Forest for the Saplings

My mother told me a story today about a 3rd grade class at her school who I find myself wanting very much to meet. They read a story this year about a girl who was half-Caucasian and half-Native American that introduced the children to what life is like where traditions and social norms have been upset. I wasn't given particulars of the story, but the only thing the girl has in her possession is her "sack of promises", which consists of memories and items that mean something to her, that define who she is and where she comes from.

The teacher of this 3rd grade class challenged her students to go home and bring back their own sacks of promises (items that mean something to them, the 6 or so things that they'd take from a burning house, etc). The teacher was tentative secondary to her experience with this assignment with her class last year, who brought in more banal items, like candy, etc. However, this current group of children surprised her.

One student, who my mother described as "ADHD to the max", pulled a flower from his sack. As he pondered it in his hands, he told of a time when he was in a field filled with blossoms. Twirling it between his fingers, he went on to explain that this flower meant something to him because it was the only one of its kind, and it reminded him that, like this flower, he was an individual.

Another student's sack contained two coins, one foreign and the other domestic. The first coin was from Uzbekistan, reminding him of the place he was born and the orphanage he was from. The second coin was from the US, representative of the opportunities that he now has available to him.

And those were just two.

All I could think as my mother related this to me was "How amazing..." My mind immediately began to light up and I became excited for this group of students who have such insights into themselves and humanity at such an age. It's been a long time since I've come across a young one which such an awareness, and it refreshes me. Now all I have to do is hope and pray they don't lose this ability to see the forest beyond the trees.

The Inconvenience of Independence?

I had an argument with my mother today (not surprising) about my long term plan for my life: where I was going to work, where I was going to live, and the like. In all seriousness, it was a reprise of the grilling I got from my Dad and oldest brother on said brother's birthday some 7 weeks ago. I reminded her I was only in my 3rd week of my first rotation, but that didn't matter. I failed to get across to her that I hadn't the slightest where I was going to work because I didn't really KNOW what kind of therapy I wanted to practice, other than I knew I didn't want to work in Acute Care for at least the first 3 years of my career. After some further repartee, I started to get really frustrated, and I mean really frustrated with her. She wanted a definitive answer, and I didn't have one for her, which ALWAYS leads her to pontificating about what I need to do. I love my mother, but I'm 25 years old, I've lived on my own for 7 years, I've battled sexist bigots, 6 PT schools and their interviews without her holding my hand and that's just the short list.

In the end, she subtly let me in on what was really bothering her - she felt out of the loop in my life. "You don't communicate with me," she said and I pertly responded, still carrying over from being cornered about the whole thing, "Why do I need to about this?" She knows I'm independent and exactly how independent I am, and I think that kind of scared her a little. What kind of gets me more is the potential sense she was emanating that I wouldn't her in my life down the road. Yes, I am very independent in many ways and I have skills that would allow me to pick up and move anywhere, settle in, and be just fine. But now, after this afternoon, I find that I'm asking myself, is it worth it to be this self-sufficient?

Finding the balance between including/excluding my family in my life is obviously delicate. I love my family, but over the course of my life, I've learned to adapt to situations where I don't have the safe haven of others to fight my battles - and it's not that I wanted it that way, it just happened. Some people tell their mother everything, but much like me, my mom has the answer to everything (shocker, I know), correct answers, mind you, and being essentially the same person as my mother, I don't like being preached to about something I already know. So, in order to prevent the broken record from playing, I've learned to become selective in what I tell her. (Oh, the beauty of learned habits).

However, the connection between us has made her aware of this, and as a result, she feels like she is not needed. One central trait my mother and I share - we need to be needed. We define ourselves and our worth by our service to others and when one creation of ours doesn't check in as often as the others do.... you get the picture. In some ways, it almost makes me wish I wasn't as independent as I am, but I can't shake the indispensable nature it has in my life. It has defined who I am, it is my buffer, my drive, and most importantly, to me, it is my justification. I hate being accused of doing/saying/thinking/feeling something because someone else told me to, or because it was expected of me - you really don't know how it irritates me.

My thirst for self-sufficiency fulfills some sort of innate need I have to be considered my own person... but is it worth the expense of alienating those I love? The logical answer would be no, but at this particular crossroad, I don't have a firm resolution. As much as we joke about other people who have stronger umbilical cords still attached to their family, how are we any different? There will always be a need to share what we feel is important with the ones we love - I guess we just need to resynchronize on what's important for each other to know...

Government Subsidized Medicine

I'll make this short, sweet and to the point. If you're still doubting what a more global picture of health care subsidized by the Federal Government is like, look at the V.A. Hospitals and Indian Health Services. For the most part, the only good found there come from the people who actually care about their jobs enough to fight the red tape and go beyond what their tax-payer salaries offer them.

I rest my case.

Last time I checked, we all bleed red blood.

While earning my undergraduate degree, I took a class on interpersonal relations. During one lecture, our professor taught us that there are as many as 8 different kinds of love. There is obviously romantic love, but there is also pragmatic love, egocentric love, platonic love, altruistic love, companionate love, manic love, and so forth. Today, however, I’d like to discuss with you about the kind of love that encompasses, supercedes and moderates all of those - the kind of love that is intended in Moses 7:33, where Heavenly Father says to Enoch,

“And unto thy brethren have I said, and also given commandment, that they should love one another, and they should choose me, their Father;”

This direction, which is the same that is described in Matthew 22:36-40, Luke 10:25-27, and again in Mosiah 4:15, represents the purest, fullest, and truest form of love that is able to be learned – Godly love, the love a Creator has for the workmanship of His hand.

The scriptures are replete with examples of Godly love. In the New Testament, the Savior identifies that the first and greatest thing we can do is to wholly love our Father in Heaven, or, in other words, to “choose” Him. And the next best thing we can do, which will help us to attain eternal life if practiced earnestly, is to love one another. Why is this significant? The Lord gives us the answer in Matthew 22:40:

“On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.”

How true this is, especially when we look at our purpose here in this life. Before we came to Earth, we were spirits who lived with our Heavenly Parents and when we expressed a desire to be like our Heavenly Father, He developed a plan that would allow us to become exactly as he is (to have gained a body of flesh and bone, to have the knowledge and power that he has, to be immortal and to have chosen to do so.). Our time in this mortal existence would be our classroom and proving ground, for which a syllabus would be provided to guide our choices and to ensure the appropriate learning had occurred. To put all in this in place and to enact it took Godly love from Heavenly Father and the Savior, and it is upon the principle of that love the laws given to man were founded. It is this same love, and all its subtypes we are here to learn. So, how does all the law hang on these two commandments? How are they so all encompassing?

