select game films or talked to my CI's. At the same time, I get slapped with examples that my fears are silly and superficial ( like when I hear about former athletes still asking for me to treat them).

What is it about being forgotten that bothers me? Why do I even care so much? I guess I just want my progeny to know that they're ancestor lived. Some may never get the chance to know me, and I want them to know that they had a good example to look to, and from whom they might have gotten some of their traits. *smirk* It may also have to do the fact that I draw most of my identity from my relatives. I had a cool experience this summer where I was finally introduced to two sections of my family that I had only heard about but never met. The first being my biological grandfather's side of the family as a whole. Due to some poor decisions on my grandfather's part, he's never been apart of my life, and as a consequence neither have my great uncles and subsequent cousins on that side, until my great uncle "Shorty" passed away out in Dallas area. Consequently enough, his funeral coincided with my family's trip to see my brother out in Dallas, so we had the opportunity to attend. That was probably one of the sweetest, most self-defining occasions of my life, as I came to know a man who I wish I had known in this mortal life - what a good soul he was, and what he had meant to my father. Also, that man's children and what good people they were, and that it was only my grandfather who was the only "bad seed" so to speak. I had cousins! This probably isn't as exciting to some people, but when you come from a relatively small family, it means a little more.

Also, consequently, I had the opportunity to meet my father's father. The man that I had never known and was discouraged to ask my father about...he was nothing more than a man to me. We were cordial to one another and that was about it. It was weird for me to look at him and think this is my grandfather and to not have any sort of attachment come flooding over me like I do when I think of my mother's father, and even then he passed away when I was 12. The last thing I need this to turn into is a sob story about the lack of male authority figures in my life, but at the same time, it explains so much of me...

Due to my birth order, I've had to come to know many of the people in my life through their writings, their possessions, records, pictures, scraps of paper, knicknacks, and stories! My example for this comes from my great aunt's funeral I attended to support my father's mother out in Safford, AZ. My grandmother came from a fairly large family in the Pima, AZ area, which is a large farming community. A number of her siblings stayed local or in surrounding smaller towns, and since my grandmother moved to the valley after she married, that's another section of family I had never really known. I met some at a family reunion back in 1997, but I was 13 and who are we kidding, I barely remember meeting anyone. (I also realize now that everytime I lose a relative, I gain about 15 more at their funeral). But to get off that tangent, for my grandmother's family, I had only known them through stories and letters and a few pictures. It was a treat to finally put faces with the names I had so often heard from her. Meeting my great-aunts and reintroducing myself to the great-uncles and the various cousins was different - I formed attachments that day, ones that I didn't even know about until months later. (My great aunt Elouise later told my grandmother in a phone call that I was the first person in a long time who had just treated her like a human being when I met her - a great source of pride for my grandmother for one (I'll explain another time) but also for me, as that comment was a measurement for how I treat people I barely know).

I get jealous of those who still have their great grandparents living and have both sets of grandparents with lots of cousins to bend upon, but at the same time, I wouldn't wouldn't change much about my family... only that I wish we all lived much closer to one another so I can hear the stories on a more regular basis and feel the love and safety more often.

Moral of the story: it's okay to be a pack rat...

This past week I had major frustrations with the AC at the office. Oh...it only went out for about three days. It got so hot at some points we had to cancel patients for a day and a half and then it melted the rollers on our postage meter. lol that stuff was lacquered! heavens. there really are days I hate being back in that little room with 4 computer towers and 15 other things that create copious amounts of heat. *fans herself* but things are back online.

So needless to say it's been an easy week work wise, I didnt even have to go in to Swift! So no truckers and a sketchy office climate made for a relatively low stress week for me. In the mean time, it's been a lot of reading, lots of movies, lots of time spent on the art site making up for months of neglect. oy. Yes, I've hit the bottom of the social chain, but y'know it's not so bad. my only thing is that when I actually want to go do something, I have no where to go. Funny how in tiny little Provo, I had more to do or at least more options to make up stuff to do. In the 5th largest city, my options are limited as I don't drink or golf...and have an overprotective mother. Ironic.

I almost feel like a prodigal son ( or daughter in this case ) right now as I sit here typing. It's been over year since I've approached the Anger Management Seminar. Partially because Im not really angry anymore...okay that's a lie, somewhat, but life has been more than interesting since I was accepted into the athletic training program at BYU. And for the record, I think it's best to read this blog while listening to "Kindly Unspoken" by Kate Voegele on repeat.