Let’s look at what he says first: Choosing the Father

A true love of God precipitates a man’s faith in his Creator, by way of trust, obedience, and hope. A man’s faith in a loving, literal Heavenly Father is a daily choice, brought about by way of honoring what God has asked him to do, as well as by much study, meditation, prayer, humility, and believing, which is answered by God through blessings, and the great teacher and revelator, the Holy Ghost. As a man continues in this fashion, he increases in truth, knowledge, and light; he weathers life’s tests more readily. As he seeks to understand the divine outline Heavenly Father has for him, his relationship with God becomes more individual, personal and reverenced, thus increasing in love and the cycle continues in this way. I believe the key here is the obedience that comes from this love.

Now, let’s look at the second component: Loving One Another

Love can be defined as unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another. If this is so, then the Savior’s love for us is truly perfect. In 3 Nephi 27:27 as well as in Matthew5:48, we are commanded to become as he is, and invited to live the Higher Law. In order for that to happen, we must learn to love as He loves, for love is the only thing strong enough to allow us to forgive when an offence has occurred; to endear the less fortunate to us, to render us patience, to allow us to hope, to feed our faith, and to bind us together as families through any number of disagreements and joys. This is evidenced by our baptismal covenants, found Mosiah 18: 8-9, to which we are bound to uphold if we want to gain eternal life:

“8…willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;

9. Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.”

Learning to love people we don’t have an attachment to is hard, I’m not going to lie, but it will come with time the more you actually practice it, whether you feel love beyond yourself or not. Allow me to cite two examples.

When I was little, my parents had my brothers and I involved in doing what my mother called “good works.” These good works ranged from staying after every church activity to help clean up, showing up to every Young Women’s service project, making meals for new mothers or post-op recoverers, volunteering at the hospital, you name it, we did it. For the longest time, I never fully understood why we were (or at least what I thought) guilted, or trapped into doing these things; I just assumed we were doing it because no one else was going to do it. However, helping out became a habit, and as years passed and I matured, I learned through trial, error, and many hours of long suffering what it was to fill a need.

Example #2. When my oldest brother was in medical school, he’d often complain about the types of people he’d see during his rotations (the biggest patient population that my mother and I would tease him about was pediatrics, because he felt like he couldn’t talk to them intelligently. Now, you have to understand, if you’ve ever seen the TV show “Frazier”, my brother is Niles Crane.). My family and I subsequently took it upon ourselves to educate him during his early medical training on what it mean to truly be a doctor: that it extends beyond the science. Mind you, my brother isn’t an unfeeling individual at all, he has a very big heart, but it needed some higher education, if you will. Fast-forward a few years. During his residency, he related two experiences that signaled to me that he had progressed, and had, in my opinion, grown as a physician.

The first experience, he called me at the end of one day to tell me that I’d be proud of him. Naturally, I was curious. He proceeded to explain to me that he had just gotten off a night shift in the care units where he had gone in and checked in on every single one of his patients personally, turning off their televisions and room lights as he left so they could sleep. To one patient in particularly, he read aloud a small stack of cards they had received in the mail before turning out the lights. The second experience, he emailed me last year after working a shift at the children’s hospital with a little story of a little girl who had to get an MRI:

A little present for you - I was working in the MRI scanner today and took care of a little 9 y/o girl who came in for a repeat MRI brain for evaluation of her seizure disorder. What made me think of you today was the little girl came in clutching a stuffed saber-toothed tiger in her arms [much like yours]. She looked very cute with it and I promised her her tiger would be with her throughout the scan even though she'd be under general anesthesia. Since the tiger itself contained no metal, this wasn't a problem. The scene was so memorable that I had to [tell] you…the little girl under general inside, and the readily identifiable tail of her stuffed saber-toothed tiger lying on top while she went through the study. Don't let it ever be said that I don't have a soft spot.

I told my brother the same thing after each of these experiences, “Now you know what it means to be a doctor.”

What my brother and I had were a change and a progression of heart. We began to feel love for those we barely knew because we then began to see them more as our Father and Savior saw them: as our brothers and sisters, regardless of race, religion, creed, body type, hair color, financial status, or orientation. As Elder M. Russell Ballard stated in a talk from the April 2001 Conference, “…a doctrine of inclusion…That is what we believe…If we are truly disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ, we will reach out with love and understanding to all of our neighbors at all times.” As my mother always said, “We all bleed red blood.”

It really is wonderful how simple the Gospel really is. If you truly love your Father in Heaven, as well as your neighbor, then you’ll do everything that needs to be done in order to return to live with God. With love, we become increasingly concerned, as Enoch did, for the welfare of that co-worker, the woman who sits next to us on the bus, or the man at the grocer. As we more fully reconcile ourselves to Heavenly Father’s plan, the more we’ll want to share it with others, be it those who we see in this chapel from week to week, or those whom we have yet to. I guess the Beatles were on the right track when they said “All you need is love.” Now, to echo the Savior at the end of the parable of the Good Samaritan, I challenge you to “go, and do likewise.”

To this I add my testimony...

You are 16, going on...90.... =)

There are days I wish I could be as immortal with a pen and paper as Jane Austen, regardless of the life she led that created her stories. At any rate, I recently returned from a celebration of life that prompted some of her words to my mind:

"What a pleasant life might be had in this world
by a handsome, sensible old lady of good fortune,
blessed with a sound constitution and a firm will!"

As you're probably suspecting, yes, the life I celebrated is my grandmother's, who turned 90 this past weekend and is going amazingly strong. Indeed, her's is a life to be celebrated, especially when you look at the progeny she's produced. We're small compared to some families, but we love each other and there's never a short of laughter when her children get together. We all have our stories, which end up being a part of her's, and one can imagine how lengthy that can get with each year that goes by.

Some Nutritious "Food For Thought" for the Gym-goer

My remarks for this most recent pearl of wisdom stemmed from a couple of different incidents molding together. I finally got myself back into a formal strength training program after being on hiatus for about 3 months (ah ah ah...doesn't mean I wasn't running around. Remember, exercise is the meaningful execution of preplanned and purposeful physical activity) when I realized I was only about 6 weeks away from my first internship and I needed to get some hypertrophy going if i was going to be of any use to my future patients (first internship is in outpatient neuro rehab - very taxing). So I wandered down to the health club, which is in a fairly affluent area and on my way in, as well as while taking inventory of what this place really had to offer, I saw a decent amount of people who were interested in their health. Lots of people, biking, running, playing basketball, lifting, etc., but knowing these white collar types, a thought instaneously flashed through my head - what does he have need to be that big for? - as I passed by one gentleman. Very prejudicial, I know, but I can't help it - first impressions were always snap and uncontrollable with me.

After my 30 min jog on the treadmill, I stretched out and made my way to the weight room to again assess what equipment the administration thought was necessary. Outside the weight room and above the water fountain hung pictures and credentialing of all the personal trainers (serendipitously convenient, no? These guys are good). I was happy that everyone had at least a Bachelors degree in something related (although my ears pricked after reading one girl was touted as having experience with physical therapy as a result of an internship she had, but there wasn't anything after her name to suggest she was actually a P.T.), but under one gentleman's mini CV he only had written "Fitness is a Lifestyle!" This is true, however....

(smirk) There's seems to be a lot of howevers with me, I've noticed. Some days I wish my life existed in a little more black and white instead of color. I digress. These two anecdotes overlayed something a dear friend said to me once as I was relishing in the new found power I wielded when I was selected to assist with Physical Therapy Program interviews one year: "So, what do you hope to accomplish with that question? What answer are you looking for?" Random, I know, but I do have I point.

As I worked my lower half on the leg press, I got to thinking. In this day and age of cultural norms, trends, fads, and ulterior motives, I tend to appreciate more those who have a functional, logical, and reasonable purpose for what their doing. For me, I have a functional purpose for my training - I need to be able to support, block, push, pull my patients, to perform my daily and non-daily tasks at home, as well as prevent injury when I play. And maybe the white collar folks have their reasons for living at the gym, as some truly do, but to them I ask a potentially pointed question: "To what end?" What purpose does exercising so much serve for you, and please don't tell me it's heavily based on self-image and trying to attract members of the opposite sex. While everybody's got their something, that's probably one of the worse, least self-satisfying reasons to do anything. ANYTHING. If nothing else, that kind of thinking breeds narcissism that's insanely hard to get rid of as one ages.

My solution - find a logical, meaningful purpose. If you want to protect your joints and back against age-related changes, perfect. If you want to do a triathalon, wonderful. If you want to improve your recreational rugby game, amen. If you want to be able to take care of yourself when you reach 90 y.o., fantastic. If you're diabetic or have high blood pressure and want to reduce your dependence on injected insulin or your risk of heart problems down the road, I'm sure medicare will eventually thank you, but I know your family and bank book will do so more readily. Whatever it is, please, have some depth to your resolution. In the end, the main idea is that you're active in a challenging way that makes your exercising efforts worth all the blood, sweat, tears and time.

As Jimmy Lunceford once suggested, "It ain't what you do, it's the way that you do it." Just something to think about it.

Friends At First Are Friends At Last

It is truly amazing how sincere prayers/desires of the heart are answered expeditiously. I'll ease you into a story and then, if I remember, I'll tie it back in to my opening statement. I took part of an interesting discuss, today, on a topic I've had a particularly hard time with over the past two years - that of forgiveness. While I have been blessed with a relatively forgiving nature, the harsher assults tend to harbor, as I attempt to figure out the great "WHY!?": Why did this person do this? How can they think this way? etc, etc, etc. These harsher assults tend to be ones that carry more of an emotional trigger with them, one procured by what I consider a sort of emotional "broadsiding". One in particular offense I have been holding on to for 2+ years because I just could not come to terms with the fact that a professional could believe has he expressed himself, especially after I had confided in him with an open heart.

But to what end?

During the discussion I mentioned above, we looked at several examples extracted from sections of history of revered men who had rendered forgiveness to those who had sorely crossed them, at times, resulting in wrongful imprisonment and all the great and wonderful things that accompany. Barring the standard discussion of how pride is at the root of witholding forgiveness, what impressed me most in each of the examples given was how quickly forgiveness was given. It almost seemed instantly! But unless you're an anomaly, we all know how hard it is to go from anger to love instantaneously. It's near impossible for mortal man. So how can this end-picture of resolution occur?

I think the wronged had forgiven the offender long before each of the moments of truth, where the offender expressed sincere remorse to the wronged.

Granted, that's assuming the offenders even approached those they had wronged at all! While I don't have the hard numbers proving it, I am fairly confident that for as many times as there are expressions of repentance there are just as many that never hear, or ever thought they would hear, those words, "I'm sorry" in whatever shape, form, or fashion. That's all well and good. As I heard one young lady proffer during our discussion, to forgive is often more for you than it is for the someone else. I found this especially true when you think about all of the baggage that comes with harboring resentment and anger toward someone. Too much wasted energy, especially if you're just going to sit around waiting for something you think you deserve (an apology) that may take years to come, if it comes at all. Talk about being all dressed up with no where to go...

While sincere apologies are nice, they may indeed never come. Such is the situation I found myself in 2 years ago interviewing for Physical Therapy programs. I won't go into the details, but some things were said that "emotionally broadsided" me and I honestly didn't know what to say. I wrote letters to the program and the appropriate personnel with the university, however, to my knowledge, nothing came of it in the end. I was both enraged and hurt, because I was naive enough to think that with upper personnel under such scrutiny that anything like that would happen to anyone anymore, let alone me, especially in a profession known for it's good hearted people.

While I attended a different program that I came to find was the more appropriate choice for me, I gradually remembered the incident less and less, but I had never truly felt at peace with the situation. That is, until today when I had a prayer answered and I finally felt at peace for the first time in 2 years. Some would attribute it to time and how it heals all wounds, but you don't know me very well if that's your first and only conclusion. I have a very long memory.