Anyway, I know Im not the best journal writer. I sit and claim that I write better than I talk, which, while true, forgets the small adendem that I might not write on a consistently frequent basis. There are some reasons for this accompanied with excuses: I'll admit it, Im a creature that tends to go the path of least resistance unless I have a deadline. I have given in to being trained to requiring a deadline to get things done. Clearly this is a phase of the common man I need to overcome, but that will be a long hard habit to fight, so don't expect immediate results - primarily because it doesnt have a deadline. Besides being lazy, long days and early classes didn't help. Being in the athletic training program means you willingly sign your life over to the Athletic Department for a 2 year service project, and I mean this in the kindest, but most practical way ever. Some people I dont think understood what life as a student trainer entailed until they were neck deep into their schedules - these are they who I think complain and refuse to take advantage of the situation. In the program, some things are handed to you, but there's a good deal that you have to seek out yourself if you're going to glean everything you can from being there. Then there were those who knew a good deal of what they were getting into - these are they who, while not exactly happy about the situation, make the best from day to day. I fit somewhere in between these two. I partially understood what the program would demand of me, but my mother taught me to finish what I started. This principle is one of a few things that has kept me going through the days of drudgery.

On the outside, student training has the blatant appearance of usery, but it took me getting to know my staff trainers and my players to give that "usery" more of a sense of meaning. Yes, I'm required to be at practice 1.5 hrs early, and I have to stay later until everyone is treated and the paperwork is done. Yes, that cuts into classes I need to take during key hours. Yes, that requires me to take the bulk of my classes early in the morning, or in the evening, or one night a week from teachers that may or may not be the best at teaching that subject. Yes, it's the kiss of death for my social life, hobbies, or other pleasurable things I enjoy. But y'know what...we're adaptable, and I've done it. Yes, I about killed myself doing it, but I'm still alive, damn it, and I now know my limits, and i wouldnt trade that knowledge for an easier lifestyle. I wouldn't know how clutch my softball girls are, or how sweet my football boys, or how trusting my volleyball girls. I wouldnt be able to practice, or experiement with my knowledge. I wouldn't have relied upon my Heavenly Father as much to help me finish my day. Looking back on this past year, yes it was a pain, but once I'm in the training room, I can forget about the world for a moment - it's my time to be something to someone else who has come to depends on me. In my view, it's the involvement that changes the usery to learning. I refuse to be dragged down unwilling. That's how others get the best of you, I've found. How I respond is my choice and I like to hold the upper hand - that's how I mastered this beast of a schedule. Im grateful for the friends I've made along the way, because without them, it would have been harder to adjust.