Since April, I've been graduallly preparing myself to enter the temple to make my higher covenant with Heavenly Father, and a couple weeks ago I completed the temple preparation courses. Part of the prerequisites to enter being personal worthiness, which balances on keeping God's commandments and earnestly striving to live a Christ-like life, I knew I had to genuinely come to terms with that incident before I could even allow myself to approach my bishop for a temple recommend. There's a good brother at church who I have a hard time with on occasion who earned his graduate degree from that same university, so it just made it even more of a challenge, lol. I digress. A few days prior to the discussion I had today, I had had enough and in one aloud private conversation with my Heavenly Father, I expressed my frustration with how it's been 2 years, and why do I still have such an anger toward this problem? I didn't want to have these feelings! That was the thing - the deep-down part of me wanted to get past it all (it sees the greater perspective in all things, I swear it does), but the more superficial part of me still occasionally clung.

Today, in many respects in thanks to the lesson I received on forgiveness, I finally got myself under control. It doesn't matter if I ever get an apology or not - quite frankly, I don't expect one. What's done is done, and I harbor no ill-will.

Requesting assistance

My local chapter of the American Physical Therapy Association is holding a silent auction in a few months to raise money for their scholarship fund and have sent out the letter requesting donations. I sent a cursory email, describing my hobby and asking if they'd be interested in a piece. They responded in the affirmative, and now I'm left with the task of deciding which piece(s) to have matted and framed. My mother was absolutely no help, I'm self-conscious and biased, so I'm turning to you, my critics for assistance.

I'm currently toying with three that seem to stick out in my mind, but I need your help weighting in on if what I'm thinking are globally plausible choices or if I should consider something else. I appreciate all comments you have to proffer (and I do mean all). Presently, I have:







...and...



If you'd like to see what the other options are, visit http://sportygirl4114.deviantart.com/gallery/

By the way, if any of you are interested in donating a piece to help future healers of the world, you're more than welcome. Just comment with an appropriate email address and I will send you the email address of the lady organizing the collections.

Cheers!

Ownership

I was recently reading a summary of a biography of Dr. Albert Schweitzer. If you don't know who that is, that's just fine - you're probably my age with parents that aren't as old as mine nor are they in the medical field ( my mother told me about him ). Schweitzer was an individual of deep-rooted spirituality, whose life was dedicated to service - most notably his hospital in West Africa, where he eventually died. He was fueled by the sense "...that we must not regard our lives as belonging to ourselves alone."

...interesting thought... why not?

The Shaft

Why do we place so much pressure on young men in today's culture to date when they may very well not want to? I've thought about this recently since spring has descended upon us - everyone comes out of hibernation and LO! the opposite sex never looked so good and summer relationships are beginning to take hold. With this recent resurgence of courting, especially when held against the contemporary dating trends (or rather the falling off of them), we, as bright young women, generally tend to renew our efforts in nudging the young men of our acquaintances to get off their duffs and formally socialize with young ladies.

This is a bit cynical, but what if boys don't ask girls out simply because they don't want to? Are we really to begrudge them for not doing something that we'd normally not do as well? We tend to not go out with those who we do not already have some inkling of interest in (be it plutonic or something else favorable), or are otherwise leery of - why not allow that of the men? What if they're just not that into you? Is there some unwritten code or law of social propriety that dictates that men must date you or give you a chance? I have yet to find such a document, but as a friend suggested to me once, this lack of regulation of modern dating tactical foreplay has made dating harder and more scarce than easier.

Odd to think that things were easier when there were more rules.... but if you examine it further, if nothing is expected of you, if there's no pressure, what else other than self-motivation will push you to complete the task? In considering us in our procrastinatory comfort zones, I propose self-motivation is the only thing at this point that will save today's dating culture. Since this is the way the wind seems to be blowing, it's easier to sail with it than try to reintroduce antiquated societal courting customs that will not work with this generation.

So, is that it? Psh, H*** no! Combat by making yourself more desireable and marketable - in good and Godly ways only. I am in no way suggesting that you throw in the towel and completely start catering to the whims of the opposite sex - they're hormonally driven and as we all know, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You can't please everyone, but you can please yourself and then go out to find that puzzle piece that completes your picture.

Just... don't get offended when the boys don't ask you out....

The 21st Century Seabiscuit

From my muses of prose at the NY Times, I felt this was one description of the events that actually gave some credit where credit was due (and personality to boot).

(The article may be found at this web address: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/03/sports/othersports/03derby.html)

Rob Carr/Associated Press

Jockey Calvin Borel celebrates Mine That Bird's win at the 135th Kentucky Derby at Churchill Downs on Saturday.

Mine That Bird Uses Shortest Route to Win Derby

By JOE DRAPE

Published: May 2, 2009

LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Sometimes this game brings you to tears. Sometimes it feels right to be wrong. And always it is better than O.K. when the tears streaming down your face are caused by a man in a black cowboy hat and an almost handlebar mustache, a Cajun jockey with more horse than book sense and a scrawny $9,500 gelding.

Chip Woolley, Calvin Borel and Mine That Bird, an improbable — no, impossible — 50-1 long shot, did just that Saturday, running away with the 135th running of America’s greatest race, the Kentucky Derby.

Horse racing has had some bad big days recently.

Last year, the filly Eight Belles was euthanized on the racetrack after finishing second here. When the 2006 Derby winner Barbaro broke down in the Preakness, he brought greater public attention to the sport’s safety and welfare issues. Early Saturday it appeared to be more of the same: I Want Revenge, the morning-line favorite, came up lame in his left front ankle and was scratched.

By 6:30 p.m., when Mine That Bird squirted through a hole in the rail and skipped from the muddy track into the lane all alone, the 153,563 at Churchill Downs checked their programs to see who the heck the No. 8 horse was.

By that time, Borel and this horse he hardly knew were on their way to the winner’s circle for the blanket of roses. In 2007, after Borel guided Street Sense to a Derby victory with a similar rail-skimming, last-to-first trip, the nation was introduced to this humble, emotional man with a grade-school education and a Ph.D-sized heart. Borel, in turn, was introduced to Queen Elizabeth II at a White House state dinner.

As soon as Mine That Bird crossed the finish line six and a quarter lengths ahead of 18 others, Borel’s tears flowed with the warmth and power of Niagara Falls. He patted, hugged, hollered and dripped tears on the gelding he met for the first time Monday. Finally, Borel kissed a rose and lofted it toward the heavens in honor of his late mother and father.

“I wish my mother and father were here to see what I have accomplished in my life,” he said an hour later, dissolving in tears once again.

While it took Mine That Bird just 2 minutes 2.66 seconds to cover the Derby’s mile-and-a-quarter distance, it took his trainer, Woolley, a lifetime and a couple of days to occupy horse racing’s most hallowed real estate below Churchill Downs’s twin spires.

The 45-year-old Woolley, a former bareback rodeo rider, loaded Mine That Bird in a van and hauled him behind his truck from his base in New Mexico, stopping at Lone Star Park in Grand Prairie, Tex., so his horse could gallop a couple of miles.

Those were hard miles, especially because Woolley is on crutches after breaking his leg in a recent motorcycle accident. In fact, last week Woolley and Mine That Bird’s owners, Mark Allen and Dr. Leonard Blach, were pointing Mine That Bird to the Lone Star Derby next weekend. Instead, they decided to dream big.

“I had no real feeling about how we’d do, but we came here to be competitive,” Woolley said.

On Friday, Woolley confessed that he was just happy to be here alongside Hall of Famers like D. Wayne Lukas, Bob Baffert and Nick Zito. He was amazed that horse enthusiasts stopped him in restaurants and knew that Mine That Bird was, indeed, the 2-year-old champion last year in Canada. Allen and Blach paid more than the $9,500 Mine That Bird fetched in the auction ring — $400,000, to be exact, after he won four races in a row.

Why buy a gelding? Mine That Bird does not have the cushy life of a stud awaiting him. Allen and Blach are not going to make millions in the breeding shed.

“We wanted a racehorse, not a stallion,” Allen said.

Couldn’t you at least get a deal?

“There was no haggling,” Allen said with a no-nonsense western twang. “They wanted $400,000. We paid it.”

It looked like a bargain when Borel started sanding the rail heading into the far turn, picking off one, two, three and, finally, 15 horses. The final hurdle came with an eighth of a mile left when Mine That Bird bulled through a sliver of a hole inside Join in the Dance.

“I wasn’t worried,” Borel said. “He’s a small horse and I knew I could squeeze him through.”

Baffert’s Santa Anita Derby winner, Pioneerof the Nile, was closing in the middle of the track, but it was much too late. He finished second.

“Those cowboys came with a good horse,” Baffert said.

The Illinois Derby victor Musket Man and the Arkansas Derby champion Papa Clem clunked up for third and fourth position. But all three are destined to be footnotes in one of the tallest tales about the Derby. Beyond the match race with War Admiral, no one remembers the many horses Seabiscuit turned back.

No, Mine That Bird earned a first-place check worth more than $1.4 million for his cowboy connections and returned the second-largest win payout in Derby history for his few and true believers — $103.20 for a $2 bet. Mine That Bird, a son of Birdstone out of the mare Mining My Own, has captured five of his nine career races.

Best of all, the little-gelding-that-could allowed Woolley to blink tears back from behind his sunglasses, tip his black hat and linger over how his improbable road to the Derby had ended. Before 6:24 p.m. Saturday, he was told, no one outside the tumbleweeds of New Mexico knew who Chip Woolley was.

He gulped, then swallowed.

“They’ll know me now,” he said, as prickly as a cactus.

Yes, they will.

John Gress/Reuters

Jockey Calvin Borel celebrating aboard Mine That Bird as they win the Kentucky Derby at Churchill Downs on Saturday.

Here's to the victor, quere es poder. Salud.

Lessons Learned From Disappointment

Disappointment is sort of a unique feeling, or at least I've found it to be such. It has as many "dialects", if you will, that love has (i.e. depends on what elicited it), but at the core is the same overall feeling of .... not regret, but of....failure. It doesn't matter what failed, anything from another person to cookies will still produce that all to familiar result, but with different flavors that leave a slightly different taste in ones mouth, possibly directly correlated to how much of an emotional investment was placed into the subject. Sometimes that taste is bitter, sometimes it's dashed or denial, other times it's moderately expected, and at times it's especially the taste of humbling.

It's that humbling aftershock I believe to be some of the most potent, especially when you don't see it coming (oh heavens, yes, lol). Much like how the tongue feels as a result after eating too much pineapple or one too many habañero peppers, it leaves one feeling vulnerable for a time before the post-traumatic analyses begin to figure out what went wrong and if there's any chance of saving face. Its that post-traumatic analyses I believe to be the pivotal piece to the piece of resolving disappointments aftermath. Without it, one sets themself up for wallowing in self-pity, which we all know is destructive in its own right.

From the most recent disappointment analysis I've conducted on myself, I've come to realize a few things:

1. Sometimes, you just need to fess up that you'd been had. It's hard to admit that either you assumed something that wasn't correct or evident, so stick to the facts (because we all know what happense when you assume).

2. It's okay to hope and have faith in something, but be realistic about it. Although...somethings require a leap of faith and hope...

3. Don't be afraid to call a spade a spade - just make sure you have the evidence to back up your assertion.

4. Move on. I know women especially are devils on harboring ill-will (we want our justice SERVED), but you know what, the sun also rises and that means another day and another clear slate. If one opportunity blows up, it probably wasn't for you anyway, learn why it happened and look forward to the next adventure. Nothing kills me more than we people refuse to try again.

So next time you find your self confronting your garden variety disappointment, don't worry - it's not the end of the world. I promise. Just means you'll have to be smarter for next time.

What It Means to Heal

I’d like to start with an anecdote, if I may. When my oldest brother, with whom I’ve very close, was in medical school, he’d often complain about the types of people he’d see during his rotations (the biggest patient population that my mother and I would tease him about was pediatrics, because he felt like he couldn’t talk to them intelligently). My mother and I subsequently took it upon ourselves to educate him during his early medical training on what it mean to truly be a doctor. We accomplished this in the traditional Watkins way, using irrefutable logic mixed into friendly banter and gentle reminders when appropriate, to get our points across that being a doctor extends beyond the science. Mind you, my brother isn’t an unfeeling individual at all, he has a very big heart, but it needed some higher education, if you will. Fast-forward a few years. During his residency, he related two experiences to me that signaled to me that he had softened a bit and had, in my opinion, grown as a physician.