With that diatribe over, ugh! let's move on to the more entertaining things. As you've probably guessed, sports was my life this year, but we had some pretty entertaining times back at the apt. and in my ward. Some highlights: Mary's dating season (5 guys at once, 4 of them in the same room one night); Sayaka's cakes and Josiah; Berkley, our 6th roommate; Kelsey's Wedding (and for a while Boyd, our other 6th roommate before Berkley); teasing Caleb at the Remmington's and Brother Remmington enjoying that so much, he was sure Caleb and I would hook up; Riley only talking to me because I was a trainer for the football team; THE DINNER GROUP!!!! And my reaction when I found out that Allan had a girlfriend back home; staying friends with Allan; Class of doooooom; Liann's smoothie parties; Stu's music; Swing dancing; my softball girls kicking the frickin crap out of Utah and making it to the 2nd round of NCAA tourney; Dr. Knight; getting to know "Cleatus" - surprising at how sweet he really is underneath all the gruffness; my football boys - EJ and never knowing his real name ( and I KNOW it's not Everlasting Joy), Justin's comments, Craig's comments, Jayson's wrist and sweetness, Judd requesting me to tape him; Billy and Adam, Gordo's flirting even though he's a married man, Sean My Camel, The Freshman ( OHHHH Grant and Isley), Sean Nu'a and Hala Paongo - two of the best polys ever born, Nate's pseudo pessimism, Dan Coates' 5 bucks on my first day; pickle juice; my own little blow torch; Steve, the asst. equip manager thinking my name was Tiffany; getting to know Tom Hunt and ADORABLE wife; Rich Nehring dutifulness; Leo's whining, and how he NEVER came in for treatment; Todd Watkins' and I somehow agreeing that I had black in me because I had a black name; Joe Semanoff's daily treatment discussions; Spad and Chencer; Eddie Keele wearing our tape jobs to practice when we hadn't passed off for taping yet; Curtis Brown cutting off my circulation while taping my ankle; Mike Fischer recognizing me on campus even though he wasnt on my squad; JP - enough said; Spencer Rickertsen (spencer!!); BENCH BALL!!!; Black Cherry powerade concoctions; Not getting anything because we were on the second rotation; learning from George =); Having coach Crowton tell my guys to back off his 1st string offense (hell yes); Lut's tacky suits; the same christmas CD over and over; Chris' sense of humor; Sean Nu'a trading a steak dinner for Amy's beanie. My volleyball girls! - Amy Schlauder introducing herself to me first off and saying we'd be seeing a lot of each other; Lexi's particular preference for Gaye, her rolled up shorts, but being a clutch hitter in tough game situations; enduring my second coach firing - congratulations jason; Jason supposedly being from Australia, even though I SWEAR he's from germany; Stim and Study Sessions; Anatomy; my taping regulars; BEING WITH LINDZ!; half of the Mens team coming to practice; Jenna - way too many laughs; Goody's hand; Stacey's hand; Goody looking too much like Mary's sister; Lolo coming to trust my taping; Louie's compliment; quality time with E Lott; converting E Lott and Goody to becoming trainers - we think; yellow powerade; teaching Hulse the pathways of the heart; quality time with the Men's team; "so ninja"; Michael Burke being our model for the venous system; Carlos - his break up with E Lott, his miff with Ashley ( who replaced Lindz ), and teaching him how to tape; LEARNING FROM GAYE!; getting to know Gaye; autonomy; the stretching routine fiasco; Cala!; Friendship with Joe Hillman; Rachel Dyer's reasoning "But Kate said I could!"; lasering Jenna; having to break it to them that I wouldn't be with them in fall; my girls DATING my football boys - just when you thought your worlds wouldn't overlap; having them put their complete trust and faith in your abilities. Aaron Well's comparing me to Jodie Foster; Dr. Draper being bipolar without his meds; Dr. Mack - can't follow his lectures, but he's so wickedly cool!; Dr. Mack picking on me since I was "the trainer" of the class; Ty surfing the conference table to Hawaii Five-0; bonding with the semestermates; Judd's lil boy; Dan.; Kathy being the truly reasonable one; Microbiology and squiggly things; Slurpee runs on Monday's; Being the world's coolest FHE mom; my canadians; "Your Father" and "Joe" - there is a difference; Bruce's hair - nothing softer or redder; the secret personality of Jared Oaks; being officially dubbed "The Doctor" - and treating the ward for almost every illness and sports medical issue; the Dr. Love scandal; Six little snowmen; becoming friends with Allan; Paul Aylworth's cynicism being overturned by a little kindness; BENJAMIN RUSSEN FORSTNER; Country Dancing with Kathy; Swing dancing at The House; RED'S!!! (in memoriam); The Dutchman; It's Raining Men; Liann's many men and going to INDIAHHHHHH; the best phone in the world - The Communicator; Men's volleyball games; Michael Burke - enough said; three dates in a day and a half; Spring Semester - rooming with Sam and Wendy; gaining a new sister in Sam; Fridays at Guru's; Bruce and Jacob; Kelvin and Aaron; My boy's in #14; Chemistry 106 with half my football team and some amazing brainiacs with one wicked awesome TA; Chem 107 lab with a TA who was unknowingly after my own heart and sarcastic beyond belief - he really softens when you call him on it, it's surprising; the wannabe surgeon; always being the last one done; Dr. Linford's homework assignments - 30 hrs of chemistry a week; HIS TESTS!; Dr. Linford almost blowing himself up; teaching Sam how to play catch with Shawn; my dancing class; Crushing on my TAs; the Crash Apt.; Hender; School of Rock; Spencer, Sam, and the Newsroom; Forehead Kissing Steve; Chemistry Quiz comments; Somehow getting a d*** B in the class; heart to hearts with Sam; growing closer to friends with whom I may never associate again with in the future - but you never know. And I came home...

It's been a busy year, and while mentally exhausted, it was a good year. Im still recouperating, but by the time the 29th rolls around, I'll be ready to go out fighting. I just hope it's ready for me. Y'all be good. Until next time...