The first experience, he called me specifically at the end of one day to tell me that I’d be proud of him. Naturally, I was curious. He proceeded to explain to me that he had just gotten off a night shift in the care units where he had gone in and checked in on everyone of his patients personally, turning off their televisions as he left so they could sleep. To one patient in particularly, he read aloud a small stack of cards they had received in the mail before turning out the lights. The second experience, he emailed me last year after working a shift at the children’s hospital with a little story of a little girl who had to get an MRI:

A little present for you - I was working in the MRI scanner today and took care of a little 9 y/o girl who came in for a repeat MRI brain for evaluation of her seizure disorder. What made me think of you today was the little girl came in clutching a stuffed saber-toothed tiger in her arms (ie. Tiggy). She looked very cute with it and I promised her her tiger would be with her throughout the scan even though she'd be under general anesthesia. Since the tiger itself contained no metal, this wasn't a problem. The scene was so memorable that I had to [tell] you…the little girl under general inside, and the readily identifiable tail of her stuffed saber-toothed tiger lying on top while she went through the study. Don't let it ever be said that I don't have a soft spot. =)

(FYI, “Tiggy” was my own stuffed tiger that I use to haul around with me everywhere when I was little). I told my brother the same thing after each of these experiences, “Now you know what it means to be a doctor.”

I apologize for taking a page there-bouts to tell you about my brother, but his metamorphosis is the thing that always comes to my mind when I think about true healing because, to me, it demonstrates that healing goes beyond the science. Much like many things in this life, it is the marriage of art and science. It is impossible for healing to be a truly perfect science because people are inherently an imperfect science – we aren’t clear-cut equations, but living probabilities. As a healthcare professional in two related realms, this is extremely important to me and my practice, and no matter how hard I try to dissociate myself from it a bit, I can’t help but somewhat “adopt” my patients/athletes/clients. I put so much my time and myself into them, how can I not without being a complete sociopath? Healing is a holistic practice, in whatever proportions deemed appropriate. At least in my mind its suppose to be.... (lol insurance companies may say otherwise)

Funny thing is, also,.... I don't hold that medicine has the market on healing, either.... but that's another story for another time.

The view through the lens

Interview questions from the JPG Magazine site - It was kind of fun, so I thought I'd post my responses (because I know all of you were just DYING to find out why I do what I do)

When and how do you start to create?

My road to creation begins meandering out into what's already been created. My philosophy regarding my artwork is to show people the fun, interesting and amazing things that I see!

Do you create as a professionnal or for your own?

I create for myself, but I have been hired out on the rare occasion, usually as a favor to a close friend.

How do you learn and work your skill?

Slowly and with time - I've never had the opportunity to take a formal course in photography, which is unfortunate for me because I don't have that base of formal training knowledge from whence to build upon. I've just kind of experimented with technical settings and hope things come out, primarily, and I sit at the feet of my friends who know more than I do to get advice and tips.

What do you like in this art?

It really caters to the senses

What are your favourite subject(s)?

Things that don't move, lol

What are you trying to share via your art?

Art has a special place in many cultures. Things can be communicated through art that are, otherwise, very difficult to convey and/or culture in another human being. Everyone reacts to art differently, but I look to create pieces that positively inspire others in their own way.

Who are artists that fascinate or give you inpsiration? (links)

Rene Magritte, Rodney Smith, Georgia O'Keefe, and Maynard Dixon give me inspiration, and there are too many others that I enjoy.

What do you mean you don't know how to do that?

I recently have had a chain of experiences that have prompted me to wonder about the practicality of self-reliance and responsibility. This sounds rash, but I'm partially serious. Or maybe a better thought would be, what are we doing to teach our children and ourselves self-reliance and responsibility for our actions and the resulting effects our actions have?

For instance, on multiple occasions I've gone out with men who needed detailed step-by-step directions to places where I'm meeting them. Getting to houses has a reprieve, residential areas are just made to confuse people. Public places, however.... Whatever happened to being able to give adequate information, such as a mutual point of reference and then other tidbits that people unfamiliar with the area wouldn't otherwise know (tips for traffic, street names/traffic lights to look for), and being able to let them loose with an address and a phone number of the place to let them find it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against holding the hand of a lost and wandering soul if I don't know them well enough to have greater expectations, but by the time you get to be at least a sophomore in college, you shouldn't require hand holding. Be BOLD! Be BRAVE! Explore!

And this is just the tip of the iceberg on the topic. Maybe I'm just insensitive, or perhaps I'm getting to that age where things that didn't use to bother me now do so..... hm.

Something to Chew On

I had an experience earlier this semester in my Psychosocial Aspects of Rehab class (essentially it's Ethics) where I became reactionary and immediately realized after my brief outburst (and mind you when I say outburst, I doubt anyone even heard me anyway) that I had, also briefly, a lapse in judgment and made me question whether I'm diligently culturing the supposedly level headed person I've always believed myself to be. If you know me by any measure, level headed is any moment where I lack an emotional investment or I voluntarily forfeit said emotional investment for the greater good. It has long been my dream to become like who I see as the great level headed people that I admire - Eleanor Roosevelt, Ghandi, George Washington, Solomon, and so many more.

I wonder if it's coincidence that AC/DC's "TNT" just started playing on my playlist?

But it surprised me in a way how I reacted so half-cocked. We had been discussing the situation of the woman in California who had just given birth to the octuplets and I immediately expressed my discontent for her opting to have such a supposedly large quantity in vitro procedure when she already had 6 other children under the age of 8. Now she has 14 children under the age of 8, without a job, and I think the media has crucifed her enough for what's transpired in her life since the story first broke, so I won't continue to rant - however....

It got me thinking.... Is there such a thing as universal ethical behavior? Is it truly all relative? Should the principles I hold dear be imposed on to her, even if it would be for the greater good? Or should we just stand aside and watch, even if we can forsee (or at least think we can forsee) what's going to happen with this family, or, breaking from that example, other situations that we see our friends and loved ones enter into? How far should we allow that "learning experince" progress before we intervene? Should we even intervene?

What are your thoughts?

FYI

In response to my last blog post, there apparently has been an outpouring of condolences and "don't worry" sentiments and I thank you for them. However, I feel I need to make a clarification - I wasn't sad when I wrote it, nor was I seeking pity. lol I wasn't down, depressed, yearning, or hopeless. It was more of a declaration of fact and I'm actually okay with the probability that I will be "single" for a good number of years to come. I'm a hard and particular personality, but the parts that are hard and particular aren't bad, and I'm fairly pleased with them. Women like me just aren't for the feint of heart. I believe men should be amiable, but I think they should be able to withstand someone giving them a piece of their mind and be able to weather that experience. *shrugs* =) (this is the red part of my personality coming out)

So yeah...I wasn't bemoaning in that last post. Much lub!

Revelation

I recently realized a reason to why I have such conflicting feelings toward the idea of marriage and me. I've been emailing a friend and we got on the topic of Texas and my brother's aversion to it, but my feeling at home with it. It opened some floodgates of blabbering thoughts and emotions that I've been keeping repressed and it's like I had a mini-almost-quarter-life crisis. I had a talk with my bishop during my renewal of my limited use temple recommend about whether or not I had given any thought to taking out my endowments. I was honest in my feelings that I didn't feel prepared just yet to take on that responsibility secondary to my being a perfectionist, and we got onto the topic of marriage and I assured him that that reason for taking out my endowments would be a long time coming. He looked at me incredulously and asked me essentially if I was sure about that.

You see, almost 2 years ago when I was trying to make my mind up on where to go to PT school (oh the luxury of having options), I kind of knew deep down that NAU was where I was suppose to be and I already had a spot at Wash U in St. Louis and George Washington. Flagstaff...or D.C..... Young, single, vibrant, intelligent female.... I know, D.C. made more sense to me too looking at it from that aspect. But I knew I had to give it up with the confirmation that I knew I wasn't going to find anything in Flagstaff. I didn't know anything about the culture there and whatever the Lord wants to happen will happen. But that same feeling that told me I was going to Arizona also told me I wasn't getting married during my time in Flagstaff.

So who cares? (and this is a long round about way to get to my central point, but barewith) Well...with any relation that might come out of Flag scratched off, (which has been true so far), you have to put things into perspective.

1. Flagstaff has a small young single adult community, most of which is made up of undergraduates.
Not that I don't love 22 yr olds, and not that I won't date men younger than me, it's more of a maturity level thing.

2. Flagstaff is 2 hrs away from Phoenix.
The exact perfect distance away from a metropolitan area to discourage any potential suitor from a larger mating pool from entertaining the idea of a new relationship.
(I love being cras)

3. I'll be out on a year of rotations to who knows where.
I don't culture new relationships long distance. Tried it before and it just doesn't work.

4. By the time I graduate, I'll be 26 years old with a doctorate, and signing my life away to my patients and athletes for a time. In addition, I'll have not gone anywhere except for Canada, Mexico, and London.
It is commonly known in the LDS sub-culture that it becomes harder for LDS women, removed from an opportune placement amongst eligible bachelors, to find a good match. Not to mention, as soon as marriage occurs, unless you marry well, responsibilities take precedence to former freedoms.

The end of #4 dawned on me as I was talking with the aforementioned friend (the following are email excerts from that conversaton):

"I don't know what it is, but I've felt more at home in East Texas, where my father's family's from, and East Teneessee, where my mother's family's from than I do in AZ. Like you wondered about previously, you don't know what about AZ that makes me need to escape it (at least for short whiles). I guess subconsciously it's my resistance to what I feel like is eminent, following in my siblings footsteps and moving back to Phoenix to set up shop. I feel so restless when I stay longer than about 3 weeks at home because I found my wings being away from my parents and they get clipped a little every time I go back (my father recently tried to convince me that I still had a 10pm curfew, which hasn't been in effect since I was 17). I like my freedom and I haven't quite quenched my thirst for life just yet to bind myself to a 8-5 patient schedule just yet. Arizona, in a way, has just become this symbol of pro quo, sadly. Good memories, though."

"I know what you mean about slipping back into some old habits when you go home. It's kind of like moving at two different speeds. I hope I find freedom when i start working as well. That's one of my biggest fears, which is blown out of proportion, I know it, and it's not like good, ethical therapists don't make up the majority, either...they do. I just have the nasty habit of finding my way into covert sticky situations. eeesh.

"Ahh, the D40, a fine versatile piece. While I'm sorry that your adventure to China never came to be (one of these days I want to make it into the interior), at least you got to go to Japan. When were you there? Please tell me it was during the cherry blossom season. I'm glad you're exploring and finding out what styles you prefer - half the fun really is the exploration, and I know it shows in the product. My style.... heavens, what is my style. I seem to have a love affair with macro photography, still life, and the occasional concept photograph. I was trying to decide what type of photographer I'm developing into, and in truth I really don't know what I am, other than a learning amateur. I love dramatic black and white, but if there's color and motion to be found, I want that as well. I've held the philosophy that God, being the master artisan that He is, has given this great world many beauties for us to enjoy - I just freeze the moment in an all encompassing image to share with others so they can hopefully feel and see what I felt and saw. (If you make it to Europe before me, you simply MUST get the Alps in the Winter and Spring, and Budapest (both parts) in the afternoon)."

While writing those responses, I noticed that I have too much pent up energy and desire to see the world before I get....tied....down.... I know that sounds bad to look at marriage as that, but I really don't see myself finding someone who shares my desire for travel and also shares the means to do so anytime soon. The logistics just aren't there...yet. There is so much I want to do before I'll be fighting insurance companies or athletes who won't listen while raising kids and being the mate my future man married. I want to run, I want to play, I want to finally live and give my little hyposensitive soul the stimulation that it needs to behave normally...

Not that life doesn't keep going after marriage, that I know is NOT true, but life changes. Yes, for the better we hope, and I am almost deathly afraid that I won't get to see the world while I had the chance during my single years. As an amateur photographer, there are so many, many, many of God's creations that I've wanted to shoot, in certain seasons and times of day, I psych myself out just thinking about them. I would love it if I had a companion to share that with, but finding someone who shares my same passion hoping I'll coincidentally come across that magic needle in this hellish haystack....

Its unrealistic to seek perfection in a spouse, but this is one of a number of things that I'd like to share with him. Not necessarily the photography hobby, but the heart and will for adventure and experience. Otherwise, I'm not sure I'll be able to settle and be content with myself if I don't have my adventure and last hurrah before committing myself to the next stage of my life. And even at that, it sounds like I look at husbands as a boring lot who have narrow ambitions and little imagination, which isn't true - not at all. I just see so many of my married friends settle into their what I see as mundane lives, and I assume they're happy with it.

I have a different agenda, however. Anyone care to join me?

Handwriting analysis....

I couldn't help myself. My friend Heather completed one and I was a little too curious and caved...



"

This personality profile is based on the writing of K W created at the website: Handwriting Wizard.com - Handwriting University's Official automated personality report creator based on standardized basic personality traits as taught through Handwriting University's Certification Level Program.