So I was thinking to myself, and I said self.... I'm going to break the chain. I'm getting off the bandwagon. *hops up on the soapbox* I'm fixing the broken record!!! I'M GOING TO BE CONSISTENT WITH MY BLOGS!!!

*hands begin to shake from the detox*

And so....I shall begin.....tomorrow =D


Quiznage

1. Your name spelled backwards.
etak...sounds like an internet investment company doesnt it?
2. Where were your parents born?
Not here, lol
3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
The latest version of iTunes *busts a move*
4. What's your favorite restaurant?
PF Changs, Pete's, Cafe Rio, Wendys on weak moments, Melting Pot *drools*, and Sonic for their cherry limeades MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
5. Last time you swam in a pool?
you know, that's a great question. I think it was back in february sometime before I started jumping.
6. Have you ever been in a school play?
Nope...Im good if I dont sweat profusely during a piano recital!
7. How many kids do you want?
Three or four, I'd be willing to go to 5, possibly 6, but they're going to be adopted.
8. Type of music you dislike most?
Rap and the lastest trends in R&B are turning me off
9. are you registered to vote?
I sure am! Can I choose neither for the next election? I will vote to elect ashipoo! Boo to the yah!
10. Do you have a car?
I surely do. It's purty, but its dirty
11. Have you ever ridden on a moped?
Not that I recall. *looks at the questionaire weirdly*
12. Ever prank call anybody?
Im still planning it.
13. Ever get a parking ticket?
squeaky clean!
14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Maybe, if I could find someone to go with me.
15. Farthest place you ever traveled?
Farthest from here would have to be London
16. Do you have a garden?
I live in Arizona...I need Cacti!
17. What's the size of your bed?
queen at home + 62 quilts, and the wonderful..single up in the cubby hole in Utah
18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?
Am I American?
19. Bath or Shower, morning or night?
Either, but in the morning to wake me up
20. Best movie you've seen in the past 4 months?
Movies? what are those?
21. What's the next movie you want to see?
Van Helsing *drools* Oh Hugh....
22. Chips or popcorn?
Totally depends on my mood.
23. Have you ever broken any hearts?
Sadly, yes. *sniffles* It was hard...but it had to be...
24. Premarital sex?
ROTFLOL I cant even get a boyfriend, lets be honest here
25. Are you a good cook?
I like to think so. No one's died yet =)
26. Orange or Apple juice?
Usually orange in the morning, but I've had hankerings for apple lately
27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine?
Rob and Jill, and we went out to a local Chinese restaurant in Thatcher, Arizona! woohoo!!
28. Favorite type of drink?
cherry limeades =D
29. Best thing in the world?
Laughter, and good company
30. Have you ever broken a bone?
Nope!! heheheehe!
31. Have you ever won a trophy?
Course, psh. lol jk, but I did get some small stuff from middle school...funny how it stopped after that *furrows brow*
32. What is your favorite board game?
Life! Card Game? strip poker =^D
33. What is your dream car?
68 mustang convertible =D dark blue
34. Ever order an article from an infomercial?
Like the Gazelle?! nope
35. Coke or Pepsi?
Coke, hands down.
36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?
Yup, every day to work! got my scrubbies!
37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy?
Pharmacy? Guaifenesin
38. Who are you going to marry?
Hell, if I know
39. Who would you like to meet?
David Dellucci, Mark Grace =)
40. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Yes and no.
41. What features do you find most attractive in the opposite sex?
Eyes, smile, sense of humor.
42. Where would you go for a romantic evening?
Decisions, decisions. Anywhere in the smokies
43. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
more than I use to =D
44. Last song stuck in your head?
Hungarian Rhapsody
45. Any pets?
My baby puppy Manti
46. What's your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character?
Linda Richman, The Church Lady, and things Anna Gestyer/Will Farrell/Cheri Oteri
47. What is one thing you would like to learn to do?
Learn to ride english saddle, or bloody drive stick!
48. What do you do when you are bored?
Stare at the wall, mess around online, call people and see what they're doing and if I can come annoy them... You know, the usual.
49. If you could go anywhere in the world right now, where would you go? Europe!
50. What is one thing you are grateful for today?
Being alive (I started to nod off driving home from thatcher yesterday EEK!)

I miss volleyball and Ive been having nightmares about marriage....