K is moderately outgoing. Her emotions are stirred by sympathy and heart rendering stories. In fact, she can be kind, friendly, affectionate and considerate of others. She has the ability to put herself into the other person's shoes.

K will be somewhat moody, with highs and lows. Sometimes she will be happy, the next day she might be sad. She has the unique ability to get along equally well with what psychology calls introverts and extroverts. This is because she is in between. Psychology calls K an ambivert. She understands the needs of both types. Although they get along, she will not tolerate anyone that is too "far out." She doesn't sway too far one way or the other.

When convincing her to buy a product or an idea, a heart rendering story could mean a great deal to her. She puts herself in the same situation as the person in the story, yet she will not buy anything that seems overly impractical or illogical. K is an expressive person. She outwardly shows her emotions. She may even show traces of tears when hearing a sad story.

K is a "middle-of-the-roader," politically as well as logically. She weighs both sides of an issue, sits on the fence, and then will decide when she finally has to. She basically doesn't relate to any far out ideas and usually won't go to the extreme on any issue.

People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, K doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.

K will be candid and direct when expressing her opinion. She will tell them what she thinks if they ask for it, whether they like it or not. So, if they don't really want her opinion, don't ask for it!

K has a desire for attention. People around K will notice this need. She may fulfill this need by a variety of ways depending on her own character.

K can be defiant. She sometimes has the attitude that if someone doesn't like it the way she is doing it, then they can just "go to hell!" This trait may reveal itself in a rebellious nature that is always ready to resist forces which she thinks are infringing upon her freedom of action.

In reference to K's mental abilities, she has a very investigating and creating mind. She investigates projects rapidly because she is curious about many things. She gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but she soon must slow down and look at all the angles. She probably gets too many things going at once. When K slows down, then she becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, she must slow down to do it. She then decides what projects she has time to finish. Thus she finishes at a slower pace than when she started the project.

She has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. Her mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. She can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. K can then switch into her low gear. When she is in the slower mode, she can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. She is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.

K is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. She needs to visualize the end of a project before she starts. she finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said she plans everything she is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned. K basically feels good about herself. She has a positive self-esteem which contributes to her success. She feels she has the ability to achieve anything she sets her mind to. However, she sets her goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach". She has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, she will not take great risks, as they relate to her goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, her self-perception is better than average.

Something is incomplete in K's life. She feels frustration relating to her physical needs and desires. Somewhere in her life there is some disappointment, non-fulfillment, and interruption. This is very likely to relate to K's sexual needs.

K is constantly disappointed when trying to reach success. She works very hard, perhaps harder than most, then just before succeeding, something happens that keeps her from success. Often, K changes to a second project just before the first one is finished, thus failing to complete the first project. Sometimes she changes because she feels she needs a different challenge. K feels dejected. This feeling relates to her failures. This trait is very important in a working situation and in a relationship. She must be handled in a very special way to get the most work from her or to make a relationship last. Concerning this trait, personality modification is available to change her life.

K has a healthy imagination and displays a fair amount of trust. She lets new people into her circle of friends. She uses her imagination to understand new ideas, things, and people.

K exaggerates about everything that has a physical nature. Although she may not intend to deceive or mislead, she blows things way out of proportion because that is the way she views them. She will be a good story teller. This exaggeration relates to all areas of her material world. K allows many people into her life because she is accepting and trusting. She is sometimes called gullible by her friends. That only really means that she trusts too many people. K has a vivid imagination.

K has a very unusual lower zone y loop. If the data input is correct, K's y or g is large and opens up to the left side of the page. This is not a common trait, but the implications are very interesting. As you begin to study handwriting analysis, you will learn any loop indicates imagination. This lower loop indicates the amount of imagination K has regarding sex and physical things. So, her lower zone stroke is large, so her sexual imagination is large and open. Furthermore, because the loop is incomplete and extends to the left, this indicates a particular fascination with certain aspects of sexuality that have not been fulfilled, yet. In a nutshell, K is open to some very new ideas sexually and is willing to try anything once.

K has a very unusual lower zone y loop. If the data input is correct, K's y or g is large and has triangle shape to the lower loop. This is not a common trait, but the implications are very interesting. As you begin to study handwriting analysis, you will learn any loop indicates imagination. This lower loop indicates the amount of imagination K has regarding sex and physical things. Her lower zone stroke is large, so her sexual imagination is large and open. Furthermore, because the loop has a triangle shape, this indicates a particular curiosity with certain aspects of sexuality. In a nutshell, K is open to some very new ideas sexually and is willing to try anything once. I'd say K is quite a dynamic and playful lover. Watch out world!

For a graphologist, the spacing on the page reflects the writer's attitude toward their own world and relationship to things in his or her own space. If the inputted data was correct K has left some white space on the left side of the paper. K fills up the rest of the page in a normal fashion moving the entire writing rightward as she moves down the page. If this is true, then K has a healthy relationship to the past and is ready to move on. The right side of the page represents the future and K is ready and willing to get started living now and planning for the future. K is leaving the past behind and moving on to what she perceives as an exciting and enticing future."

Expatriation

I was reminded today that I lived a very sheltered life. I'm not going to go into the details of what triggered this reminder, but I realized that I had allowed myself to succumb to a very dangerous mindset - egocentrism. This is something I've spent a great portion of my life fighting against in other people because it was this nasty little bug that caused me great pain many years ago and from that I've been able to see how it causes pain in others. It is destructive and in the grand scheme of things, very little good comes of it.

For anyone who has caught the brunt of the version of me that's not myself that's been fermenting for the last 4 months or so, I'm sorry - so very, very sorry. In light of this, my mind often turns to my greatest Teacher. This particular gentleman (meant in the truest sense) is known to a number of other students as a master teacher. I've sat through many of his lectures but until I wasn't until college that I started to take stock in what he'd been trying to teach me all of those previous years. It was then, and only then, did the world open up further to my eyes. The times when I failed to remember my lessons were when a whole other Me was created - one that had fallen into a subconscious inawareness, where I wasn't what I really wanted to be. But, like the master teacher he was, he'd check in on me from time to time to see how I was doing and I'd awaken from the other conscious, and realize, again, almost with the same initial zeal as I had many years ago, that someone who is so afraid, unkind, unaware, stagnant and just wholly self-centered, wasn't for me.

So I walk away...